To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

[MoMuM7]

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

Say no. Take the money and then cut ties with them, if they don't care about your feelings then once you've got the money there's no point engaging with them anymore.

I'm going to sit them down this evening and tell them how I feel. I'm too old to be a people pleaser.

Well done, OP. Sending you strength.

As the ex wife of an adulterer, your brother doesn't deserve to be bailed out. He has made poor choices, not you.

Agree that it's sad DB's life has got off track, and that you understand they want to help him.
Unfortunately you have planned and allocated your share to cover your maternity leave, so won't be able to help.

If you accept your share as planned, and there is ill feeling in the family that is their problem, the fault was not yours.

If you share yours, you will feel hurt overlooked and hard done by and it will be entirely your own doing.

Aren't you lovely.

We know nothing of the OPs choices, apart from that they leave her unable to afford the year off work that she wants.

I totally don't know whether to vote reasonable or unreasonable. I will say that a very similar thing happened to me (sibling to get a greater share because of alleged greater need) and DP said 'tell them to give him all your share and be done with it'. I said, 'You know, I think you're right!'. I did that and I felt like a huge weight was lifted from me. I was free! Since then I have saved a greater sum than my 'share' would have been, but family don't know about that.

OP is NOT "in her 40s", she is 39.

And it isn't that she "can't afford her own maternity leave without a handout", it's that she had planned to take 6 months of leave but on reflection could do with 12 months, and the early inheritance would cover the cost of the extra six months.

Stand firm op and say no.
if they start bringing your brother into it say he has already taken a proportion of his share. His circumstances are of his own doing.
As for not having a job because he doesn’t want to work for anybody else, dear me, wish we could all have this privilege.

If they’re still adamant about helping your brother, tell them to take out a loan or something.
That would be a shortcut to disinheritance from me.

I understand the logic of handing over money during their lifetime but what puzzles me is why 40?
The time when a helping hand is most useful is when you are in your 20s and possibly looking to buy a house. At 40 you most people start feeling better off.

We have done the same but DC got it in their early 20s and they each got exactly the same.

Just say no. He’s had half of his share so presumably still has a nest egg which is more than most people get in life.

Your parents probably assume you’re doing ok seeing as you’ve never asked for it, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t need it just that you were willing to wait. Tell them what you’ve told us, that freelancing isn’t easy and that you were looking forward to the security the money would bring. I think it’s terrible of your brother if he is in any way pressuring them.

Just say no. That’s it.

I'm going to sit them down this evening and tell them how I feel. I'm too old to be a people pleaser.

Hope that hat works out for you Op.

I'd also be thinking about taking a huge step back from them.

Please stand firm.

"I have plans for that money, I have waited until I'm 40 but for the last few years I've been hanging in to it. DB still has his 50% regardless"

Good for you and good luck!! If that goes ahead it will cause resentment for the rest of your life. Surely your parents wouldn't want that.

Wishing you all the strength to see through tonight

Agreed but db and dsis didn’t earn it, didn't save it, didn't inherit it, and didn't win it in the lottery.

They were given it.

If the sum of money was to be shared 3 ways when each sibling reached 40 years old then no one should have had anything until they reached 40. As soon as they started handing out money earlier then it should have been split between all of the siblings. A building society account should have been open in each of their names and the books kept with the parents. So the money was already passed on and everyone knew where they stood if they wanted any monies earlier

You have to treat each child the same regardless of how much or little they have made for themselves and let them make a decision after you have gone to how much or little they want to share with a sibling
Anything else is unfair

Yes the money is the parents and they can do exactly what they want with it which is why I would have wanted to take it immediately as people can change their minds and the rules and the money would have been better to be used to buy a bigger and nicer property with extra help. 19 years ago rather than sat in your parents bank account whilst you struggle.

Just wondering why you didn’t take it when you had the opportunity to.
I get the impression that you seem to attach some worth to struggling

Struggling and being proud of what you have achieved without the help isn’t something to be praised if you have got yourself into a position where you have damaged your physical and mental health and will now have to take at least a year out to get yourself better. When help was there in the form of cash to buy in help or to go p/t and not run yourself into the ground.

Write down what you are going say to them and stand firm, listen and nod as if you are concerned when your parents talk about your brother but do not waver. It might be painful for one evening but it will be for your long term benefit to not back down. Keep in mind what you've said on here as well as:

• You said you are the family doormat and you're now very aware of this, to the point you know you need the money for therapy. This is the first hurdle towards getting the help you need.
• Your brother may stand to gain short term with your inheritance but long term it may be to his detriment if he's out of work for too long etc. He's already mucked his life up, his mental health problems are a red herring, your mental health is worth the same as his and you need the money just as much.
• Your brother needs his 50% for his and his children's future. You need your inheritance for yours and your children's future. University fees, house deposits for them etc.

Sending strength 💪🏻

You shouldn't pay for your db mistakes.

Absolutely ask for your full share now so this doesn't happen again.

Write out your points before you meet them.

The idea that your feckless brother remains unemployed because working for someone after ownership of a business is unpalatable to him,..........that you should sacrifice your inheritance in these circumstances....... is utterly preposterous.

I mean this with the utmost kindness, but you need to be tougher with yourself and up your expectations of yourself.

Having children can throw up some very unexpected challenges.

You need to remind yourself that you really need to reframe this doormat narrative you have of yourself, as it really will be a massive disservice to both yourself and your future child.

Bad health, job loss, a child with challenges can and does happen in the blink of an eye.

How would you feel handing over this money, knowing it could have been a huge buffer to your new family?

Your brothers choice to fxxk up his marriage is NOTHING to do with you.

Stop allowing your parents to involve you and your family in your brother's decision to cheat on his wife AND his children.

HE has let his children down.
HE cheated on his children.

Do NOT allow your finances to be tangled with his.

Don't beg/implore your parents to understand you, that will serve NO purpose.

Spell out to them that you do not feel in any way obligated to be your brothers keeper.

His life choices are NOT yours to suck up.

If you can't do it for yourself do it for your unborn child.

Please no don’t agree to the request. You have been conditioned to be less than. The capable one. Your mental health is obviously on the floor to be feeling this way and by the ound of it, they’ve de prioritised you for years. Your children need a mum, who is well and robust. Your brother is not a prince. He’s a person. You have equal rights and he is no better than you.

Good luck, I hope it goes smoothly and without drama.

You have to treat each child the same regardless of how much or little they have made for themselves and let them make a decision after you have gone to how much or little they want to share with a sibling
Anything else is unfair
No you don't have to, it is your choice. Your children's opinions about fairness has no legal backing. So if one of your children is an entitled asshole, you are free to leave them only ten pounds if you choose. Your money, your choice, completely not your children's call.

uhOhOP,
The adult children's inability to distinguish between gifts and entitlements are what will screw up their relationships. If their feelings for each other are tied to money for which they never worked or did anything to each, then their relationship is already flawed and tainted.
If my parents were to give every penny that they have to one of my siblings , to a charlatan, or a beggar that they met on the street, it would not matter to me. They provided generously for me throughout my childhood, youth, and into early adulthood and for that I will always be grateful.

At this stage of life, my siblings are all adults and my parents owe us nothing. They should be free, with no explanation required, to dispose of their resources as they see fit even if that meant having a bonfire and burning all of it. They worked and earned those resources, not I nor any of my siblings did one thing to contribute. Why should any of us be annoyed if they changed their plans on a daily basis? Self sufficient adults do not plan their lives on expectations to which they have no real or legal entitlement.

One of the greatest gifts that a parent can give a child is to prepare that child to become an independent and self sufficient adult. Mature adults don't look forward to squabbling over resources to which they made no contributions and certainly not squabbling with siblings over those resources.