To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

[MoMuM7]

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

OP, I am 100% on your side and so I implore you - please, please, please do not use the above drivel as it’s the sort of whiny nonsense which has provoked the “victim-blamer” in me. 😉 seriously! It’s so passive-aggressive it’s made me want to send your brother a big cheque to spunk on Nando’s and Betfair.

There have been some super suggestions along the lines of “No, that’s not going to work for me.”

Sprinkle your emotions upon your therapist- not those who can toss them back in your face.

That is not the only reason. It's also not the OPs money because she didn't earn it, didn't save it, didn't inherit it, and didn't win it in the lottery. It's not her money. End of.

Billy 1966 has it spot on. It’s about fairness.

OP, I think you need to get yourself out of these toxic family ties. It all sounds quite messy. Not only have you let yourself become dependent on the idea of receiving this money, but it is noticeable that the relationships between all parties are strained, and at least two of the 'children' in the family (you and your brother) feel unable to work, for whatever reason. I mean this kindly, but it sounds like there is a lot of dependancy and victim mentality going on that have been created by this situation.

Besides if I were to go back to work, I'd make so much money so quickly since I'm the little hard worker.

I know you are being tongue-in-cheek here, but is it true that you have good earning potential? If so, and you and your DH have also built a solid financial base for yourselves, then that independence is more valuable than any amount that someone else can give you. Your work ethic and the career you have forged are far more valuable as long term assets than any handout could ever be.

As far as your parents are concerned, tell them - clearly, and without upset - what your view of this is. Stand up for yourself. But then leave the decision to them. Don't take on responsibility for your brother, and don't let this become a family feud. None of those things will benefit you. Continue to do your best for your own family, and if any money comes your way, see it as the bonus that it is but don't allow it to come with emotional baggage or to create feelings of dependancy.

Just say no

2 of them for just 5 years is over £1million minimum

Two for five years is highly unlikely. The median length of stay is 20 months.

You and your siblings are all the same. You have all planned some aspect of your lives depending upon a handout from your parents. You feel superior to your siblings because you waited until age 40 for your handout.

Call it inheritance gift, bailout, or handout, none of it waz money that any of you worked to earn. All of this money comes from labor, investments, and resources that belonged to your parents. None of it represents an entitlement .Your parents circumstances could have changed at any point in the past 20 years and they themselves could have needed the money.

I would tell my parents that the money is theirs to do what they will. I would have no expectations and would live my life relying on the resources that I and my spouse generate.

I would be pleased that they thought of us and grateful to still have time with my parents. I would not judge the life decisions made by my siblings. I would just be grateful that I have been able to drive my own ship without financial re!since on others.

Your parents are asking either because they want your blessing to do what they feel that they should do, or they want to say no but want you to be the culprit. I would simply tell them that the money is and wax always theirs, and they are free to do what they will

Omg don't say yes.
I'm amazed they had the cheek to ask you!
Say you are shattered body and soul and was counting on it

Your brother has made his life choices and is suffering the consequences of them. Those consequences shouldn't be visited upon you or you family. He continues to make shit choices. Why should you lose out because he cheats and refuses to get a job? They shouldn't be enabling him. The certainly shouldn't be doing it with money they have promised you.

To the people criticising the OP for expecting a "hand-out", it is different if you have never been led to expect something, but it is really disastrous for people who have had good reason to expect something and then it doesn't materialise.

Just say no. You should all have the same. It would be better your parents gave all 3 of you exactly the same now - eg you sister alread had her "share" and your brother has had half. So your parents could now give you the sameas your sister had and your brother his remaining half. Then in due course although each of you will then had had the same as each otehr if the parents want to leave you all more and equally when they die they can do so.

Also when you each get it is material eg if the parents do not survive 7 days and one of you got the money later inheritance tax issues may arise. If one of you had it 20 years before the other inflation starts to be relevant etc etc.

Wish I'd been tougher when my mum was writing her will. I, out of kindness, said she should eave a quarter to toxic bitch of sister. She wanted to leave her nothing. TBOS had nothing more to do with mum for 4 years previously until the day she was taken ill, when TBOS visited twice, leaving me to deal with everything before during and after mum's death. I should have been harder, which you now need to be

I am a believer in helping adult children with money whilst you are still alive if possible. So long as you will not be left with insufficient funds for yourself.

I am fortunate enough to have the money to help my adult DD and DS now. Sadly this is due to my late dear husband leaving me with more than I need. I have therefore been able to give them both enough for a deposit on a house each. (Equal amounts).
My DS has had a second sum to help him pay off his Help To Buy loan. (DD was able to buy a cheaper property so did not need a HTB loan).
Both my DD and DS are aware that when I die my DD will receive more than DS from my estate; to reflect the additional sum DS has already received. I enjoy knowing that neither of them are struggling financially and would not change anything I have done.

Like the OP I also have a DB who is very poor with life choices and managing his money. He has 3 failed marriages behind him and is still renting in his sixties. Our DF died a few years ago and I gave my share of the inheritance to my DB as he needed it more than me. He was going to use it to help him buy a home. But he didn't do that. Now he is too old to get a mortgage so has no hope of buying now. He asked me for a loan recently in the hope of buying a house but I refused.

Why is it?

I hope you do take on board what @billy1966 said because at the moment all I’m seeing is done ridiculous manipulative drama where your parent’s paint themselves as victims and you’re the martyr. It’s a ridiculous situation where you all seem to have money to burn; do I read this right you have your own family to look after but are placing your needs to continue the mum and dad drama above their needs? I’ve got no sympathy for you OP.

They don't want to help family out. They want YOU to help family out. They are making a decision on your behalf.

Give them back the decision. It's their money. Get them to decide where it's going and to own everything that comes with that decision. They can give your brother more and that means they either give you less and don't treat their children fairly or they go into their other pot of money.

By the way the other person who really should learn about the consequences of their decisions is your brother and this isn't helping him to do that.

You need to firmly say no. He cheated so tough shit.

Your parents have you a choice so choose NO. Tell your parents you don't think it is fair. Your brother had his share now you want maternity and to stay home with baby for a year and sort out your mental health and well being. Your brother chooses not to work.

Say no, because anything can happen between now and when they go.

Your DB could have won the lottery, you could have suffered ill health, either of you could have lost everything and gone bankrupt. You might to all the caring while DB does none.

I was the poorer sibling, and I did all the care for the last 5 years but I didn't expect more than half the inheritance.

It's not reduced until you agree to it. Your obviously not in the position to agree to it so don't.

What a weird scenario. But anyway, you don’t have to agree, and imo, shouldn’t. Your brother needs to start taking responsibility for his life choices and your parents are quite wrong to make you feel like you should bail him out. Tell them honestly how it makes you feel.

As others said you need to be honest and say no you aren’t happy

sister got her share

brother got his half and still has 50% left

and you have had nothing

all 3 should be treated the same

how much are we talking about @MoMuM7

you need to tell parents that you need it as feeling the strain and planned children around knowing you could take a few years off and enjoy being with them due to know you would get your share at 40

i do find it weird that they will give rest to charity

if they want to help brother that much they can use their house once sold and die (sorry)

and yes if brother gets yours the ex wife will be able to claim it

your sister wouldn’t help him

...And then spend the next 35 years resenting siblings and parents. Potentially. No, the parents said they'd do something for their children, treat them equally, so now they have to do just that, or else they will cause big problems in the family. It's not the job of parents to intentionally fuck up their family, their children.

YANBU. He doesn’t need it. Say no and don’t feel bad.

Your brother is a jerk and your parents are very naive for putting cushion under his cheating butt when he falls.