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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

812 replies

MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 11:18

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

OP posts:
GreenSunfish · 26/12/2022 19:46

If you don’t stand up for yourself now and your brother takes your share it will lead to family bust ups down the line.

LimeCheesecake · 26/12/2022 19:47

If they had given you the money at 30 instead of 40, and you hadn’t spent it, would it be reasonable for them to ask you to give some to your brother to fund him not working?

ultimately if they decide they don’t want to give you the amount they originally promised for your 40th and to use the difference to help your brother, that’s their choice, by asking you they’ve acknowledged as far as they and the rest of the family are concerned, the money belongs to you, so have asked if you would be happy to give some of your money to your brother.

id go with saying that if it’s your choice then no, you wouldn’t give some of your money to your brother, but if they do want to give money to him and then decide to give you less than both siblings, that will be their choice.

Notonthestairs · 26/12/2022 19:47

I bet the brother wouldn't use his gifted money to bail out the Op.

I bet he wouldn't even be asked to.

Allsnotwell · 26/12/2022 19:47

I agree the only thing your brother had learnt is to rely on the bank of mum and dad - I also wonder if her is aware of the situation?

Currently he can choose to use his share and work - it’s not one or the other! He has skills and there’s a skills shortage.

Allsnotwell · 26/12/2022 19:50

To add I would also ask for all your share and say if you choose to help your brother that will be a conversation to be had with him.

If this is a huge sue you could then approach a solicitor to ring fence your investment - plus interest if you invest in a property. Solicitor could advise.

He could then pay you rent or a % of the property based on different conditions - like the children become in adults/ he can can buy shares back when working etc

There are more ways to deal with this that all or nothing.

musingsinmidlife · 26/12/2022 19:58

Allsnotwell · 26/12/2022 19:50

To add I would also ask for all your share and say if you choose to help your brother that will be a conversation to be had with him.

If this is a huge sue you could then approach a solicitor to ring fence your investment - plus interest if you invest in a property. Solicitor could advise.

He could then pay you rent or a % of the property based on different conditions - like the children become in adults/ he can can buy shares back when working etc

There are more ways to deal with this that all or nothing.

OPs parents are alive. This isn't actually inheritance money. It is just the parents current savings. She has no legal entitlement to their savings accounts or assets and you can't take legal action to force your parents to pay you an equal amount from their savings as they spent on your siblings. Adults can decide how to spend their money while alive. OP is banking on a conversation from when she was a teen / young adult where they said they would give her some money at forty. Now they are asking her if she needs the money because if not they will spend their money differently to help out another of their children who they feel needs it.

You may wish parents dead so you can get your hands on their cash and assets but the reality is that while alive, they have control of their own funds and can spend it as they wish.

BellePeppa · 26/12/2022 20:02

You shouldn’t have to pay the price (literally) for his cheating and consequent divorce. Stand up for yourself and say No!

LaLuz7 · 26/12/2022 20:04

musingsinmidlife · 26/12/2022 19:58

OPs parents are alive. This isn't actually inheritance money. It is just the parents current savings. She has no legal entitlement to their savings accounts or assets and you can't take legal action to force your parents to pay you an equal amount from their savings as they spent on your siblings. Adults can decide how to spend their money while alive. OP is banking on a conversation from when she was a teen / young adult where they said they would give her some money at forty. Now they are asking her if she needs the money because if not they will spend their money differently to help out another of their children who they feel needs it.

You may wish parents dead so you can get your hands on their cash and assets but the reality is that while alive, they have control of their own funds and can spend it as they wish.

Show quote history

No one is arguing that OP has a legal claim on thar money. She doesn't.

We are arguing on the morality of the situation, not on legal technicalities.

It’s not illegal to be an asshole and her parents are acting like ones.

Spottypaperbag · 26/12/2022 20:06

Hope the conversation went well OP.

musingsinmidlife · 26/12/2022 20:07

LaLuz7 · 26/12/2022 20:04

No one is arguing that OP has a legal claim on thar money. She doesn't.

We are arguing on the morality of the situation, not on legal technicalities.

It’s not illegal to be an asshole and her parents are acting like ones.

Show quote history

The post I responded to was telling her to talk to a solicitor to legally try to ring fence her share of the savings now so that there won't be less of an inheritance when her parents die. You can't keep your parents from spending their own money when alive (even if it is on things or people you don't agree with) so that your inheritance isn't reduced when they die.

Notonthestairs · 26/12/2022 20:08

Yes its entirely reasonable that the Ops brother has a) already spent 50% of his gift, b) wants to retain the rest of his share (so he will have benefitted 100% plus a portion of the Ops share, c) refuses to work and d) nobody has suggested the third child hand back a penny to support poor profligate brother.

Allsnotwell · 26/12/2022 20:10

OPs parents are alive.

Yep. Fully aware of that - have read the thread.

Parents promised the money. Up to OP to take it and then decide if she helps or not.

HornyHandedSonOfTroll · 26/12/2022 20:16

CocoLux · 26/12/2022 11:21

Well don't say yes, then. But relying on handouts from mummy and daddy when you're approaching middle age is asking for trouble.

This is a very mean response to someone asking for advice.

BatterseaBadger · 26/12/2022 20:22

100% say no. He is NOT more deserving than you and, while I think your plans for your share are really important for your well-being, you don't have to justify your position. I grew up in a family with abuse and lifelong trauma, but because I got myself sorted, I'm deemed to be at the bottom of the hierarchy of need. My share of my mother's inheritance is now forever tied up in the house where my brother lives. We have all battled with depression and suicidal thoughts but he's never worked to help himself....he 'seems' worse therefore he gets prioritised. I'm pretty angry about it and I suspect that you may end up feeling the same. Say no.

ScrabbleRabbler · 26/12/2022 20:31

I hope it goes ok, you’ve made the right decision for your own family and sense of fairness.

Emotionalsupportviper · 26/12/2022 20:32

Canthave2manycats · 26/12/2022 19:02

That's a horrible thing to say! Not only is the OP pregnant, but this conversation happened on Christmas Day FFS - and it's not the money per se - it's that the parents would even ask this of their daughter! She's the only one of the three who has waited patiently for her share, and because of that, her parents think it's ok to disadvantage her to accommodate her feckless brother? Really???

@MoMuM7 absolutely say no. Your twat of a brother should get 'rewarded' for shagging another woman and breaking up his family? If he was my son, I'd be ashamed of him. He already got money to buy a house - nothing to do with you that he fucked that up. Am I right in thinking that he still has half of his share? Let him use it. He made his bed etc. If he doesn't want to get a job, tough, he can live on benefits. Might make him feel more grateful for all the advantages he's had in life.

I disagree with PPs who say you're not "entitled" to anything - I think that you are, because your parents made this plan, communicated it and executed it for your siblings who asked for it early. You're just as worthy of receiving your equal share - if you don't ask for it for yourself, do it for your children.

Best wishes x

Show quote history

That's a horrible thing to say! Not only is the OP pregnant, but this conversation happened on Christmas Day FFS - and it's not the money per se - it's that the parents would even ask this of their daughter! She's the only one of the three who has waited patiently for her share, and because of that, her parents think it's ok to disadvantage her to accommodate her feckless brother? Really???

I agree - the money itself is incidental. What is upsetting is that OP's effectively being treated as second class. her brother is the Golden Boy - he still has half of his "inheritance" to come, but her parents think that he should have a portion of OP's share, too.

They have enough money, it seems, to give him a lot more if they chose to, but they choose not to - instead they suggest that she is penalised because he is a tw*t. I hope that they think again when she tells them how it has made her feel, and how she was depending on this money to give herself a much needed rest at the present time.

She must feel so hurt and rejected.

NoGoodUsernamee · 26/12/2022 20:36

Absolutely fucking not. If it makes you feel less guilty (although you shouldn’t anuway!) See it as him taking the money away from your children. It’s not fair. Just say it as it is.

If I didn’t need the money myself I would help brother even though he doesn’t deserve more. But me & my children really do need it so sorry. Even better tell your brother not your parents… if he gets angry about it his just a brat & who cares frankly.

MenopausalMe · 26/12/2022 20:42

I suppose the way my parents treat me and brother is the bigger issue that needs addressing.
100% this

I'm going to sit them down this evening and tell them how I feel.
Hope the conversation went well

704703hey · 26/12/2022 20:47

This doesn't come across very well. You are not entitled to anything from your parents and crying about it as you might not get as much as you thought you would seems obscene.

Do you think that you own your parents?

Original poster
MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 20:47

I took M&D to the pub this afternoon and told them how I'd hoped to spend their gift. To no one's surprise it was DB's idea that they ask me to share. He thinks my earning potential is greater than his so I'd have no trouble replacing whatever he takes. sigh

M&D were embarrassed when I told them that I felt they favoured him over me and they reiterated that he's always struggled more than me. He told them he cheated on his wife due to a sex addiction and he has been feeling suicidal ever since. Mum fully believes it but D seems exhausted by him. Last year they gave him a substantial sum to cover weekly therapy sessions for as long as six months and he has been TWICE. It explain his new nice Mercedes though. That being said I'm no mental healt expert so I'll stop there.

They agreed to give me my full share ASAP and they are going to cash out investments to help my brother along. For the sake of his kids...they asked me not to tell my sister and I said no because she will be affected should my brother bankrupt them.

I'm very grateful I'll have now the time i needed with my babies. I'm bowing out of the family drama.

OP posts:
Newuser82 · 26/12/2022 20:50

Congratulations. Well done for speaking up!!

LaLuz7 · 26/12/2022 20:53

Well done, you've made us proud @MoMuM7!

uhOhOP · 26/12/2022 20:53

Yes, well done OP. I hope you get the money paid to you without any issues. I'm pleased that the conversation went well for you.

Reindeersnooker · 26/12/2022 20:53

Great news. Your brother should be stopped from taking advantage of his parents like this though.

Reindeersnooker · 26/12/2022 20:54

I have to add, it does sound like you are really loved.