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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

812 replies

MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 11:18

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

OP posts:
ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 26/12/2022 13:42

I thought no squirrels sounded absolute fine? .
Where is victims blaming in there? Tells it like it is!

I can't see it's some big whine?

Wayk · 26/12/2022 13:43

Please have a calm conversation with your parents and explain that you need to take an additional year off. Basically tell them what you told us. Your brother needs tough love.

Flipthefrugal · 26/12/2022 13:44

PortiasBiscuit · 26/12/2022 11:29

Surely there is no such thing as an inheritance until someone is actually dead. Never understand why anyone has any expectation of anyone else’s money.

I don't think the Op had expectations, other than what her DP promised her.
Often it's a way to manipulate within the family.

GirlOfTudor · 26/12/2022 13:45

Good grief. Crying ever since?! For money?! There are more serious things happening in the world right now.

Both yours and your brother's situations are self-made. He chose to cheat, break up his marriage, not to get a job, etc. You chose to have your children and when to have them, you chose to do it perhaps without the financial security of a maternity leave longer than 6 months, not to request this : inheritance' earlier.

I wish I had that kind of problem.

Coyoacan · 26/12/2022 13:47

@Pumperthepumper
Have you not seen this. It is very human. A friend of mine always assumed that she wouldn't have to worry about her old age, because her parents would leave her a significant whack. But when the time came, her brother ran off with the inheritance and she was left destitute.

That is just one example.

themanwho · 26/12/2022 13:47

I understand parents asking, but If you don’t think it’s fair to share it say no.

You might decide to give him some of your money to him in the future if he needs it

If you say yes it sounds like you’ll resent your parents and your brother. Which sounds like a horrible place to be

best be honest

to be fair to your brother he might not even want them to do it

Bananarama21 · 26/12/2022 13:47

Bizarre asking for an early inheritance so you all can take time out of work your brother included. I could understand a house purchase but it's odd to use it not to work. What happens when they eventful die?

Liorae · 26/12/2022 13:48

Coyoacan · 26/12/2022 13:32

To the people criticising the OP for expecting a "hand-out", it is different if you have never been led to expect something, but it is really disastrous for people who have had good reason to expect something and then it doesn't materialise.

The OPs parents should never have promised them anything. It certainly has done the OP and her brother no favors. One has the hand held out for more, the other is in her 40s and can't afford her own maternity leave without a handout. Without the "inheritance" dangled in front of them I bet both would have made more responsible choices.

Reindeersnooker · 26/12/2022 13:48

Don't say yes.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 26/12/2022 13:48

I would be hurt and disappointed. They sound very manipulative and biased in favour of your brother.

I'd withdraw from contact if they do this, and tell them why.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/12/2022 13:49

Do people normally get inheritance before someone dies? Is this a financial planning thing?

It can be, @Autumnisclose In the case of a large estate (and it sounds as if this is) it's a way of reducing the pot so there's less left to pay IHT on, but it gets complicated if gthe parents die within 7 years of making large gifts, if they need care and are seen to have deprived themselves of assets, etc.

As OP has made clear herself none of the siblings are actually entitled to this money, but it's the way it's being dealt with which can breed resentment - though whether the DPs will care about this so long as the brother gets his way is anyone's guess

And again, for those saying "DB can use his remaining 50%", who says that's still available and that he's not spent the lot and is now back for more?

Calibrachoa · 26/12/2022 13:49

Mumteedum · 26/12/2022 11:21

Don't say yes. Stand up for yourself. Explain how you feel. Women are conditioned to 'be nice'. Your brother will have to deal with consequences of his actions. Your parents have said you can say no, so please say no. It is not unreasonable.

Agree with this

Pumperthepumper · 26/12/2022 13:49

Coyoacan · 26/12/2022 13:47

@Pumperthepumper
Have you not seen this. It is very human. A friend of mine always assumed that she wouldn't have to worry about her old age, because her parents would leave her a significant whack. But when the time came, her brother ran off with the inheritance and she was left destitute.

That is just one example.

How is that any worse than someone else who is destitute?

Crucible · 26/12/2022 13:50

Say NO.

dottiedodah · 26/12/2022 13:51

I would just say to them "Look Mum and Dad ,I would rather not do this ,and explain your reasoning .Its rather unfair of them to put you in this position .However is often the case that the more responsible child gets overlooked.I feel you are equally entitled and need to say so .Obv no one should expect an inheritance ,but most people would be pissed off at this.We have had money left to us and it only seems on MN that people shouldnt expect it .Most of our friends and relatives have been left cash too!

Fairyliz · 26/12/2022 13:51

rwalker · 26/12/2022 11:22

Nah just say no
Tbh shitty thing for your parents to do

Gosh yes what shitty parents giving all three children considerable handouts 🙄

I wonder if they would adopt me.

BadNomad · 26/12/2022 13:51

It is not your money until it is in your possession. There might be nothing left by the time you want or need it. Ask for it now.

Emotionalsupportviper · 26/12/2022 13:52

I would be happy to help my brother too but it's difficult to do here as a job would resolve all his financial issues. I, on the other hand, would be feel like I would be crushed if I returned to work.

tell your parents this.

That you are totally mentally and physically exhausted and need the time off with your children to recover - and that if you don't the likelihood is that you will have breakdown and be unable to return to work at all.

Remind them that your brother could swallow his pride, even if only for a year or two, and get a job, and that will give him time to reassess what he wants to do and to look at ways of restarting his business (as well as giving him a bit of dignity - he's an adult man for heaven's sake!).

His behaviour isn't your responsibility.

Calibrachoa · 26/12/2022 13:52

The "he needs it more" thing doesn't work as circumstances can change at any time due to illness, disability, a death, job loss, promotion, lottery win, business going under/thriving, a remarriage to a rich person etc

Poppyblush · 26/12/2022 13:54

He’s still got his 50% to come…. Wtf! Say no! Tell them how you feel. Yanbu!

Calibrachoa · 26/12/2022 13:54

Forgot to mention marriage break down

mrsbyers · 26/12/2022 13:55

Say No ! I had a similar situation and made it clear I was not happy

ElegantlyTouched · 26/12/2022 13:56

I would email them so that they can't interrupt what you are trying to say. Start by saying you are very sad they have put you in this situation and never thought they would consider treating you, and your children, so unfairly. Tell them that you would like this money now, that unlike your siblings you have waited the time they stated and it is most unfair you are being punished for sticking to the rules. Remind them that your brother has only received half his money and that when that runs out you'll consider helping him out to the same extent your parents and sister do. That way they can't blame you for not helping family but it's not your burden.

Once you have your money consider going low contact with them. They have shown you your place in the family but you do not have to accept. And whatever they say this position won't change. I wish I had stood up to my mother years ago instead of assuming she'd one day treat me on a parity to my sister. Don't make the mistake I did.

Emotionalsupportviper · 26/12/2022 13:56

the other is in her 40s and can't afford her own maternity leave without a handout.

A very harsh judgement and a very nasty comment, @Liorae - not many of us can take a year out just like that, no matter what our financial circumstances.

Lilavanblue · 26/12/2022 13:57

uhOhOP · 26/12/2022 13:40

...And then spend the next 35 years resenting siblings and parents. Potentially. No, the parents said they'd do something for their children, treat them equally, so now they have to do just that, or else they will cause big problems in the family. It's not the job of parents to intentionally fuck up their family, their children.

Show quote history

Agree with this. The people who are telling OP „what’s the problem, it’s not your money anyway“ - would you genuinely just accept it if your parents promised you something and later changed their mind in favour of your sibling (who‘d messed up)?
Maybe you would, but I can fully understand how many people would feel disappointed and even resentful in a situation like this. Sister got her promised share, brother got his - but OP shouldn’t expect the same? And that wouldn’t create issues within the family?