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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

812 replies

MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 11:18

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

OP posts:
WineDarkNo308 · 26/12/2022 12:30

They told you at 21 how much you would inherit at 40 and then gave your siblings all or some of their inheritance. Well that was pointless putting the age limit on it. Always knowing that there’s a potential lump sum coming your way will always have an effect on the mindset of you and your siblings. Your parents have said you don’t have to agree, so if the money means that much to you, tell your parents that. You’re not entitled to anything just because they said you could have X amount nearly 30 years ago, so many things could’ve happened leaving you without anything. Ultimately though it’s a handout not an inheritance and it’s their decision how they choose to use their money.

Original poster
MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 12:31

It honestly didn't feel like i have a choice because he either uses my share of the 'inheritance' or uses the rest of his or gets a job. My parents reason that he'll need the rest of his share for himself and his children. I agree with them on that.

If I don't agree to sharing with him, I'll most likely be seen to be unwilling to chip in to help a family member in distress which is awful, you see, especially since I should be so grateful to be getting any money at all. Besides if I were to go back to work, I'd make so much money so quickly since I'm the little hard worker. Mum had 3 kids back to back and she managed!

We're fucked up.

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 26/12/2022 12:31

Grow a back bone, stand up for yourself. Say no. I appreciate that brother is dealing with xxx but I myself have ....

FatEaredFuck · 26/12/2022 12:32

MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 12:25

He still has his 50% of his share but he's saving it for his future apparently. And may parents are right in thinking he'll need every help he can get if he carries on living like he is.

Show quote history

The fuck? So your brother can access a large pot of savings but instead your parents think it's a better idea for you just to give him cash?

Say no and keep it purely business like - that's how they've set up this arrangement, YANBU for saying "I've considered it but we have plans for the inheritance. If brother is in need he can access his portion".

Soubriquet · 26/12/2022 12:32

Just stand firm and say no. Tell them he already had his. He could have saved it like you did but he didn’t and if he is too proud to go back to work for someone else, it’s his own stupid fault

Cotonsugar · 26/12/2022 12:32

So much judgment on here and most haven’t even read what you have written properly or have chosen not to. I have three children and they will all inherit the same amount. I would tell your parents that they should give you what your siblings have had/will have. Your brother’s problems are for him to solve😐

rosiebl · 26/12/2022 12:32

I don't understand why he's saving his other 50% but is happy to spend some of yours? How odd. If you had a plate of food and brother said 'I think I will eat your plate instead of mine, I'm saving mine for later', everyone would laugh and tell him to stop being ridiculous. Surely you just say to your parents.
"I had a think about this and really for fairness, brother should just get his own 50% share now to spend as he wishes and I should get 100% of mine. I had planned to spend mine on XYZ when I turn 40 in January as you previously promised me". It's a really simple conversation?

MamaFirst · 26/12/2022 12:33

MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 12:25

He still has his 50% of his share but he's saving it for his future apparently. And may parents are right in thinking he'll need every help he can get if he carries on living like he is.

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OMG!! All the worse!! Absolutely unacceptable, this alone should be your answer. He has his 50% end of discussion.

usedtolovenaps · 26/12/2022 12:33

MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 12:31

It honestly didn't feel like i have a choice because he either uses my share of the 'inheritance' or uses the rest of his or gets a job. My parents reason that he'll need the rest of his share for himself and his children. I agree with them on that.

If I don't agree to sharing with him, I'll most likely be seen to be unwilling to chip in to help a family member in distress which is awful, you see, especially since I should be so grateful to be getting any money at all. Besides if I were to go back to work, I'd make so much money so quickly since I'm the little hard worker. Mum had 3 kids back to back and she managed!

We're fucked up.

He needs to get a job.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 26/12/2022 12:33

I think I would push the decision back into their court. Say its totally up to them what they do but that you think favouring one sibling over another usually ends up destroying family relationships and that you fear that will be the case here.

icelollycraving · 26/12/2022 12:33

I think I got confused with the amount and your birthday!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/12/2022 12:33

Sorry but this is their money, that THEY EARNED. It is not yours by right. Or entitlement. It is their choice to do whatever they want to do with it. They can leave it all to charity if they want.

I understand you feel a bit slighted, but you could have asked for it early as your siblings did. And you say you are financially secure, so you don't actually need it anyway.

Sounds a bit like a bit of foot-stamping and 'But it's not FAIR' going on, to be honest. Rise above it. You're 40.

NoSquirrels · 26/12/2022 12:34

MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 12:31

It honestly didn't feel like i have a choice because he either uses my share of the 'inheritance' or uses the rest of his or gets a job. My parents reason that he'll need the rest of his share for himself and his children. I agree with them on that.

If I don't agree to sharing with him, I'll most likely be seen to be unwilling to chip in to help a family member in distress which is awful, you see, especially since I should be so grateful to be getting any money at all. Besides if I were to go back to work, I'd make so much money so quickly since I'm the little hard worker. Mum had 3 kids back to back and she managed!

We're fucked up.

Say. No.

He uses his 50% now.

You take your 100%.

If in the future your brother needs bailing out again for him and his children, that is an entirely separate scenario that your parents can take a decision on.

Please be honest with them and say no.

walkinthewoodstoday · 26/12/2022 12:34

You say no politely and explain your reasons. Don't make them feel bad- your brother has probably already guilted them. If necessary write a letter and then ask to chat it through and say you feel like it's an awkward position

MustardCress · 26/12/2022 12:34

Definitely say no. That you have made plans for the money and are relying on it.

Horrible of them to put you in this position. Your brother needs to use his remaining half before trying to take anything else.

Don’t be the doormat anymore OP.

whowhatwerewhy · 26/12/2022 12:34

I would have to say no .
Explain to your parents both of your siblings chose to have there inheritance early.
You chose to wait until you turned 40 . Your DB still has half of his to take and should tide him over until he's back on his feet .

Choccolatte · 26/12/2022 12:35

It's absolutely awful. I am quite skint and riddled with health problems. My sister is very well off, is set to inherit fuck loads off her in-laws (over a million!) My mum asked if I felt I should get more money than them. Absolutely not was my response. It's all about feeling equally treated.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/12/2022 12:35

I’d be worried about what will actually happen in their old age

Since OP said there are cultural issues here and DB is the "darling prince", they'll probably expect her to do all the caring too Hmm

Zonder · 26/12/2022 12:35

MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 12:25

He still has his 50% of his share but he's saving it for his future apparently. And may parents are right in thinking he'll need every help he can get if he carries on living like he is.

Show quote history

His future is now!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/12/2022 12:36

Besides if I were to go back to work, I'd make so much money so quickly since I'm the little hard worker

he either uses my share of the 'inheritance' or uses the rest of his or gets a job.

So neither of you work? You're just circling your parents' money? Nice morals.

saleorbouy · 26/12/2022 12:36

It seems strange to me that all-out parents offspring are relying on them to bail them out of their adult financial woes.
I understand your sense of unfairness and it's up to you to voice that and explain how you brother has already been bailed out.
This is not 'inheritance' but cash gifts from living relatives. Be careful as contributions over the HMRC limits are taxable for up to 7years after gifting if the benefactor deceases during this time.

whatstheteamarie · 26/12/2022 12:36

I would approach this situation as your parents coming to you as a fellow-parent and equal, asking you what you think they should do.

In which case you can, in good conscience, go back to them and say that you feel honoured that they respect you as a good parent to ask your opinion of this situation and that you personally believe that bad decisions and behaviour should not be rewarded either with more attention or financially and to that end you think your brother should not receive a greater amount of his "inheritance.

They obviously respect your opinion as a parent as they came to you with this question, so you can be honest in your answer; why would they have asked you if they didn't want an honest response?

icelollycraving · 26/12/2022 12:36

If he has half left, then it is really outrageous that he should have yours too! So he don’t work but without the money, you’ll have to. So it’s gone for you to work to provide for your family but not him

NoSquirrels · 26/12/2022 12:36

It honestly didn't feel like i have a choice because he either uses my share of the 'inheritance' or uses the rest of his or gets a job.

Read this again.

He has choices, two of which are perfectly reasonable- uses his remaining handout and getting a job. One is unreasonable, so tell your parents so and take it off the table. That IS your choice.

MuttsNutts · 26/12/2022 12:36

MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 12:25

He still has his 50% of his share but he's saving it for his future apparently. And may parents are right in thinking he'll need every help he can get if he carries on living like he is.

Show quote history

Hilarious! So he wants to save his and spend yours in the meantime.

Tell him to get tae fuck!