To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

[MoMuM7]

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

Don’t let them make your brother’s problems yours - i.e. don’t start talking about what he should do.
I would just state the following:

1. it was his choice to screw up his marriage, so morally you don’t want to give him money to make up for what he lost in the divorce
2. you have to be employed to earn money, so you don’t want to subsidize him so he doesn’t have to do the same
3. your sister is (rightly so) not expected to give him any of her share
4. you were counting on the money that they promised you

Bollocks. Lots of self employed people go back to employment. Some people can't hack working for themselves. Sometimes circumstances change. Sometimes, markets/industries change. Just look at the expansion of IR35 over the past few years - tens (if not hundreds of thousands) of people previously operating as personal service companies are now back on their "employers" payroll as staff. During covid, I lost a huge number of my small business clients - many had to give up their small businesses and get jobs, any job, mostly in supermarkets and doing deliveries.

Kp you are being pathetic now, throwing your hands up and woe is me.
You do have a choice you already said your other sister can't bare to be in the same room as him, so you are not going to be seen as failing to help a family member.
You have already said he has half his money to come but he wants yours instead because he will spend it. This way be can't spend it.
And as for your parents... they have said this in the hope you will fall into place and make their lives easier and they can blame you when they say no, thus side stepping the fall out and will take all the glory of you do. They have shown you what they think of you. The only choices you have are to realise the only person to blame if you don't get your money at this point is you... you can say no and deal with the fall out of your resentment and your sister is going to be pissed she got less than your brother as well.
If they then try guilt tripping you leave, walk away cut yourself off and then report your siblings to the tax office as I imagine these gifts are well over the tax threshold!
Sorry to be so blunt but you are in a drama triangle and you have labeled yourself victim.
40 is a great age to grow up and out of the allotted role your parents gave you and free yourself of this....remember you are already getting less than you siblings because of inflation and on that note your sister was the smartest taking it all at 21.

This isn't true, plenty of people switch between self-employment and employment. The idea that self-employed people have some magical knowledge that makes them dangerous on the workplace for senior management or owners of large businesses is laughable. I'm sorry but running a lone trader or similar operation is not at all the same as running a larger organisation. Even then I know plenty of people who are self-employed who are so dreadful at the business-side of their operations I don't know how they keep things running.

There really is no excuse for OP's brother not to be employed.

I’ll fix this for you. It isn’t true In your opinion, I’ve hired people into senior positions in organisations, who have been consultants and self-employed contractors, and it is never ever worked out. I wouldn’t make the same mistake again, and I would advise any of my clients to avoid them.

Good for you for planning to stand up for yourself. Your brother is a grown man and a father. He'll just have to suck it up and take whatever job he can get, even if it means working for someone else again until he can possibly find his feet and start a new business of his own. (Poor baby! 🙄)

Blimey, this is the parable of the prodigal son brought to life. Tell your parents you really need what you had been promised and golden balls can pull his finger out and get a job. What a cheek he has!

The idea of being made responsible for him would bother me more than the immediate money issue.

Of course it is my opinion, just as it was your opinion but you were the one making sweeping statements...

The fact is lots of people do it, despite your experience and advice. I've hired people too (lots) who have previously been self-employed. I've worked alongside people who been self-employed previously. I've worked for a director who was previously self-employed. I've worked and hired across private, public and higher ed sectors. You don't have a monopoly on experience. It is not "virtually impossible" to move from self-employment to employment despite what your opinion of that is.

Some work out and others don't, same with people who have never been self-employed really.

@MoMuM7 your brother is not your problem to solve and if they give him this money he will be back for more later.

So, say you want to take your equal share as previously planned. If they want to advance him more money that’s up to them but not out of your share. They can take it out of the charity money.

Don’t be bullied OP.

You people who say "first world problems"...! Is a problem only a problem if the person with the problem is also starving and homeless in the middle of a war and at risk of genocide?

I voted YABU simply because you said you feel you don't have a choice but to help. You have been asked - say no!

The idea that your brother would have your money so he can save his own (half that is left) is crackers.

It is only fair you get what you were promised - an equal share. You speak of a well earning husband, potential to earn well yourself and savings but none of us know what the future holds. If you or your husband became unwell and unable to work for example you could really need that money in time. If you don't need it you could save it for your kids uni/house deposit etc.

While having this conversation I would just ask for your money sooner rather than later so it's done. What if your parents became unwell or died - would you ever see your share?

I think he has assumed he would get help & is possibly over estimating how much cash your parents have. I think he is pushing for this. His children have got used to a nice lifestyle & now they need to down size. That's his fault for cheating, messing up his business & now refusing to work.

Just say no.

Sorry admin I've put this on here by mistake 😢

He needs to keep the second 50% of his money for himself and his children to use later. But don't you also need your part of the inheritance for your own child, the child that you are pregnant with right now? How are your parents justifying this strange devaluation of your child? As a mum, you need to stop worrying about your brother. He is a grown man! You have a responsibility to your child, so, when you sense you are losing your resolve to stand up for yourself, think about your child and your obligation to look out for him/her.

Suggest to your parents that charity begins at home. They have enough surplus money to fund their retirement, residential care and still have some left over for charity. It makes sense for parents to take a further slice of their charitable donation if they feel your brother deserves an extra share but if that's what your parents want they should do it, not ask you to forfeit your promised share. Going back on a promise to you is very bad form. If you do part with some of your lump sum, then your parents should amend their wills to make it up to you on their death instead of it all going to the charity (I support charaties btw) with extra for your inconvenience in having to wait.

If I don't agree to sharing with him, I'll most likely be seen to be unwilling to chip in to help a family member in distress which is awful, you see

Yeah, but you'll have your fair and rightful share, so who gives a shit?

Your sister isn't rolling over for any of this and why should she? Stop worrying about being the bad guy. It's just emotional blackmail and you won't be rewarded for sacrificing yourself.

He can use the remaining 50% of his money as his financial help. If he's told no it might be the kick he needs to actually get his life sorted out. Stop putting this in terms of yourself and ask why his children are more important then your own.
Having more breathing space is better for you and your children and he still has some money of his own so should not even be thinking about asking for yours and your parents have acted awfully by putting you in this situation at all.

OP you need to get angry. You SHOULD be angry about everything about this proposal.

Aye, I actually find this sort of shit so smug and patronising. You think someone in a poorer country doesn’t also have a spectrum of concerns, including family dynamics, division of family resources, and other things you deem trivial. It‘s reductive, only intended to trivialise what’s been talked about (ie has nothing to do with and no bearing on the - who? Non-first world people?), and first world is also a totally outdated and irrelevant term.

Yeah I get that’s not the point of what you were saying - you just wanted to roll your eyes at the OP.

Your brother cheated on his family. So he should get a job. You're 40 and freelancing in a badly paid hobby still. Your sister has hopefully cracked on successfully with her life.

Take your money and get your own life in order too finance wise would be my advice. Your cheated on sister in law is not the reason your brother's business failed

That’s ridiculous.

No, you're the one with the ridiculous view.

I'd take the money, he had his. What if you or your DH can't work in a couple of years time? Who will be bailing you out?

Put your children and family first- not your brothers!
Time to grow a spine and say no.