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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sons girlfriends comments

262 replies

OnPurpleHill · 26/12/2022 14:02

My children have came back from the cities they live for Christmas/New Year as they always do. However my sons girlfriend who lives with us, as they’re saving up for a house, keeps making comments about how busy the house is and how she can’t wait till after new year till things are quiet again.

In her defence she’s saying these comments in a joking sort of way, however I’m absolutely furious. Firstly, I don’t get to see my children that often and I cherish Christmas so much more since they’ve moved out and come back for the holidays I don’t like the idea that they’re an inconvenience.

Secondly, it’s not even her house, if anyone doesn’t have a claim to this house it’s her. AIBU?

OP posts:
tillytown · 26/12/2022 14:43

She's overwhelmed because there are more people than usual in her home, she's allowed to say that, if you dislike her so much that you have a problem with her expressing that then you should ask her and your son to move out

2bazookas · 26/12/2022 14:44

You could have replied " This is our childrens home and we 're always delighted to have them come to stay. Especially when its only for a few days.
Are your parents having a very busy Christmas this year? "

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2022 14:45

Motorcycleemptyness · 26/12/2022 14:41

Be as furious as you want OP but good luck seeing your grandkids when they come along if you alienate her.

Good luck to her getting on the housing ladder without OP’s generosity letting them live at hers for free.

monsteronahill · 26/12/2022 14:46

Christmas (and a busy one!) can be overwhelming for people. You've got your family and extended family back together at Christmas so it's great for you, she's simply in a much busier house with people who aren't her family (blood family) which can be exhausting. I find you can't be as honest as you would with your own family, and making nice all the time can be tiring.

You sound very OTT though "if anyone doesn't have a claim to this house it's her" and being "furious".

dancinfeet · 26/12/2022 14:46

she sounds rude, and should decamp to a hotel at her expense for a few days if it’s bothering her that much, you have every right to have your family come and visit whenever you want

Climbles · 26/12/2022 14:46

She may be making the others feel unwelcome. My dads wife does this. She complains ‘jokingly’ and repeatedly about having guests being too much for her. We don’t go anymore.

Oblomov22 · 26/12/2022 14:48

Tell her. Suggest she goes home for a couple of days.

honeyrider · 26/12/2022 14:48

If it was just a once off comment I'd let it go but anymore than that I'd be having a word with her. She's got some cheek to keep coming out with it even if it's in a jokey manner. If she wants peace and quiet she knows where the door is and go for a walk or visit her own family.

If I was going home for Christmas and a sibling's girlfriend kept coming out with those comments I would not be happy and would let my sibling know too.

Motorcycleemptyness · 26/12/2022 14:51

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2022 14:45

Good luck to her getting on the housing ladder without OP’s generosity letting them live at hers for free.

Show quote history

Lol if the OP comes across irl as she does here ‘furious’ and ‘if anyone doesn’t have a claim on this house it’s her’ then it might be free in £ but sounds like they’ll be paying for it! 🙄

There‘s more than enough nightmare MiL threads on here!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/12/2022 14:52

If you're 'absolutely furious', perhaps you should talk to your son about them moving out.

AllTheAll · 26/12/2022 14:53

If she says it in front of the other DCs, don't you have a sassy one who will point out it's actually their house and not even her house? I was that sassy one...

safetyfreak · 26/12/2022 14:54

She's overwhelmed because there are more people than usual in her home,

Its not her home though? she staying at her boyfreind mum house.

midlifecrash · 26/12/2022 14:55

It’s territorial and she has no business trying to defend “her” space from OP’s guests, DC or not

lap90 · 26/12/2022 14:55

It's not her house, she's living with you rent-free... she should lay off the 'jokes'. You should make some 'jokes' back - how much have they saved up yet for their own home so they can have some peace and quiet?

Reindeersnooker · 26/12/2022 14:57

I completely understand why this would be infuriating. Living together is clearly a strain for everyone if she's got so tone deaf that she making comments like this. Perhaps you could pleasantly let her know that your children are always welcome and you're living the opportunity to see them. Hopefully she will realise how tactless she is being.

LonginesPrime · 26/12/2022 14:58

I absolutely get why it's hard to hear that, OP - it sounds like it's not been easy having her there and it's almost like she's wishing your own actual family would hurry up and leave so she can have their home all to herself again.

Tbh, I think if you were still finding it ok having her living with you, you wouldn't even have noticed her comment and wouldn't have taken it to heart. She probably didn't mean it the way it sounded but it hit a nerve with you for obvious reasons.

It sounds like it's time to sit down with her and DS and define the parameters about how long they're staying and what they contribute to the household while they're there, as the current arrangement is clearly creating tension.

Irridescantshimmmer · 26/12/2022 15:00

Omg shes' rude.........really rude.

Yeah shes' finding it all full on but that is no reason for her to make you feel bad, in your own home.

After all xmas is about family, so before it hits boiling point, I think you need to communicate exactly how you feel to her or your son, or both.

Before the $hit hits the fan and all hell breaks loose.

Choconut · 26/12/2022 15:01

Suggest - jokingly of course - that she can always move out if she doesn't like it.

CanStopWillStop · 26/12/2022 15:01

I remember every snide thing my MIL has ever said to me, because I had to swallow it and smile which is not my style. It made our relationship frosty for a very long time and was awkward for DH. We now have kids together, but I still remember every comment she's made about me.

I would tread carefully OP. If DS is serious about her then this woman will be in your life to the day you die. Treat her like you would your own daughter, as in the long run it's better to build a mother-daughter relationship than a rivalry. If you pull her up a potentially innocent joke, she wont forget.

Gemmanorthdevon · 26/12/2022 15:05

YABVU - Do you resent her living with you?

Only saints don't look forward to having the house back to themselves after a busy period hosting, and if she is making these comments enough to be annoyed by them, she is choosing to be around you socialising, which is really hard for some people.

Cut her some slack, it's awful living with somebody who doesn't want you there, and if you are choosing to let this infuriate you to the point you are suggesting she doesn't have " a claim on the house" then you clearly have deeper issues with her!

lottiegarbanzo · 26/12/2022 15:05

It is her home. You've allowed it to become that, while resenting her for being there, by the sound of it. Make your mind up.

'Oh but my own children are home now and will always take priority over you' is no doubt true but also really hard for someone you'd previously welcomed in, to adjust to. At the moment your house is actually her home, the place where she lives. It is not the full-time home of your other children. They are actually visitors in her home.

Sure it's primarily your home. It's historically and periodically theirs. But while she has no other home, it is hers too. You sound quite fickle and resentful about that. She will sense that.

In years to come you will be a guest in her home. Be careful what expectation you create. I imagine she may well be wishing you away too.

StreamingCervix · 26/12/2022 15:09

CanStopWillStop · 26/12/2022 15:01

I remember every snide thing my MIL has ever said to me, because I had to swallow it and smile which is not my style. It made our relationship frosty for a very long time and was awkward for DH. We now have kids together, but I still remember every comment she's made about me.

I would tread carefully OP. If DS is serious about her then this woman will be in your life to the day you die. Treat her like you would your own daughter, as in the long run it's better to build a mother-daughter relationship than a rivalry. If you pull her up a potentially innocent joke, she wont forget.

Why did you have to swallow it? Was she funding you at the time?

DarkKarmaIlama · 26/12/2022 15:09

Overall it sounds like a minor issue and maybe you’re just getting a bit annoyed with her constantly being around the house 24/7 which must be hard. She clearly likes being at your house when it’s nice and quiet, not the end of the world really.

SoundsInTheDay · 26/12/2022 15:10

That is rude. How old is she?

I am not known for my most accomplished manners but commenting like this shows lack of self awareness and lack of respect including self-respect.

How annoyed I'd be would depend on how old your 'DIL' is.

XmasDone · 26/12/2022 15:10

Choconut · 26/12/2022 15:01

Suggest - jokingly of course - that she can always move out if she doesn't like it.

This.

I would get annoyed too. She's not paying rent and she's not even your child. Can't she be grateful for how much you do for her?

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