To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

[MoMuM7]

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

either way, all the best and positivity

You are being willfully ignorant here.

This is not about money.

It is about how their children perceive how much the parents value and love them based on their (the parents) actions now and in the past. That really doesn't change when you become an adult. In the words of Larkin "They fuck you up, your mum and dad".

This is the parents' mess and they need to own it.

This is ludicrous.

So your sister got say 50k years ago. She has nothing left and will get no more.
Your brother for say 25k, spent it and has 25k to come. He won't ask for it because he wants to spend it later.
You have say 50k to come, want it all now but your brother wants it
When they die, the money from the house etc will go to charity.

So
Sorry Mom, I don't feel that's fair. I've waited until you'd planned to give us the money and now I feel like it's needed to keep our family upright
Dave still has 25k of his money which he could use to get back onto a job and earning. It isn't reasonable for him to have my money just to save his for later.
Obviously if you feel he also needs to inherit after your death, we'll respect that.

It's about simple old fashioned favouritism. The amounts involved are irrelevant. It's the proportions that matter.

I don't know why all these "you don't know the value of love" people are trying it on. Nobody is fooled. On the off chance that they are sincere, they are the ones showing themselves up as not understanding love. No, you don't give one child another child's share of the family pot, or try to emotionally blackmail them into pretending it's ok. Fuck's sake.

Wonder if your DB put pressure on your DPs to ask and they felt obligated to ask but hoping you say no. They have given you that option and that is the right one to take. No one knows what the future holds about you should take your share to secure your future and that of your children

No, it isn’t. If one child needs the money - for whatever reason - I could see that it would be tempting to give them more, especially when the other child is financially secure.

Absolutely tell them straight and say it's also about your children, which is their family also.its totally unreasonable for them to ask this to you or even contemplate it.

Of course you have a choice, just as your brother had a choice to cheat or not!!

It's a big, fat NO!!!

That is YOUR money. YOU need it and have been waiting for it!!!

Don't be a doormatt, OP.

Was it necessary to tag me in this, do you think? I don’t recognise your username.

That’s a fair comment. It’s just not always is black and white as it might seem.
I also completely disagree with giving one child more just because the perceived need is greater. I have two at uni who are being supported financially and one that isn’t. the one that isn’t will get an equal amount of support at a different time in their life.

Explain to them that you were really looking forward to the money for the reasons you've listed.

Add that for them to give your brother further financial support would not only be really unfair since he & your sister have received X amount already, it would also be colluding with his incredibly infantile, utterly selfish and completely egotistical stance on working for an employer.

They TOLD you that you don't have to agree. So putting your hard No to them in these terms is unlikely to upset them, as it's logical and fair.

Yes it is. If one child has planne don having the money I promised them - I could see that it is easy to be hurt as a child by a parent appearing to favour another sibling over you when I don't think they are more deserving.

Your move...

Why? Things change. You can’t look into the future and decide you’ll never need that money, and neither can they.

Just say no. It is not fair and not what was promised. In the future you may find yourself in a position where you need the money. In fact you were planning to use it now for additional maternity leave. You have to put your DC before your DB and anway ex-wife will take at least half of anything given to DB. If they go ahead and reduce your share anyway, let that responsibility lie directly with them. Do not pave the way for them and allow them to say later "We asked you and you were in agreement"

Angeldelight81,
At this time you are providing assistance to your children based upon their needs. You have no idea what the future may hold for any of these children. It is quite possible that the one not going to university may never experience any financial need. It is possible that they may all have ongoing financial need. One may have great need in the future, or God willing they may all be very successful and never need any assistance.

Wise people let circumstances and situations determine their behavior, and not some platitude about fairness. Caring parents want to see the needs of all of their children and grandchildren met. They would shift heaven and earth ( to the extent possible) not to have family members doing without needs .

Adults nurturing you like him or her more than me, may nerd therapy more than money. If I had no financial need and my brother's life seemed on a downward spiral for whatever reason, I would not blame or question my parents stepping in no matter what the cost was to those of us in better situations.

Do you think that the day will come when you think some commitment to an arbitrary notion of fairness will be more important than helping any of your children that you believe to be in significant need? Do you believe that any of your children have the right to dictate how you allocate your income and resources?

Agree with this.
Parents not being able/ willing to give their adult children money is one thing, parents saying they will give their children equal amounts and than changing their mind in favour of one child is another.
In my case, I won’t be inheriting much from my parents (if anything at all), but I love them no matter what. If they‘d behaved like OPs parents I would be annoyed though.
It‘s not about money, it’s about fairness.

Why not? Things do indeed change. You can't look into the future and decide you'll never need that money, and neither can they. So why make a long term promise and set an emotionally charged expectation like that and then follow it up by delivering on that promise early for some siblings and not others?

Say No

You're brother is a cheating freeloader who wants more handouts to allow his bum lifestyle

He isn't your problem

Like you say, he could get a job if he wanted. He chooses not to

Look after Number One

But it’s only emotionally charged if you really need the money. And OP doesn’t.

A lot of people have said it on her.

Say what you truly feel and think.

if that’s a struggle actually saying it write a letter to your parents expressing your views.

I cannot talk from personal experience at all about receiving inheritance and probably never will be able to, but I do know if one sibling gets a better Christmas present than the other sibling, it does grate a little.

Good luck

No he should get up of his ass and get a job there's plenty out there.

It seems though that this school of thought would not be the one that would make long term promises of equitable financial assistance to all children and then partially deliver on those promises early for some siblings but not others.

This is not OP's fault, this is her parents fault in creating such an expectation and allowing it to become so emotionally loaded both in the past and now by presenting one sibling with an apparent choice (so that the parents don't have to make it) to determine whether their needs are more than the needs of a sibling who has, by all accounts, got themselves into this situation and does not appear to be taking all opportunities to help themselves (i.e. quite debatable from their perspective).

This is the parents' mess and, if they genuinely feel that one child is more needy and deserving at this time they should be brave enough to make that decision by themselves and live with the consequences of not meeting the expectations they themselves have created and encouraged.