To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

[MoMuM7]

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

Honestly he had his and spunked it. From what you’ve said he could work but decides not too. What happens when your money still isn’t enough. I’d say no but that you’d be willing to help him scrub up his cv and that you’ve love to invite him and nieces/nephews out for a few day trips your treat. That obviously with you having your own child now and your work situation you really can’t be giving away such large promises sums of money.

Is your brother older or younger than you? I’m asking because if he’s not yet 40 he’s due to get the second half of his “inheritance” at some time isn’t he? Would you consider letting him have “some” of your share on the proviso that you get to share his future pay out?

I think I'd send a message putting this firmly back in their court whilst making your position clear. "I had a think about what you suggested and I would find it really upsetting if you choose to give part of my inheritance to DB. I've been hoping to use that to give me breathing space and some support for my mental health as I've been struggling. It's your money to share, but it would upset me to be treated so unequally to my siblings".

Do they know you're exhausted and want time off? Why do you feel obliged to say yes? Aren't you angry that your cheating brother needs a bail out?

Your brother got his inheritance and has now ballsed everything up. This is on him not you. NOT YOUR FAULT AND NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO SOLVE.
He can get a job like the vast majority in this country to keep himself. Not wanting to work for someone else like most of us is some entitlement from him.
If your parents need care in their later years bet he won't be up to doing anything but it will be left to you and your sister.
Stay strong and let him sort himself out as it's not like he has run out of options.
HE NEEDS TO GET A JOB PERIOD.

What prevents your brother getting a job, has he even tried?
Unbelievable really that a grown man would ask his parents for a handout instead of looking for work and signing up as a job seeker in the mean time.
Maybe your parents could give him a loan to tide him over from their own money?

Yep. I have avoided asking them for anything for that very reason. But I come from a culture where helping family is expected and he is the darling Prince

I think I would be tempted to say that you understand them asking (although I wouldn't!) but you've made financial plans on the basis that you would receive that money. Surely if that's been promised then that's normal.

Plus if you're brother has had 50% surely he will get the other 50% when he turns 40?

Or your parents could just give him his 50% early?

Just tell them the truth.

He still has his 50% of his share but he's saving it for his future apparently. And may parents are right in thinking he'll need every help he can get if he carries on living like he is.

Say no!

Idiot brother will learn more about the value of money by earning it and understanding how to act responsibly. Do not fall for this! Stand up for yourself!

Don't say yes . Your brothers woes are not your fault . Who knows you may have a great need for the money yourself in time .

They want to spend all their hard earned money while they are still alive. Everything left after they die goes to charity. To think they thought this would stop their children from squabbling over an inheritance

It might have done if they'd been more even handed about it, but the way this is being handled is a recipe for resentment - and that's from someone who doesn't believe anyone should expect money

Unfortunately, even if you say no, it's quite possible they'll bail DB out anyway, but with a side order of "unkind DD didn't want to help"
The good news is that you're financially independent of them anyway; that's a positive thing, so well done for all the work you've put into your own financial security and keep in mind that living off someone else's money isn't always the best way

Tell you parents what you said you hoped to do in your OP. And tell your brother to get a job.

I think you need to be honest . At the end of the day your brother made his decision to have part of his money at age 25. Do you think this decision by your parents has been influenced by your brother ?

I’m just saying that in this position I would worry my parents were not sufficiently provided for themselves in their old age.

Unless you’re absolutely minted, and can afford to give loads of cash away and then some, even if you own a property then you need funds to maintain your property, etc. There’s a big gulf between initial retirement and ‘selling the house for care costs’ and they sound a bit naive about finances to me.

It would concern me. I’d still want the share my siblings had been given, but I’d be worried about what will actually happen in their old age.

But perhaps they are minted enough not to need to worry. Doesn’t sound like it, or they’d just give the brother more without mentioning it.

That’s a really difficult position to put you in. It’s up to you- if you say no you look and feel like a greedy bad person if you say yes then it’s done you out but they get to make themselves feel better by believing they gave you a choice, when in actual fact it really is not.

how about wording it this way?

’I would live to help DB out especially because of his situation but I do need to the money to cover maternity leave and taking time off from work so I can be with the kids while they are young. etc.

I have made these plans based on the money you promised and without it I will likely be in debt / struggle financially. I would really love to give the kids these memories of our time together when they are young.’

good luck op, I would love to know how the conversation goes. it’s a really crap thing to do to you and regardless of how well you try to manage this I’m afraid there will be some falling out but I really do not believe you should feel bad.

I’d say you actually felt upset that the Christmas Day before your ‘inheritance’ they chose to discuss it. To make you feel like you had to clean up after your brother. As an adult, he made his choices. As an adult, you’re making yours, so you’re saying no, you are very grateful for this gift.
It won’t keep him going for long, then what is his plan?
Have you told them what you were planning? If also ask them if they would have put the suggestion to your other sister or if she’s being asked for to fund an adult man who is capable of sorting his life out.
I hope they have a will in place to determine their financial plans for any money left. Do they own a home? He will be wanting that.
His ex wife presumably got what she deserved after her husband cheated and left their family devastated, not ‘taken to the cleaners’
Are they not grateful their GC have a parent who is actually being responsible unlike their foolish son. Perhaps that is too hard to accept.
I would say they offered this as a fair way of stopping inheritance squabbles but they are happening, but whilst they are alive and they are enabling it. 40k some years ago was worth more than 50k now. 40k in a house will have grown so much in equity!

I'd say no, and explain your situation and the plans you have for the money.

Your parents have asked rather than informed, giving you the opportunity to decline.

My brother cashed in what would be his inheritance from our grandmother to pay some debts.

I cashed in some of it take DS to Disneyland, but I took nan and my mum with us 😂 and I've told nan I'd rather she build memories with me and, mum and DS with the money than us just have some money when she's gone. She seems fully onboard with this idea (no surprise) and we're off on holiday again all together next year to a destination of her choice. 🤣 I'm basically fore fitting my inheritance in favour of memories, but I'm absolutely ok with this. Nan has worked all her life and she's 80 next year, I want her to enjoy not worry about piles of money to dish out equally. Money comes and goes is my life motto.

So just talk to you parents OP.

Random 50k there ^

Wait what I am hearing from this is that your parents have 3 kids and have an equal inheritance for you all that would arrive once you all got to 40. Your sister already used a lump sum, and your brother took half and you haven’t taken anything?

So technically speaking… you have the full amount, your sister has some and your brother has half of this inheritance left now?

you also said your brother asked for his share so he could put a down payment on a house (plus sabbatical) however your now feeling somewhat guilty and pressured to take less inheritance because he is in a dinky flat that cannot host his kids who’s mother he separated from because he cheated on her?

Im sorry but I also have a brother and sister, I don’t have any inheritance (and my siblings might I’m not sure) but regardless, if my situation played out like yours I would kindly decline to take less inheritance due to your brothers shortcomings because really and truthfully he decided to take half his money early, seems like he spent it incorrectly then decided to fuck up again by cheating, leaving himself destitute and having to live with his consequences.

He is a full grow adult now just like the rest of you and ultimately he made his bed so will have to sleep in it, he still has half his money left if I read correctly so ultimately let him take what he left himself and get himself out of his own mess! As you said, your sister wasn’t asked because they know full well she won’t bite, so don’t be a push over, put your foot down and for once tell your parents it’s unacceptable that you should consider loosing an equal inheritance you patiently waited for unlike your siblings just because your brother messed up big time. I’d be telling them you all had your chance to play the situation as you wished and you chose to not “cash in” early and so you would like to get your full amount in a few years when your 40th comes.

like PPs have said, I think either way you play it, your relationship could be rocky regardless however don’t let it be rocky , with you pulling the short end of the straw and being totally unhappy with the decision to loose piece just to fix a situation your brother put himself in (especially since your not all having to loose out to help him, it’s just you).

Oh my god so he still hasn’t used 50% of his share and wants yours instead? Don’t be such a doormat op, say this is ridiculous just give him the rest of his share if he wants money, his choice to save it and you’d like your share please!

I come from a culture where helping family is expected and he is the darling Prince

Cross posted with you, OP - in that case double what I said about them probably bailing him out anyway no matter what you say

As for "He still has his 50% of his share but he's saving it for his future apparently" I'd doubt that very much. Far more likely he's simply blown it and is now back for more

Just say no. It’s not fair for him to spend your share while hanging on to the other half of his own.

Could you not take a portion now and the balance due to you taken from the estate when they pass? If that’s not possible then I’d be saying no, your brother has brought this situation on himself and can easily resolve it.