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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sons girlfriends comments

262 replies

OnPurpleHill · 26/12/2022 14:02

My children have came back from the cities they live for Christmas/New Year as they always do. However my sons girlfriend who lives with us, as they’re saving up for a house, keeps making comments about how busy the house is and how she can’t wait till after new year till things are quiet again.

In her defence she’s saying these comments in a joking sort of way, however I’m absolutely furious. Firstly, I don’t get to see my children that often and I cherish Christmas so much more since they’ve moved out and come back for the holidays I don’t like the idea that they’re an inconvenience.

Secondly, it’s not even her house, if anyone doesn’t have a claim to this house it’s her. AIBU?

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 27/12/2022 18:09

I would say yes, we are a noisy loving family, my kids are always welcome, just like you are. If it’s overwhelming go and watch a bit of tv/ have a bath/ visit your parents.
If after that, she says it again, I’d probably say something a bit more spiky.

ImAvingOops · 27/12/2022 18:36

Yes, a lot does depend on how it was said and if this is a one off comment or a pattern of behaviour where OP feels the gf and DS are taking over the house.

BaconChops · 27/12/2022 20:40

You're just making a mountain out of a mole hill tbh. My answer would be well if you think it’ll be too much for you with everyone here you can stay elsewhere…..wouldn’t want you to feel as though you have to be here but I love family time especially at Christmas.

Chuck2015 · 27/12/2022 20:46

Sounds quite entitled to me. I wouldn’t have the gall to make any complaints if someone was putting me up rent free. But then I can’t imagine ever being that lucky!
She should really have given you all a bit of space tbh

Notthetoothfairy · 27/12/2022 20:59

Motorcycleemptyness · 26/12/2022 14:41

Be as furious as you want OP but good luck seeing your grandkids when they come along if you alienate her.

This. Play the long game OP, you could easily end up her MIL.

HappyHolidays22 · 27/12/2022 21:11

Oh OP, I don’t think you are being unreasonable to be upset by this. I totally get the situation you are in; your kids are home, your house is buzzing with YOUR family and someone - currently unrelated with no real attachment to or place in your home - is wishing them gone as if she has a right to dictate what your home is like. I would struggle with this and begin to resent her.

please ignore all those posters who are trying to suggest you have the problem here. You don’t!

the problem is that if you don’t find a way to get her to keep these thoughts to herself, I think this risks souring your relationship with her and possibly your son too which you don’t want.

I’d perhaps find a quiet opportunity the next time she says it to say something like ‘I’m loving the hustle and bustle of all my family under one roof but can understand if it feels too much for you. I won’t be offended if you need to stay away for a few nights to get some peace!’

good luck OP. Try not to let the feelings fester xx

Mandyjack · 27/12/2022 21:29

If she lives with you surely it's her home too? If she's not been there when everyone has maybe she's just finding it overwhelming.

Mandyjack · 27/12/2022 21:32

OnPurpleHill · 26/12/2022 14:09

They don’t pay rent as they’re saving for a deposit and I like her as a person, but I didn’t quite expect a full time lodger when they first started dating, in other relationships my son and his girlfriends have alternated between the houses they spend time in.

You sound like you begrudge her being there. Why did you agree to her moving in if you didn't really want her there?

SD1978 · 27/12/2022 21:34

I'd let her know she's welcome to go visit family until it's a bit quieter if that would suit her better.......

Dacadactyl · 27/12/2022 21:35

You sound TOUCHY!

GordonShakespearedoesChristmas · 27/12/2022 21:41

The point that many are missing is (regardless of what she prefers or what might be overwhelming her) these comments are rude.
Yes OP they are rude.
I would quietly ask her to stop saying it. That you live your family coming to you for Christmas and won't have any snarky comments made. Tell her.

SaySomethingMan · 27/12/2022 21:43

Motorcycleemptyness · 26/12/2022 14:41

Be as furious as you want OP but good luck seeing your grandkids when they come along if you alienate her.

She’d be a pretty stupid woman to
alienate her children from their grandma just because she expresses the desire for her own children yo feel welcome in her own home.

OP, I agree with you.
Why not say simply ´my children are always welcome back whenever’, when she says that?

An unmarried couple saving for a home together while living with one half’s family sounds messy tbh

santibaby · 27/12/2022 21:43

It does sound a bit tactless of her. Will she have moved out by next year?

Xer · 27/12/2022 21:47

Tell her that you miss everyone and you're pleased to have everyone back. If she keeps making it the same comments in a jokey way just keep repeating the above.

This time of year is high stress. Deep breaths. I'd also be having a conversation about when they will be moving put in 2023...

Xer · 27/12/2022 21:47

*out

Herejustforthisone · 27/12/2022 22:19

I’m not sure you really do ‘like her as a person’ do you?

StClare101 · 27/12/2022 22:49

Next time say “My children and friends are welcome anytime”. Long, hard stare.

She’ll get the message. If she doesn’t then “if the noise is bothering you, you can try visiting your parents”.

Either way I’d tell them they are paying for and organising the weekly grocery shop at an absolute minimum.

Goldbar · 27/12/2022 23:24

Sounds like it's time for your son and her to move out.

Alici · 27/12/2022 23:46

Whether she means to or not, she is being rude to your children. They may feel uncomfortable or think you have voiced this opinion privately for her to be so open about it. I would have a word with your son ASAP and ask him to have a word with her about it and for her to stop it.

Blueink · 28/12/2022 00:00

Have a word with your DS and find out if she can spend some time away from your home while your other DC are there.

It also seems like you don’t want her living with you on a full time basis, so that’s a bigger issue to address.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 30/12/2022 07:59

I reckon it's perfectly reasonable for a family member to comment that they're finding a lot of visitors overwhelming. But I think the problem is that she feels the place is her home (even if temporary) while you see her as a house guest (and maybe an unwanted one).

orangegato · 30/12/2022 08:01

OnPurpleHill · 26/12/2022 14:09

They don’t pay rent as they’re saving for a deposit and I like her as a person, but I didn’t quite expect a full time lodger when they first started dating, in other relationships my son and his girlfriends have alternated between the houses they spend time in.

As in not a penny? I saved up tens of thousands living with my parents while paying them rent and not ripping them off. You’re being taken for a mug and you maybe know it?

Rainbowsparkles29 · 30/12/2022 08:22

Good lord what a none issue. What exactly are people allowed to say these days without it being offensive?! She's making a passive joke about finding the crowds hard work. She's not asking you to remove the other guests. She's not bad-mouthing anyone. She's not really even complaining just making an observation. Just because her opinion of your house guests is slightly different to your's doesn't mean she isn't allowed to voice it or that she's saying it to upset you. This next generation of young adults is going to grow up afraid to talk.

EnyoClytemnestra · 30/12/2022 08:27

PurplePixies · 26/12/2022 14:15

Sounds like you resent letting her stay with you. Why did you agree to the arrangement? Is it because you don’t really want your son to leave home?

What does she contribute to your household in terms of practical help or financial contributions?

One the other hand, she obviously feels comfortable enough in your company to be honest about feeling a bit overwhelmed by the busyness in the house. That’s entirely normal when you’re used to a quiet home.

If you’re starting to feel resentful of their presence, maybe you need to discuss a moving out date?

This reply is spot on.

Dibbydoos · 30/12/2022 08:37

It's not inappropriate to respond to comments like this rather than get upset.
In any case, she can wish for what she likes it's her business. Enjoy you're DCs visits and ignore her.

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