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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sons girlfriends comments

262 replies

OnPurpleHill · 26/12/2022 14:02

My children have came back from the cities they live for Christmas/New Year as they always do. However my sons girlfriend who lives with us, as they’re saving up for a house, keeps making comments about how busy the house is and how she can’t wait till after new year till things are quiet again.

In her defence she’s saying these comments in a joking sort of way, however I’m absolutely furious. Firstly, I don’t get to see my children that often and I cherish Christmas so much more since they’ve moved out and come back for the holidays I don’t like the idea that they’re an inconvenience.

Secondly, it’s not even her house, if anyone doesn’t have a claim to this house it’s her. AIBU?

OP posts:
HotChoxs · 26/12/2022 18:38

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 26/12/2022 18:34

I didn't have children so that I could be cared for in my old age. That is not their responsibility.

As for life lessons over what is and isn't appropriate, I'd have hoped that, like most people who want their children to get on in the world and be able to communicate and interact with others effectively, I'd have taught them those lessons in their childhood.

Show quote history

Usually best set by example and not over-reacting to things so you end up lonely.

ImAvingOops · 26/12/2022 18:54

The thing is though, it's really hard to have someone living with you who isn't 'yours' and be completely patient and understanding 100%of the time. But if OP gets a bit snappy (even when she has a fair reason to feel a bit aggrieved), all the gf and dh will remember is OP being pissed of and not all the other support she's given them.

I think the gf probably just feels comfortable enough to say she's struggling, but for OP it's coming across like a cuckoo in her nest, kicking her own babies out. There's probably general irritation going on because it's an hard situation and when our own kids are annoying, we are programmed to still love them and this doesn't extend to other peoples kids.

And while OP wants gf to be comfortable, she doesn't want gf to take over and impose her preferences in what is the OP's house, when she's doing them a huge favour.

Ragwort · 26/12/2022 20:16

She sounds rude and ungrateful ... but I never understand why so many parents put up with their adult DC moving GF/BFs in ... it's perfectly possible to save up for a deposit without having to cohabit. And yes, I have an adult DS and the space to accommodate an extra person but I just wouldn't do it.

DeeCeeCherry · 26/12/2022 21:46

She's rude, ungrateful and lacks manners. Living rent-free(!), and commenting on house as if it's all about her. YABU for not telling her its a family home and you dont appreciate her comments so she can keep them to herself.

I bet pp's saying YABU would never put up with this but as its not them they're cool with trying to make you feel worse, and put you in the wrong

ImAvingOops · 26/12/2022 21:57

Sometimes it happens by accident. For us, DS gf was thrown out by her family and was going to stay here for a few months until uni. But then their academic plans changed and Covid happened. I wouldn't have chosen for them to be living together so young, but she needed help and support and there was no one else to do it.
Im glad to have helped her and I genuinely am fond of her, but it hasn't been easy and I think in not being able to do it perfectly and without any conflict, she and DS hold it against me somehow, and remember the odd argument and not the support!

Stompythedinosaur · 26/12/2022 22:01

I think you are hugely overreacting. She hasn't claimed to have a right to the house and she hasn't asked your family to leave. She has said she is looking forward to when the house is quieter. That is a pretty normal thing to think.

If you don't want her to live with you then you should absolutely tell her, bit this comment is not a big deal.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/12/2022 02:38

Stompythedinosaur · 26/12/2022 22:01

I think you are hugely overreacting. She hasn't claimed to have a right to the house and she hasn't asked your family to leave. She has said she is looking forward to when the house is quieter. That is a pretty normal thing to think.

If you don't want her to live with you then you should absolutely tell her, bit this comment is not a big deal.

If she's actually saying those things to the visitors, she's beyond obnoxious and entitled.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/12/2022 04:28

Ragwort · 26/12/2022 20:16

She sounds rude and ungrateful ... but I never understand why so many parents put up with their adult DC moving GF/BFs in ... it's perfectly possible to save up for a deposit without having to cohabit. And yes, I have an adult DS and the space to accommodate an extra person but I just wouldn't do it.

Agree with this. They can each live with parents or elsewhere and still save. No actual need to b living together, AND rent-free.

harrassedmumto3 · 27/12/2022 06:46

I agree that her comments are insensitive and rude.
She should put up and shut up!

billy1966 · 27/12/2022 10:20

Ragwort · 26/12/2022 20:16

She sounds rude and ungrateful ... but I never understand why so many parents put up with their adult DC moving GF/BFs in ... it's perfectly possible to save up for a deposit without having to cohabit. And yes, I have an adult DS and the space to accommodate an extra person but I just wouldn't do it.

Agree.

It's a MN phenomenon for me.

Don't know anyone IRL that allowed rando partners be brought home, teenage girlfriends moved in to bedrooms without a word, rent free girlfriends moving in and not paying rent.

This is just another bizarre story where the free renter feels so entitled she makes remarks about family members staying being an inconvenience.

Clearly we don't love our children enough🙄 as we sure as hell wouldn't tolerate the above for a minute.

billy1966 · 27/12/2022 10:26

ImAvingOops · 26/12/2022 21:57

Sometimes it happens by accident. For us, DS gf was thrown out by her family and was going to stay here for a few months until uni. But then their academic plans changed and Covid happened. I wouldn't have chosen for them to be living together so young, but she needed help and support and there was no one else to do it.
Im glad to have helped her and I genuinely am fond of her, but it hasn't been easy and I think in not being able to do it perfectly and without any conflict, she and DS hold it against me somehow, and remember the odd argument and not the support!

.....and this is the actual likely reality of doing it.

Putting yourself out massively and STILL not being appreciated, but judged🙄.

Much much better to say "Not happening"..........and spare yourself being resented for not 100% perfection in a situation that you weren't under ANY obligation to tolerate in the first place, and didn't want.

Huge favours are so quickly forgotten and morph quickly into entitlement.

Best not entertain it at all.

Weath · 27/12/2022 10:28

Shes being cheeky, its not her house and I can understand the comments irritating you.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 27/12/2022 11:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Rewis · 27/12/2022 11:48

billy1966 · 27/12/2022 10:20

Agree.

It's a MN phenomenon for me.

Don't know anyone IRL that allowed rando partners be brought home, teenage girlfriends moved in to bedrooms without a word, rent free girlfriends moving in and not paying rent.

This is just another bizarre story where the free renter feels so entitled she makes remarks about family members staying being an inconvenience.

Clearly we don't love our children enough🙄 as we sure as hell wouldn't tolerate the above for a minute.

Show quote history

Yes! I've been wondering if I'm totally out of date at the ripe old age of 30. I understand that things have changed since I was younger but teenagers did not have gf/bf moving in without a word. Adult children did move in with parents after university but that was a temporary solution and you did not move in to love with "in laws". If you want to live with your partner, you rent. You want to do whatever you want at your home? You move to your own place. Not in any dramaic way. There is a point when you are an adult with a full time job that your childhood home turn from your home into your parents home that you live in

ImAvingOops · 27/12/2022 11:57

Having done it, I would advise anyone else against it, because what you all say is true - people focus on the negative and tend to forget all the good stuff.
At the time I didn't know what else to do - gf had no where to go, had come from quite a nasty family, wasn't mentally up to living alone or in a hostel. She's needed someone to help support her with education, getting medical support. But in doing that, I kind of feel like I've lost my son - barely a text at Christmas. That's not all on her, obviously and I recognise that she has things going on mentally that have far reaching effects, but if I was to be completely honest, acting more selfishly might have worked out better for me.
But what can you do? When you have a young adult in front of you who needs help, you can't just give them up to a crappy care system.

ThePear · 27/12/2022 12:56

OP didn’t say the son+girlfriend are teens. They could be in their thirties, however OP never bothered replying to anyone’s questions.

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2022 12:58

OnPurpleHill · 26/12/2022 14:09

They don’t pay rent as they’re saving for a deposit and I like her as a person, but I didn’t quite expect a full time lodger when they first started dating, in other relationships my son and his girlfriends have alternated between the houses they spend time in.

Were you asked if she could move in?

Rewis · 27/12/2022 13:31

ThePear · 27/12/2022 12:56

OP didn’t say the son+girlfriend are teens. They could be in their thirties, however OP never bothered replying to anyone’s questions.

I responded assuming they are adults but referenced to teens since on mn there seems to be a thing going on where teenagers have their gf/bf randomly move in and spending all the nights together. And parents asking here wtf can they do.

Sceptre86 · 27/12/2022 15:29

A pp mentioned wisely that if you raise it all they will remember is the argument that stemmed from it and not all the support you have given. My dsis and her dh live with my parents rent free while saving for a deposit. He finds the noise when all us siblings come home too much and often retreats his bedroom. It does create an atmosphere if I'm honest which is why I rarely go to stay longer than a weekend. My mum would like my brother and youngest sister to move back home but neither will as long as other sister and her dh are there. My dad is adamant that is is all of ours family home and them living there full time doesn't make his house any more theirs and we shouldn't let that stop us from visiting.

Yanbu and I can see why you would be annoyed. It probably feels as though she doesn't want your other kids there when in your mind they have more of a right to be there than she does. In your shoes I would probably speak to them both and say that they will need to move out eventually and you are happy to support them for 6 months or another year or so then expect them to move on. Frame it in a way that you realise they need their own privacy and it can't be easy living as a young couple with only one room to all their own so whilst you will miss them support their need to move on.

ConsuelaHammock · 27/12/2022 15:32

Send her home to her own parents

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 16:32

tillytown · 26/12/2022 14:43

She's overwhelmed because there are more people than usual in her home, she's allowed to say that, if you dislike her so much that you have a problem with her expressing that then you should ask her and your son to move out

Well yes she’s “allowed” to say pretty much whatever the heck she likes. This isn’t Nazi Germany

but

most decent polite considerate adults don’t have the stance “whatever I’m “allowed” to do I will do”

She’s allowed to fart at the dining table, to leave skid marks on the toilet, to use the word “cun#” whenever she sees fit, to leave litter around the house etc etc … but pretty sure she doesn’t

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 16:34

What intrigues me is that the Op is in one sense close enough to her adult DC to allow his girlfriend to move in and for them both to live rent free there but not close enough with him to actually… have a conversation with him about this.

Mikki77 · 27/12/2022 17:39

I would be furious! Time to point out "My home, my children are welcome any time." Tell her 'if she doesn't like it she can move out,' jokingly. Ser how she likes it!

Bpdqueen · 27/12/2022 17:48

Iv been telling my whole family all Christmas about how I can't wait for when they leave its nothing personal it's just a lot and I like my own space

CoffeeMama1 · 27/12/2022 17:57

I can't believe this is even a question. It's perfectly normal for an adult to feel overwhelmed with a busy house over the holidays, it's a lot. It doesn't matter if it's "her" house, it IS her space too and she has every right to feel how she feels. That doesn't mean she's complaining or asking to it to be any different, she's just voicing that it's a lot for her.

If they're only allowed to live with you if they abide by certain behavioural conditions then you're not doing them a favour, they're putting up with it because they have no other choice in the current financial climate.