To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

[MoMuM7]

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

There are tax implications as well, assume your parents know all about that. Usually inheritance is given when someone dies and there are rules now about handing out lump sums before death.

It’s not a problem if you live for seven years. I just have to hang on for another 30 months for my estate to be free and clear!

That's a horrible thing to say! Not only is the OP pregnant, but this conversation happened on Christmas Day FFS - and it's not the money per se - it's that the parents would even ask this of their daughter! She's the only one of the three who has waited patiently for her share, and because of that, her parents think it's ok to disadvantage her to accommodate her feckless brother? Really???

@MoMuM7 absolutely say no. Your twat of a brother should get 'rewarded' for shagging another woman and breaking up his family? If he was my son, I'd be ashamed of him. He already got money to buy a house - nothing to do with you that he fucked that up. Am I right in thinking that he still has half of his share? Let him use it. He made his bed etc. If he doesn't want to get a job, tough, he can live on benefits. Might make him feel more grateful for all the advantages he's had in life.

I disagree with PPs who say you're not "entitled" to anything - I think that you are, because your parents made this plan, communicated it and executed it for your siblings who asked for it early. You're just as worthy of receiving your equal share - if you don't ask for it for yourself, do it for your children.

Best wishes x

Gosh, I really feel for you OP. There are some very complicated family dynamics at play here. I think it’s shocking for your parents to ask that you give up part of your inheritance. It is NOT your job to rescue your brother. I don’t think privilege comes into this - your parents promised you all something and you accepted their offer (in your mind) in good faith, so of course you’ve made plans for that money and assumed it will come to you at the promised time. I really hope your family don’t succeed in guilting you out of your inheritance!

You're a honey aren't you!!!

Totally agree with this. Your brother has half of his remaining share!! And he doesn’t want to work? Ok? He can suit himself but for OP to lose out on her inheritance because of what frankly sounds like utter selfishness would be outrageous!

OP isn’t pregnant @Canthave2manycats. She’s on mat leave with her second child.

Late to the party but just echoing what many others have said - you need to be honest about this OP - say no and explain why, and tell them what your plans are with the money. Why should you bail your brother out of a situation of his making? He should get a job! Stop being a people pleaser, and claim what is rightfully yours!

Oh and please pay no attention to the bitter posters who think you’re entitled to nothing. I don’t believe for a second that anyone in your position wouldn’t feel hurt.

Why can't they give you the money you were promised and extra to the brother from the care money they put to one side and if they need more they can still sell the house as is their fall back now?

Good luck this evening.

@MoMuM7 you E had the predictable MN response, but please ignore those posts.

The basics of the situation are that your parents are treating you with less respect and love than your brother. (Whose troubles might be said to have been self-inflicted).

YANBU to be deeply upset. Very deeply upset.

And it’s not about the money(although that is part of it). It’s the unequal treatment and the sense that your parents care less about you than your brother or sister.

As you’re finding out, sometimes there is a penalty for being the sensible, self- reliant child. Your family often assumes you need less care.

I hate the Biblical parable of the prodigal son. I always feel for the sensible elder son who does what he should do.

Good luck with talking to them.

Its ridiculous that the solution to your brother fucking up is you losing out. Especially when he still has half of “his” money left.

I’m guessing the fact your sister doesn’t talk to him is linked to his golden child status?

This is their money and they can spend it as they wish. They aren't dead and this isn't an inheritance being split as per a will or estate.

No one is entitled to their parents money. In this case your parents have asked you and so you can tell them you also need money. They may have no idea how much you are struggling and that you need their money too to get by. Money isn't always spent equally. Sometimes one child has a special need and needs equipment to therapies that cost more, sometimes one is in a competitive sport that is expensive etc. Many families spend based on need and not on every child gets the exact same amount, regardless of need. Your parents see they have one child in need and one child not in need so they are directing their resources as they see fit. If you are also in need, then you need to tell them so they can financially support you too.

OP, any updates? I hope you got to speak to your parents. It is not right that they give your share to your brother - I hope you got to explain that to them.

Sometimes one child has a special need and needs equipment to therapies that cost more

Comparing parents spending on a child with special needs to the OPs parenting prioritising her brother because he cheated on his wife is pretty much scraping the barrel in the “sometimes needs are different” stakes

Good luck, and please try to find a way to tell your parents how you feel. That it’s not about the money per se. It’s about the symbolism of helping your siblings but not you. Symbolically, what does that indicate about the way they think about you?

Ask your parents that. Ask them if they really think less of you than your brother and sister.

You again

It's not about money though is it. It's about favouritism. Just fairness and equality for all of their children

They've also been shits by putting it all on the op so it's her decision or she's the one condemning her brother to a life of misery (I mean he could get a job but that's obviously too easy a solution)

Your DB made his own choices and they shouldn't impact on you so you need to tell your parents no, they can't take from you to give to him. If they want to help him out he can have his remaining share can't he, didn't you say he only took held his initially?

Half!

I think if it was something like a medical condition or something they he had no control over then it would be different but if it’s because of a cheat induced divorce it’s very unfair. It’s essentially you giving your brother the money which is unfair. I actually think it’s extremely unfair to even put you in that position

Not all families exist under a every child gets exactly the same amount. My parents have helped out my adult brother and his kids because they need it. I would pout and complain and be mad that I didn't get the same amount but I don't have that mentality. I don't expect my parents to financially support me nor do I think as adults I am entitled to an exact equal share of all their savings and assets and that they have no right to spend their own money as they wish.

You're quite correct - I mixed the OP up with another post I just read. Still she's mentally and physically exhausted from having 2 babies in a short space of time.

@musingsinmidlife what a ridiculous comment!! Obviously parents spend money on their children according to their individual needs. You have a musical child, who takes lessons on various instruments - but another has no interest, and doesn't have an equivalent hobby - clearly there's a degree of inequity. You can't treat all of your kids exactly the same all the time.

One child lived away from home for uni and was supported; other two lived at home with no expenses and therefore were supported in that way.

This situation is different though. The OP's parents made a commitment to all of their three children and it's only fair that they honour that. I actually don't understand why they say aged 40, and then handed out to 2 of them. All 3 should have got it at the same time.

@musingsinmidlife that's not what I'm saying. I don't expect money. Or even the same amount of money.

But giving money to two kids. Then asking the third to give theirs to their cheating lazy brother. Well that's shitty

Course they can do what they want. But the relationships fucked.

Tell them no, you need the money for your mental health and your brother can’t keep being bailed out, he needs to own up to his mess and work his way out. If there’s always a safety net what will he learn??