Sons girlfriends comments

[OnPurpleHill]

My children have came back from the cities they live for Christmas/New Year as they always do. However my sons girlfriend who lives with us, as they’re saving up for a house, keeps making comments about how busy the house is and how she can’t wait till after new year till things are quiet again.

In her defence she’s saying these comments in a joking sort of way, however I’m absolutely furious. Firstly, I don’t get to see my children that often and I cherish Christmas so much more since they’ve moved out and come back for the holidays I don’t like the idea that they’re an inconvenience.

Secondly, it’s not even her house, if anyone doesn’t have a claim to this house it’s her. AIBU?

Just make a comment back that you love having your kids to stay and would hate them to feel an inconvenience. She probably just feels a bit overwhelmed with all the people

"You cannot invite someone to live with you, then accuse them of 'mooching'. Invite lodgers in willingly, or don't. Inviting people in, only to resent them, would be incredibly mean-spirited. "

Where does it say the Op invited to the girlfriend to live full time & rent free in her home?

Furious 🤣

So they invaded the OP’s home with no permission? If the OP does not like the existing arrangement, shouldn’t she have made that clear ages ago? I’m assuming they did not force their way into the OP’s house?

She lives with you, with your agreement, I presume, and so therefore, it is her home too, now, temporarily at least.

It would be unsurprising to feel a bit overwhelmed in her situation, and perhaps a bit like she is out of place. The last thing she needs is to have her future MIL being grumpy with her for it.

When me and my husband (then boyfriend) were saving for a house deposit (13 years ago) ... I was your sons girlfriend!
I was welcomed into my husbands parents home, on the proviso that it was only whilst we were saving for a deposit, we tidied up after ourselves and paid for our own food!... I was extremely grateful for this. Because my own parents (my mum) would not allow my now husband to sleep over under any circumstances (her house, her rules I guess).... she's quite old fashioned.. now married, we are allowed 😅🤣.
If my husbands parents wouldn't have allowed me to stay, we would have had a very miserable 18 months living separately and to be honest, I think it would have pushed our relationship to the max, as what young adult couple want to live apart if they can help it?

Me and my husband have both agreed that when our 3 boys grow up, they are welcome to have partners stay on the same provisos, my husbands parents gave us.

Yes, she's in your house and she might have annoyed you. But she wasn't been rude or disrespectful...she was being factual in her observations! 🤷‍♀️

I agree.

I also think what a fuss about nothing.

We always say we'll love it when it's quieter but we don't mean we want every one to disappear.

You can have too much of a good thing and every ones tolerances for things are different.

I'm sure the GF knows that the family are wanted but in a healthy household you should be able to communicate feelings in a non-combative way.

Being furious or resentful of someone making light of an overwhelming situation for them, or even seeing them as rude and ungrateful is not healthy and just indicates bigger issues.

If you're unhappy with her being in the house OP then you need to set polite and firm boundaries and ask them to move out if you don't want your relationship with your son and his Gf to sour.

How old is she?

has she been helping?

have you been quite stressed?

I can see both sides of this. She probably meant no harm and is just feeling overwhelmed. But otoh, it's not appropriate to complain about sharing the home with the OPs actual children!
Ive been in this position with DS gf living with us for far longer than anticipated. Things became quite fraught at times by the end - both DS and gf are very messy, the house was too small and we were all getting on each other's nerves a bit. It wasn't helped by the pair of them behaving as if it was their house and me getting a bit snappy (although I swallowed loads too)!

I felt I was doing my best to help them out and they were not keeping up their end of the agreement. Now they've moved out, I do think they remember the fraught bits and have forgotten all the help and support - I kind of regret being so accommodating to be honest, as I think our relationship has suffered - it's not easy and comfortable and I don't feel welcome in their house really.
But I can see that it must have been hard for DS gf to be living with us all too.

So my advice is to keep a lid on the annoyance but to have a discussion with your son and see how far they are from moving out. There does come a point where adults all need their own space. Gently suggest that they start looking for somewhere in the new year if possible.

She's obviously entitled to feel that way. I think most people would in her shoes. But you don't say it outloud. Several times. Even as a joke when you're living as an adult for free at your boyfriends mothers house. Her children are visiting her. That's the exchange for living rent free.

Once in a lighthearted way was fine. Repeated comments is not fine. It's rude and designed to try to squash people's enjoyment of the day.

It’s one thing letting your own child live at home rent free so he can save for a deposit. Bit of a cheek being expected to subsidise the girlfriend as well.

She can think what she likes but she was very rude to make such a comment like that in front of your family. If I'd heard that, I'd be feeling most unwelcome.

If she's feeling a bit overwhelmed she could go for a walk or to her bedroom to watch telly/read/have a nap.

I'm not surprised you're angry, OP. You want your children to feel welcome and at home when they visit you.

Oh for godsake, she’s allowed to make a joke and have a personality. If you’re unhappy about the terms on which they stay, that’s YOUR responsibility to define.

honestly, MIL’s like you need to realize you should treat your future DIL with as much love as your own children or expect to lose your son in the future

And also, just make an equally cheeky comment back! No need to slag her off on mumsnet

‘Cheeky cow’, ‘entitled little madam, ‘cunt’
jesus, such cringey rage at some woman an OP wrote about 😄

I’m sure OP can figure out that she can get her freeloading son and his girlfriend out of her property (that she has ‘no claim to’ 😂) at any time if she’s not coping with her fury.

I’m think you’re being really precious, particularly the comment about not anyone to say your adult children are an inconvenience.

She lives there, you agreed to it, it’s her home and she’s allowed to be relived when the house is quiet again.

If you don’t want your adult son and his partner living with you rent free that’s a separate issue.

I'm surprised at the posters disagreeing with OP.
I agree of course it's fine for the girlfriend to FEEL a bit overwhelmed with a busy house and think to herself, or even express privately to OPs DS that she will prefer it when it's quiet, but it's really oblivious and rude to say it multiple times in front of OP and presumably DS's siblings.

I'm surprised none of them have called her out on it, my parents like you say they always want us to be welcome at theirs, I wouldn't be particularly impressed if I'd travelled to my childhood/parents home to see my family for christmas and my brother's random girlfriend who was living there for free kept saying how much she wanted me to leave!

She absolutely is in rights in feeling this. What she shouldn't do is keep banging on about it. It's incredibly rude.

The OP said it was jokey and perhaps the reason why her children have not complained is because they took it as the light hearted comment it was meant to be.

I fear that the OP has already gone down the road of creating a horrible atmosphere in the house and her relationship with her potential future DIL is already in the rocks.

It is best if the OP’s son and GF move out because the OP has a lot of resentment about the current arrangement.

Tbh this IS christmas in a nutshell .

Loads of grown up people all cooped up with other, taking offence at nothing much really.

She's made a throwaway comment . Tbh it's not much at all.

Here we all are analysing the hell out of it. Some taking total offence.

Please OP you've probably been rushing round like a blue arsed fly . sit down pour a Baileys and leave it go. Seriously in the grand scheme. It's nothing.

As pps have observed, it was rude to voice her thoughts, however heartfelt.

Imagine if you were one of the visiting adult children and you db’s gf said this. Any normal person would be beyond furious.

I think a pp had the right response in that the gf could be “given permission” to take herself off upstairs for some peace and quiet, no pressure to participate, understand it’s a bit loud etc etc. But wishing the adult dcs would leave… noooooooo!!!!

Its not just about the comments about the house being busy is it?

She’s outstayed her welcome so you need to call time on them living with you.

I’m assuming they both work, so they can rent somewhere cheap and save up for their own house (like we did).

sorry, crossposted with @latetothefisting

I think perhaps she feels comfortable enough to voice it’s a bit crowded. If she’s otherwise nice I would just say “I love having my kids back at home, it is busy but good busy for me” gentle smile.

I would take this with a pinch of salt, I’m sure I’ve said some unintentionally insensitive things to my MIL at some point. I would never intend to do so but I know of a comment someone made to her once which really upset her but wouldn’t have bothered me in the least. It’s not that I would have brushed it off it just wasn’t offensive in my view (and MIL is genuinely very lovely so I was utterly bewildered by how upset she was) Sometimes you don’t realise how something you’ve said sounds to someone else.