To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

[MoMuM7]

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

It's not hers until the money is in her hands. Meanwhile her parents can pretend to give her a choice but she has absolutely no power in this situation.

Your parents are being totally unreasonable and extremely unfair.
They say they’re giving you a choice to relieve themselves of the guilt.

Please stand up for your own family and say NO.
Tell then you need it and although you understand your brother has left himself high and dry, you’ve been patient and not asked for it in all that time but now you are struggling and need it.

If they’re still adamant about helping your brother, tell them to take out a loan or something.
Remember - your brother and sister were only thinking of themselves when they asked for theirs early, so now is the time for you to stay strong and have your money you’ve waited patiently for.

Dmil died earlier this year

Bil who moved in with her when we believe now she was starting to show signs of dementia and when we look at the date of her most recent will, he had only been living with her for a few weeks when her will changed cutting out Dh and dc.

Dh no longer speaks to his brother.

I am just sat there with a “I told you what he would do but you all thought he wasn’t like that.”

Given the circumstances that you have explained, I would absolutely say no! Your lazy arse brother needs to go and get a job, I don't see why your inheritance should be bankrolling his life.

What a fucked up scenario

Like others have said tell them no otherwise hes taking money to sit on his arse and directly depriving you and your children.

The OPs parents should never have promised them anything. It certainly has done the OP and her brother no favors

Exactly.

Very true, but we don't expect someone else to finance it.

I think you’d have to accept it. What else do you suggest people do?

You don’t need to accept it. You just say no.

I’d say you can’t decide what they do with their money and it’s up to them. As it is. They shouldn’t put you in the position of deciding. Explain what you intend to do with the money if you receive it as agreed.

I most certainly would not send melodramatic emails advising them I’ll have a breakdown if I need to work to pay for my own children or any of the other nonsense people have suggested. I really hope they are retaining enough to care for themselves and have a nice life into their old age.

You can say no all you like, it's still not your money and not under your control.

That doesn’t change anything though. They don’t need permission, they can do whatever they like with their own money.

What is “inheritance”?

I thought inheritance is - well - what you get when a parent/relative dies?

Otherwise what you’re describing is surely erm gifts/handouts from parents for adult and middle aged kids?

What is the point in promising money at 40 the just handing it out anyway?

Perhaps you'd like to reduce your mortgage & have a 3yr sabbatical?

Blimey. Sorry to have triggered you with ‘whiney nonsense’, I guess.

Just say no. They asked, you say no, it's all over with. I would explain that anything could happen between now and when they die. You could be separated and out of a job too. It wouldn't be fair to give more to your brother in fact why not ask for half of yours now?

Whatever their pot is earmarked for, the seven year rule will still apply. If they die within 7 years of gifting any money etc it will still have to be declared

Your DPs have asked your opinion on giving up your share and you are free to give your answer. Tell them no, and explain your reasons. I'm sure they will understand. If they don't, ask if they're going to ask for a clawback from dsis' share too, as it would be unfair otherwise.
You should also take your share now to prevent this happening again in future.
Your brother would be a dick if he accepted extra money while knowing it required his sibling/s getting less.

Thanks!

We’re all different how we’d approach it, eh? But clear majority says ‘Speak up, OP’ even if we don’t agree on how to say it.

Thank you all for your comments. It's obvious I need to be more honest with my family regardless of the 'inheritance' issues. Ours is a tight-knit but complex family. I never meant for this post to be a debate about inheritance. Everyone is entitled to their opinion as far as that's concerned.

I suppose the way my parents treat me and brother is the bigger issue that needs addressing.

I'm going to sit them down this evening and tell them how I feel. I'm too old to be a people pleaser.

You HAVE to be honest and tell them exactly how you feel. You have to. Look after yourself and make the most of your maternity leave. Tell them honestly and frankly.

I am curious about the parents in this scenario. Are they:
So tired of the whole bickering childish financially irresponsible lot of their offspring that they wish they would all go no contact
Or
Having a great time stirring the pot and laughing their arses off at how easily you are played when a bit of money is waved in the air.

What would your brother’s answer be if the situation was reversed?

Would he selflessly give up money promised to him because his parents decided his sister needed it more, smiling beatifically in the glow of his own virtue?

I have the oddest feeling that he would not!

Late to this, sorry but stand your ground (I'm tempted to say ask for your share now). This will not be the last time he'll ask for more of your money if he gets his way. Mum had a brother who behaved similarly (though not exactly the same) and he was never done until he'd drained their Mum for all he could.

Just don’t say yes. It really is as simple as that. Any issues that come with that you can discuss in therapy. Your parents made a commitment to you and your siblings. Your brother is not your responsibility. Your parents haven’t said they will reduce your inheritance they have told you that you can say no so please say no.