To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

[MoMuM7]

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

But equally, OP doesn't have to stay in contact with the parents and maintain a relationship with them.

If they are unfair and treat her as q doormat and lesser than the golden son, she can tell them to fuck right off.

This goes both ways.

What do you want to bet that as the established doormat of the family she will be the one who they expect to offer care in their old days? A story as old as time playing out in narcissistic toxic families.

She needs all the therapy she can get to unlearn this toxic people pleasing and prioritising everyone but herself. Poor OP. They've done a real number on her.

let us know how it goes OP

Your parents shouldn't have put you in this position. It's even worse if your brother is manipulating them in the background to access your allocation.

I wouldn't get into discussing your brother with them at all. I would remind them of their initial decision to split inheritance fairly and equitably. Tell them that what they are now suggesting is neither fair nor equitable and it is even more unfair to ask you to make the decision for them. I would tell them to make the decision themselves on how they wish to share their money and that you hope they will treat all their children equally. And I'd leave it at that....

Best of luck with your discussion. Not a nice situation.

Leaving unequal amounts because you can is a good way of damaging your kids' relationships with each other. Obviously if you are the type to enjoy playing favourites you would probably revel in the idea of causing upset though.
Op say you are planning on cheating and your dh is planning on taking you to the cleaners. 😉

Whether someone has committed adultery or the split is amicable the starting point is 50/50.
Judges want to leave each party regardless of what has happened with a roof over their heads and an income.
Your db didn’t get cleaned out by his exw the split would have seen him get enough to put a roof over his head and is quite capable of having an income. What he chooses to do from now on is his decision.

Sometimes you have to stop looking for answers in the bottom of a wine glass and just get over yourself.

I think he probably still sees himself as a big successful business man.
The reality is he is an unemployed divorcee with no income and no better than all the other unemployed divorcee with no money and no income down at the job centre.
He either needs a job or a new business (probably both)

His exwife who I presume has custody of their children will be making sure that she keeps a roof over their heads, heating and hot water and food in the cupboard and I probably doesn’t have an injection of cash from the rest of his “inheritance” and his sisters “inheritance”.

I couldn’t click either as I feel for you so much and you sound like you need the money but your poor parents too just trying to help everyone!! But yes, tell them. Talk! And hugs to you

I hope you can be honest with your parents as otherwise it may breed resentment. Your brother has made poor choices (not working). They are his choices and he should manage the consequences. If your parents feel sorry for him then they have a choice to give home money, but it ideally shouldn't impact you.

See this as a chance to choose a different future. Set the boundaries that you want for the future now.

The way they’re doing it us like saying he’s deserves the money more than you because he was irresponsible while you took care to provide for yourself. I’m sure they don’t actually think that but you could point out that this is how they’re behaving!

It sounds like their money is in the back of his mind as he lives his life. And who takes a three-year sabbatical funded by their patents then takes a further two years off work before asking for a top up again from parents. Why should he be rewarded for loafing about. Would he have gone the same if he didn’t have one eye on this money? And think he could just twist their arm for a bit more. He sounds completely irresponsible and self-absorbed. And lazy.

It is utterly bizarre that they would ask you to make this decision - make it - and somehow your brother, your responsibility. Not theirs, and not even his own.

I think you should tell them this, exactly this:

"I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning."

Tell them in no uncertain terms that your long and short term mental and physical health, and ability to care for and provide for their grandchildren is reliant on their support.

Agree with everyone else. Say no to your parents. Your brother needs to respect your decision.

Agree with others though you should focus on the initial promise and that splitting it equally is fair - not on how stupid your brother's behaviour is (will just invite debate and for them to defend him as only human, not to be punished for messing up, etc.)

He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

If nothing else will convince you to say no, this should do it! Why should you lose out because of his pride?

Your parents have been very unkind. They have put you in an impossible position and completely broken a parental code which us that you treat your children EQUALLY.

To do otherwise will create future splits in relationships which may well never be healed.

Now you are damned if you say no, damned if you sat yes.

I would be 100% honest about your current situation which sounds mentally unstable and explain that you were about to ask for yourself but now they’ve made you feel like you can’t.

But it is grossly unfair what they have done and they should be told this in a fair and sad way so they know what they have done.

Money is love. They cannot give more to your brother.

This happened to me. My DS’s husband asked to “borrow” my £100k from my Mum.

I said no.

Lesson to learn: take what is yours and stop being so selfless.

Your parents are also not taking into account the future you that you will be. Something very bad May befall you. (I hope it doesn’t). We just don’t know. It’s very unfair to use this snapshot in time, now, and say “that’s it then”.

You don't have to say yes. It sounds like you tend to present yourself to the world as someone who is very capable and independent and he presents as needing help.

As a parent of those two different personality types myself, I can tell you it is all too easy to get into the habit of looking out for the helpless needy one and assuming the other one is fine unless they say otherwise.

Tell your parents what you told us. Say you are on your nknees wiht exhaustion and worn down by the uncertain income of being self- employed. Tell them you never asked for money up front, and if you had, you'd have made a fortune on rising house prices, as your siblings did. But you honoured your parents original offer of money aged 40.

Tell them you feel your brother shouldn't benefit at your expense from having been unfaithful to his wife and that you don;t think it is rioght that you would end up less well off as a result of being patient and polite and waiting to do things on their terms while he has taken from them earlier, then behaved badly and expects you to lose out so he can be comfortable.

If you don't tell them, they can't know.

What a piss take, I would be furious and I would let my parents know.

Wow.

First world problems.

Based on the information you have provided, I’ve calculated the exact amount that your parents owe you.

It’s £0.

Don't agree to it you need it more than him he needs to get a job to earn a living.
Take the money for yourself and enjoy your maternity leave.

I suppose the way my parents treat me and brother is the bigger issue that needs addressing

You may well be right, OP, but good luck expecting that to change when they've got their "darling prince" in the other ear, polishing his principled family man act

It seems most of us agree it's the way this has been handled that's the issue, but while you can certainly say your piece it may be that in the end you'll have no choice but to accept their choices around their own money

@PetraBP

its about fairness though isn’t it?

I don’t owe my kids anything but when I choose to dish my money out it is EQUAL. Not too much of a difficult concept to comprehend.

Do your parents have enough to keep each of them in a decent care home for years should they need it? It sounds like they would be self-funding so that could easily be well in excess of £150k per annum. Speaking from experience with parent in 90's who was very independent until a year ago now in (happily) in care home at £75k a year, with house, savings & assets being whittled away.

You simply can't plan years and years ahead as the future is like a kaleidoscope, always changing.

Just tell them no. It is what it is. A similar thing has happened to a friend of mine and his share of his parents month as given to sister after she lost her house due to bankruptcy when her husbands business failed. He is talking to his parents and sister but barely, their relationship is fractured beyond repair. Don't let that happen to you.

Say no. Tell your db to get off his lazy arse and get a job like the rest of us with mh problems.
How would he manage if you had taken your inheritance already?

I'm going to sit them down this evening and tell them how I feel. I'm too old to be a people pleaser.

Very glad to read this OP. I hope it goes well.

I don't know what your parents were thinking even suggesting this.

Leaving varying amounts of money to children may have absolutely nothing to do with playing favorites. It may be a simple as looking at their needs and resources. It may be a simple as how you were feeling on a particular day.

There is no entitlement to any amount of inheritance. Well adjusted adults are grateful whenever they receive resources to which they had no entitlement. Immature and ungrateful adults complain when they get less of that which they had no entitlement.

My siblings and I would sincerely hope that my parents use every penny of their resources to bring them pleasure and enjoyment as they age, and we would expect to be sufficiently capable of providing for ourselves and our children without relying on our parents.

I would hope that when my parents pass that we are focused on grieving and not on an inheritance. My parents love all of us and that is what they should have done. Money is just another thing but it is not an indicator or measure of love.