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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

812 replies

MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 11:18

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 26/12/2022 15:24

TonTonMacoute · 26/12/2022 15:12

He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

If nothing else will convince you to say no, this should do it! Why should you lose out because of his pride?

Exactly.

His attitude is shockingly entitled. Especially for some who's basically a failure.

cantsing · 26/12/2022 15:25

Say no

LaLuz7 · 26/12/2022 15:27

PetraBP · 26/12/2022 15:15

Wow.

First world problems.

Based on the information you have provided, I’ve calculated the exact amount that your parents owe you.

It’s £0.

Wow, what a disgusting lack of empathy in this comment.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/12/2022 15:32

touching my pot

Urgh. First and last time I ever want to hear that phrase.

So you do realise that as your parents age and may need care, that will come out of your pot.

There might not be anything left by the time they die, which is obviously what you are waiting for.

Maternity leave does not mean you are not responsible for earning your own living. How much does your DH contribute to your 'pot'?

2chocolateoranges · 26/12/2022 15:33

He needs to find a job, whether that’s working for someone else then so be it. He can’t exp3ct to have his share of the money aswell as yours.

tell your parents that you don’t wish to share as he could easily find a job to give him an income.

TheGirlWhoTamedTheDragon · 26/12/2022 15:35

The answer to this OP is "hell, no".

It's shocking they'd even ask you if this is ok.

SheenaShoemaker · 26/12/2022 15:36

Op, this happened to my brother in law, the parents gave him a big chunk up early and following this, he continued to leech off them till they passed. One sibling could see what was happening so started to ask for a bit here and bit there. My partner asked for nothing and got nothing in the end. Perhaps they are scared to step up to your brother but I think you need to make your voice heard if you want to see any penny of your inheritance.

Kennykenkencat · 26/12/2022 15:38

You describe your parents as generous and your family as tight knit.

I see this type of description used by people being abused.

He is a wonderful man

He is great with the children

He says he loves me

Usually followed by a description of someone who isn’t a wonderful man who is putting their children through trauma and doesn’t love their wife

Whilst your parents might have treated your siblings generously, where is that generosity when it come to you?

Remember what they say they will do are just words. Their actions so far speak volumes.

I think you are a tight knit family till it comes to actually giving you personally something that they promised.
It is a tight knit family when they want you do something.

Personally I think you are wasting your time. Your parents were never going to give you anything. The decision has already been made and they just want you to say yes just to go through the motions.

Interested to know what they say tonight when you say no.

Wonder if your other sister and your parents are going to put money on the table for your db or is it just coming from your share of your “inheritance”

I wouldn’t wait on any promises in future. You know what type of people they are.

XanaduKira · 26/12/2022 15:38

Tanith · 26/12/2022 14:14

What would your brother’s answer be if the situation was reversed?

Would he selflessly give up money promised to him because his parents decided his sister needed it more, smiling beatifically in the glow of his own virtue?

I have the oddest feeling that he would not!

Me too!

Good luck with the conversation Op - hope it's goes well and you get your point across.

IsItThough · 26/12/2022 15:38

PetraBP · 26/12/2022 15:15

Wow.

First world problems.

Based on the information you have provided, I’ve calculated the exact amount that your parents owe you.

It’s £0.

@PetraBP Except they have offered it. And, the OP has a need for it.

TheGirlWhoTamedTheDragon · 26/12/2022 15:38

And if he doesn't want to work for someone else he'd better find a way to start earning money himself again. What's his plan, early retirement?! 🤣

Angeldelight81 · 26/12/2022 15:39

There’s always one comments that your parents don’t owe you anything, but you know what the way I look at it is my children did not ask to be born. They were born for my vanity very little else - like every other child - so actually I have a massive responsibility to set them up as well as I possibly can when I’m not here to emotionally take care of them hopefully the money might be able to smooth the path of life a little bit for them.

Angeldelight81 · 26/12/2022 15:40

And actually, with regards to the comments about self-employment and going to work for other people, once you’ve been self employed for a certain amount of time, it’s actually virtually impossible to convince somebody else to employ you. They are well aware that you know how business works you’ve seen under the Bonnet. You know how most employees are getting absolutely shafted on a daily basis. Most business owners and corporate’s do not want those people in the business.

LadyEloise1 · 26/12/2022 15:46

@Angeldelight81 - that's a very good perspective well articulated.

TheGirlWhoTamedTheDragon · 26/12/2022 15:48

Doesn't sound like he's doing much to find ways to generate self-employment income, either. 🎻

dontputitthere · 26/12/2022 15:49

Angeldelight81 · 26/12/2022 15:40

And actually, with regards to the comments about self-employment and going to work for other people, once you’ve been self employed for a certain amount of time, it’s actually virtually impossible to convince somebody else to employ you. They are well aware that you know how business works you’ve seen under the Bonnet. You know how most employees are getting absolutely shafted on a daily basis. Most business owners and corporate’s do not want those people in the business.

I mean... that's one hell of a sweeping statement.

I've got about a dozen stories of friends that say the opposite.

I was freelance for years and got asked by one of my companies to come and work for them full time and have been an employee ever since.

So I think that should be taken with a pinch of salt. Obviously don't know the brothers line of work.

BabyFour2023 · 26/12/2022 15:50

MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 12:43

My parents have enough to last them into old age. I can't help but feel that they want to stop bailing my brother out and they are passing on their responsibility to me. If really wanted to help him without touching my pot, they could. They want to 'help out family'. My needs apparently don't matter because DH has a good job and we have savings.

I feel like an idiot for having expected their money and made plans for it. I'd promised myself id never depend on them. I feel even worse to be upset that I'm not receiving a gift. I was never entitled to it anyway.

So why aren’t you using your own savings to find your maternity leave?

Ayeaken · 26/12/2022 15:51

Your parents shouldn't even have asked you to forego your share, any of it. It's put you in an impossible position.

Your brother is in the situation he's his nt hus own doing (ruining his relationship my being unfaithful and refusing to get a job). That's his problem not yours. I'm all for helping my siblings but that's if they 'need' it, not if they can't be arsed to work and earn their own keep.

I'd tell your parents that it's their money and ultimately their decision how they spend it (put the decision back onto them) but tell them you'd be really hurt if they decided not to treat you all the same. It's the truth.

RudeElfTheRainDear · 26/12/2022 15:52

The more I read on here about inheritances the more I appreciated the fact that I have no expectation or hope of one.

I have, instead, been able to spend my entire life loving my parents simply based on the kind of people they are and not what £ they are worth.

It's a freedom.

WeepingSomnambulist · 26/12/2022 15:55

Dont kid yourself about their will. That is going to be changed so whatever is left will go to your brother.

Tell them how you feel but make sure you leave that conversation with them understanding that your answer is no, and now that you're 40, they can transfer the same amount your sister got to your account. Tell them that if he needs money then he can ask for the other half of his but you're not subsidising his lifestyle. Also make it clear that you've noticed that they have not approached your sister and asked for some of her money back, so they expect you to be the only one who misses out.

Honestly, make sure they full understand what they've done here.

Wakk · 26/12/2022 15:55

Your plan sounds good. Just be honest, you've made plans for your part and don't wish to change those as they are so necessary for your family.

kdramaqueen · 26/12/2022 15:56

Angeldelight81 · 26/12/2022 15:40

And actually, with regards to the comments about self-employment and going to work for other people, once you’ve been self employed for a certain amount of time, it’s actually virtually impossible to convince somebody else to employ you. They are well aware that you know how business works you’ve seen under the Bonnet. You know how most employees are getting absolutely shafted on a daily basis. Most business owners and corporate’s do not want those people in the business.

Sorry, but I don't necessarily agree with you on this, as it might depend on the industry.

My df had his own retail business and when he got older decided he wanted less stress so became an employee. Ds had a Ltd company but is now an employee after the market changed. No problems getting hired and now in line for a big promotion. His ownership experience helps.

WeepingSomnambulist · 26/12/2022 15:57

Angeldelight81 · 26/12/2022 15:40

And actually, with regards to the comments about self-employment and going to work for other people, once you’ve been self employed for a certain amount of time, it’s actually virtually impossible to convince somebody else to employ you. They are well aware that you know how business works you’ve seen under the Bonnet. You know how most employees are getting absolutely shafted on a daily basis. Most business owners and corporate’s do not want those people in the business.

This feels like it was written by someone with no experience of running anything or hiring.
It just isnt true, not in my experience of being a business owner and dealing with freelancers who very often go off to work for large companies after doing great work.

mrsbyers · 26/12/2022 15:58

Another consideration is that even if you’d received the same they have already had an advantage as factoring inflation in your share is worth less

Hoplesscynic · 26/12/2022 15:58

OP, you keep saying that your brother "needs help" and yet, he still has 50% of his own inheritance and the choice to get a job to cover his Bills. Giving him your money will not help him, it would just enable him to continue on the same destructive/selfish/lazy path. Chances are, once he spends your inheritance he will still be in the same position "asking for help".
Don't feel awkward saying No, my god if I was your brother I would be incredibly embarrassed to even raise such a suggestion! Your brother sounds selfish and spoiled, I bet he's used to your parents bailing him out lots throughout life. He's a grown adult who chooses not to sort his own problems, but take away from other people instead. That would be a firm No from me.