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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

812 replies

MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 11:18

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 27/12/2022 08:55

BabyFour2023 · 27/12/2022 08:53

Can you show me where I said anything about OP crying in private and that being blackmail? It’s the first time I’ve responded to you on this thread so I’ve absolutely no idea where you’re pulling that one from!

Show quote history

That was to @704703hey, who you were supporting in your reply

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 27/12/2022 08:56

SirMingeALot · 27/12/2022 08:39

Your brother doesn’t want to get a job because then he would have to pay his ex-wife child maintenance. He has cooked up this scheme so that he can have a nice life and deprive his DC.

That thought did cross my mind. One of the advantages of self employment over employment is that it's much easier to piss about with maintenance when you aren't on PAYE, for those so inclined.

Oh wow. Yes that makes perfect sense.

op suggest this to your parents.

LaLuz7 · 27/12/2022 08:58

I also think @SirMingeALot is really on to something. Brilliant insight and I would absolutely mention the possibility to the parents.

boredsolicitor · 27/12/2022 09:38

i also think you should say no and tell them the reasons you have outlined re your mat plans etc. also that if you agree to the request you feel less valued by them than your siblings. i feel for you OP it's a horrible position to be put in . hope you resolve it

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/12/2022 09:59

Why can't fuckwit brother earn his own money?

Has it occurred to anyone else that DB may not want to work because that would put him in the frame for child maintenance? It's all very well for the DPs to claim they're "doing it for his kids" but who says they're actually seeing any of his money?

Anyway glad it went okay OP, but best hope getting that money "asap" becomes reality ... because I really can't see your DB appreciating it

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/12/2022 10:00

Apologies, SirMingeALot - I see I cross posted with you and am not the only one it occurred to after all

user1497207191 · 27/12/2022 10:35

WineDarkNo308 · 27/12/2022 08:27

The parents could have avoided all this by sticking to what they said In the first place and not giving the siblings anything until they were 40.

Yes, but 40 is a very strange age. For most people it's almost too late to make a difference. Usual age is 21 or 25 when the "inheritance" can really make a difference with the struggle of the early years of starting a family, buying a house, starting a career etc. Keeping your kids "dangling" until they're 40 sounds a bit controlling to me. I think it's better either waiting until you die, or giving it at 21/25 - 40 seems neither one thing nor another, and even worse, it being "flexible" according to the parent's idea of whether it's needed or not. Controlling behaviour!

SirMingeALot · 27/12/2022 10:36

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/12/2022 10:00

Apologies, SirMingeALot - I see I cross posted with you and am not the only one it occurred to after all

No worries, @Rainbowqueeen was getting at that before me as well I think.

Judgyjudgy · 27/12/2022 10:41

Sorry, but you're being ridiculous.theyce already told you that you can say no, so just say no Hmm

LaLuz7 · 27/12/2022 10:45

@Judgyjudgy she has. Which you could have easily known, had you read OPs latest posts.

TeaMeBasil · 27/12/2022 10:59

Well done Op, that's not an easy conversation for you to have but I'm so glad that you didn't let this happen.

You can only hope that if your dad is starting to get weary of him, he'll stop anything before it goes too far, your brother seems like he'll just take whatever he wants in order to not get a job.

Cakeorchocolate · 27/12/2022 12:10

YANBU to not want to do it.
YABU to just roll over and say yes when your parents have specifically said you don't have to.

Tell them the truth.
You would like your inheritance, you have been planning for it and have been struggling mentally a little so having the inheritance allows you to take the break that you need (and therapy) and maybe you will be in a better position to support your brother as a result (if you want to).

If your brother has more inheritance 'due' then they should offer him support by using that. Not 'your' share.

Good luck!

Cakeorchocolate · 27/12/2022 12:12

Oh sorry I see you already had a conversation - i did read your updates first but somehow missed that 😵

Emotionalsupportviper · 27/12/2022 12:47

MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 21:09

I couldn't think less of DB but that's not a battle I'm going to fight. I'm still angry at my parents for the blatant favouritism but since they won't own up to it, I'll deal with it in therapy. I really really REALLY hope DB won't take all their hard earned £.

Show quote history

You are wise to step back. If you don't you will become bitter and it won't make the blindest bit of difference anyway.

I think your parents will become wise to him, but he is going to pressure them a lot. You just look after your own family and let them sort it out between them.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/12/2022 12:55

You are wise to step back. If you don't you will become bitter and it won't make the blindest bit of difference anyway
I think your parents will become wise to him, but he is going to pressure them a lot. You just look after your own family and let them sort it out between them

Very much agree with this; as is often said, we can't control the actions of others but only our own responses to them

If it comes to it I certainly wouldn't be listening to any whining about how badly he's treated them though ...

Emotionalsupportviper · 27/12/2022 12:55

704703hey · 26/12/2022 21:50

She said she was crying...that's quite extreme.

I doubt she would put the work in if they came incapacitated in their elder years.

Show quote history

OP has been working freelance (an often unreliable income), had two babies in a short period of time, and is just physically and mentally exhausted.

She had been relying on the promised gift of cash to give herself the opportunity to re-charge her batteries and not have to worry about making a living for a few months. If she hadn't been aware of this money her expectations wouldn't have taken it into account.

Of course, she was disappointed and I'm not surprised she cried - it's like being at sea and drowning, an someone throws you a rope and then snatches it away as you reach for it!

I've been so tired that I've sat and sobbed with sheer exhaustion before. If you haven't, then you're lucky.

Emotionalsupportviper · 27/12/2022 13:08

Rainbowqueeen · 27/12/2022 08:28

Your brother doesn’t want to get a job because then he would have to pay his ex-wife child maintenance. He has cooked up this scheme so that he can have a nice life and deprive his DC. I very much doubt that his ex took him to the cleaners. she got what she was entitled to. Otherwise I’m sure he would have asked your parents to pay legal fees so he could contest it in court.

If your parents cared about “family” they would not be asking this of you or be willing to deprive your DC and your brothers DC in this way.

Write to them and say you have considered their request carefully including the impact (both financial and emotional) on all members of the family and have to say no. Say that you are their loving daughter and want to continue to have a lovely relationship with them and your brother and the best way to ensure that is to say no.

I hadn't thought of this -but I bet you're right! One of the great "advantages" of being self-employed for may an *rsehole is the opportunity it gives them to renege on their legal responsibilities - they can have "bad years", hide funds, or just fold their businesses to claim the haven't got an income.

The brother sounds more and more of a prince with every passing post.

I don't think it's about the money for OP. I think deep down it's the hurt.

Agree @faffadoodledo - it is the hurt, and the feeling (which may be right or wrong) that another child is preferred, no matter how unreasonable their behaviour has been.

TheWordWomanIsTaken · 27/12/2022 13:26

The thing for me would be that the 'value' of the money they have already given to your siblings is so much more.

If they had £120k and you were to get £40k each for eg, that £40k would have been worth so much more to your sister 19 years ago than it is to you now (altho still a significant sum). So I feel you are already at a disadvantage. You should have taken 'your share' at the time that your siblings had theirs.

I would like to think that I would say no but appreciate that that would be so very hard to do.

WineDarkNo308 · 27/12/2022 14:39

user1497207191 · 27/12/2022 10:35

Yes, but 40 is a very strange age. For most people it's almost too late to make a difference. Usual age is 21 or 25 when the "inheritance" can really make a difference with the struggle of the early years of starting a family, buying a house, starting a career etc. Keeping your kids "dangling" until they're 40 sounds a bit controlling to me. I think it's better either waiting until you die, or giving it at 21/25 - 40 seems neither one thing nor another, and even worse, it being "flexible" according to the parent's idea of whether it's needed or not. Controlling behaviour!

Show quote history

You’re quite right, at 21, 40 feels like a lifetime away. I’d hope that the parents updated their wills accordingly when funds were given in advance.

YourWinter · 27/12/2022 17:11

Nobody knows what they may face in the future, however secure or comfortable your position is currently, it could change at any time. Your parents can divide things in any way they choose, but you certainly don’t have to agree and give them your blessing to disadvantage you.

angela99999 · 27/12/2022 17:22

TakeYourFinalPosition · 26/12/2022 11:21

They’ve asked… so say no. Explain what you were planning.

Yes, this.

Naddd · 27/12/2022 17:25

MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 11:18

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

Your folks have said you don't have to so don't.
What's the problem?

Hopeistaysane · 27/12/2022 17:28

Just tell them honestly how you feel. Don’t hold back or you will regret it later. Your brother made his own choices and suffered the consequences. Not your problem and you shouldn’t have to suffer as a result.

Thisisnotreallymyname · 27/12/2022 17:29

Say no, he can’t have it.
you stuck to the original “ rules “. You are fully entitled to what they originally promised you x

Trying2bkind · 27/12/2022 17:33

Say No, explain how you feel (they should not have asked you in my view - just not fair) and don’t regret it. You’ve waited - which could have changed things in the interim - your siblings actions is not on you.