To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

[MoMuM7]

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

Say no. Just say no.

How so? It’s an absolute fact that money has never belonged to the OP.

So it’s definitely ridiculous to suggest she should be recompensed in any way for any inconvenience.

Same here. I was a for many years freelancer and now have been hired by a great company who I loved working with... they made me an offer I couldn't refuse

Agree you can say no and explain your plans. If they do eventually insist, obviously you’ll have to go with it. Time to start asserting yourself a bit- sounds like your siblings do! X

Leave it until tomorrow, so it looks like you’ve considered it properly, then say after thinking about it, you have made plans based on the promise of that money from them, and while you would be understanding to give up those plans if your parents couldn’t afford it anymore, it does feel more like you are being asked to give up your plans in order to help out your brother so he doesn’t have to get a job.

LaLuz7,
If the OP willingness to have a relationship with het parents is tied to how the distribute their resources to their adult children, she wants a transactional relationship rather than a familial relationship.

That says to her parents that she only wants to have a relationship if she gets to dictate how they allocate their resources. What has OP or her siblings done to earn the right to dictate how money that they have done absolutely nothing to earn should be allocated or distributed.

Would the OP expect her parents to tell her how to spend her income? Would she expect them to terminate their relationship with her if she did not allocate her resources in the way that they thought she should?

Other peoples money seems to be far too significant in this family. Maybe the parents function on a to each according to his or her needs belief. . They are allowed to function that way.

Just say no, nicely. Tell your parents how things are with you and ask for your money now... so that none of your siblings can take it from the pot. If you don't need to use it all, fine. Put it in a savings account. It's clear that no one will look out for your interests if you don't. And for all you know, your parents are being pressured by your sibling.

No, what it would say to her parents is that she acknowledged that they don't respect her or appreciate her as much as her brother and they are ready to ask her to sacrifice herself for his selfish whims.

It's absolutely OK to distance yourself from your parents if they are consistently unreasonable and unfair and clearly favour one child over the other.

If you take the view that parent's don't owe her anything then you must also accept that she doesn't owe them anything either.

Well I was a self-employed barrister for more than ten years and am now employed as a lawyer in the public sector.. I made a deliberate decision when on maternity leave to seek out a new role that would involve working fewer hours, albeit for less money, because I wanted a better work/life balance. It’s a very different experience being part of a large organisation, but I enjoy the job and (at the moment, anyway) appreciate the advantages of being employed as opposed to self-employed. I was offered the job after a competitive application process and was told by my now manager that they were delighted to receive my application. So I don’t buy the idea that you can’t be a successful- or desirable- employee once you’ve been self-employed. Plenty of people switch between employment and self-employment in various different sectors.

How petty. All over money.

Say no.

Just say no...

It could be over anything other than money. It wouldn't matter. It's the feeling of unfairness and ayumg favourites that cuts deep.

OP said there is a precedent of her being treated as the doormat of the family. This attitude obviously extends much further than this episode.

It's a very well established pattern in narcissistic families to have a golden child and a scapegoat. And it deeply deeply damaging and toxic.

*playing favourites

I’d say that yes you do mind, you’d like your share, but it’s theirs to choose what to do with. Put it back on them.

You’re almost 40 and crying over money that was promised as a gift and now may not materialise? Do get a grip. The exhaustion from back to back pregnancies was your choice. You certainly feel that your brother’s reasons for asking for money are frivolous but yours sound equally frivolous. And you were relying on this money because your husband doesn’t make enough. Why is he making babies that he can’t support? You’re not teenagers.

They’ve even said you don’t have to go along with this so why the tears? Tell them what you’ve posted here.

I think the family dynamic will be ruined if they give your brother the money that was promised to you anyway.

And OP- don’t overthink this. Just say no.

Only if you convince yourself that’s what it is. The brother is bad with money and has failed relationships. The OP has a successful relationship and savings from that relationship.

He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners.

Oh the misogyny on here!

the brother cheated on his wife. The wife was the wronged party.

the ex-wife hasn't taken him "to the cleaners", she just didn't want to put up with the lying cheating bastard, so divorced him.

Of course you have.

Your point is?

OP has specifically said that they treat him like a golden child who can do no wrong.

His failed relationship is him being a cheating bastard.

How is that in any way an argument for the parents to pity him and lobby on his behalf to OPs detriment?

LaLuz7,

Do you take the opinion that your parents owe you certain amounts of money? Are your feelings for them conditional upon how much of their money that they are willing to give to you?

What is the cost of love in your family?

I take the opinion that my parents owe me and my sibling equal treatment. If i were in OP's shoes I would feel horrible and it would make me reconsider their love and respect for me.

Good parents simply don't pull shit like this. They just don't.

If you can't treat your children equitably then I'd suggest you aren't that interested in sustaining a relationship with them.

But never mind as long as the Ops brother is protected from his own choices.