To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

[MoMuM7]

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

But why should she? Her brother got a presumably substantial sum from her parents years ago (and so did her sister) - why should OP just agree to give up part of her fair share?

It's not really about being privileged, it's about fairness within the family and ongoing relationships as a result. The brother is potentially getting a huge sum of money that the sister isn't getting. That's bound to cause resentment.

Good mental health as a result of good parenting is probably more useful than money in terms of privilege anyway...

Surely your brother has his other half of the “inheritance” and if he put any of his first half towards buying a house with his wife or into a business then it should have been ringfenced in the divorce or the company failure.

If he started one business he can start another. My family have been devastated by lockdowns. We have all had to start again.

If a woman in her 60s with an O level in Maths who hasn’t had a f/t job since 1987,
2 adult children with SENs, arthritis, ADHD and depression and with a terminally ill Dh who put us in this position can start again and make things work then I am damn sure your db can.

Was the amount set in stone 24 years ago or has it been adjusted for inflation because even £20,000 24 years ago is a lot more now and if it wasn’t going to be adjusted for inflation then why didn’t you take it like your sister and brother did.

Your db is in a flat on his own for the most part of the week. He needs to see it as a challenge to claw his way back and having the freedom to work without other people in the way

I understand that he needs a job but I also understand his feelings about going back into f/t employment and having someone tell you what to do.
I did a range of freelance agency work during the lockdowns and after doing all sorts of stuff. I was still self employed and could pick and choose if I worked. Whilst establishing another business.
Going back to work doesn’t have to be 40 hours per week every week with a boss for the rest of your life.

Don’t be the martyr in this situation and say tell your parents no.

Point out that you want what you were promised because of your failing health and turn the tables and ask if your db might give you some if his remaining “inheritance” as you need it more than he does and he has already benefitted from a good chunk of it.

Just as a thought.

Are you sure that your parents actually have the money. It seems strange that they told you all to wait till 40 as given their ages there could be a possibility of them needing to go into care or even dying and if they have given away everything then those who have had the money in the previous few years might have to pay it back for care home fees or in inheritance tax

Did your parents get financial advice about this as it seems to have so many pitfalls if the whole thing isn’t drawn up correctly.

Who inherits the rest of their stuff if their children aren’t getting anything on their death.
Your sister who took the lot is the only one who is immune to what might happen.

Does your brother know that this will reduce your %?
Has he asked for it or are your parents assuming
All of that aside, of course you say no. Have a cry about it by all means but you have got to stand up for yourself.
Also consider that the inheritance will enhance your children’s lives and no doubt elements will be passed into them.

Because that’s not her money. It’s her parents.

I think "most of us" don't have well-off parents who have enough money to give/promise each of three children what must be a decent sum of money AND still have savings to spend on their own future care. But OP does, and that's what we're talking about. I think OP has only shown concern about her parents doing what they said they would do, and doing what is actually fair.

She doesn't want to be the "family doormat" anymore, and rightly so! If that means accepting the money that was meant for her, whether or not she desperately needs it, so be it. If she allows her parents to renege on their decision to treat their children equally, it will likely cause the same kinds of problems as if she stands up for herself, anyway, so she might just as well go for the money and make her life a bit more financially comfortable in the process.

Some people have more money than others, and that's fine. Many of the replies on this thread seem to have a problem with that, though, even though OP is showing understanding for her brother's situation and the fact that the money is her parents' to do with what they want, ultimately. As one previous poster suggested of herself, maybe there is a slight bitterness coming out in these replies. Also, I doubt OP will spend a year only attending therapy, but so what if she were to, if that's what she feels she needs to do to feel more like herself again?

Agree 100% with billy1966

You never know what they future holds. I'd take all of your 100% now and put it away safely in some very stable investment.

Your parents are clearly cashed up. They can dip into their pot if they want to help your CF brother and he can take his other 50%. And yes, he is a lazy entitled CF who thinks everyone owes him something and he doesn't have to work.

When you say no and ask for your 100% now, think of your DC and DH. What if something terrible happened in the future and you really need that money! Think of that! That's putting your family first over the whims and many mistakes of your CF brother.
Have your DH support you on this.

I bet you and your siblings will have quite the cat's bum faces when that happens!

But why did the other two siblings get money when they asked for it? As a previous poster said it’s about fairness within the family and I fully agree with it.

You would be unreasonable to agree to your brother getting more.
Your sister has had the whole of her lump sum. If your brother gets more now, as previous posters have pointed out, his wife would have a claim on it. Far better for him to receive nothing more until after his divorce settlement is completed.
Then he could have the remaining half of his lump sum.
You should request the whole of your promised lump sum now. You can then use that money to help you now.

OP talk to your therapist about how you plan to tell your DPs that you do not agree. It might be a good idea to put it in writing?
Your parents may be relieved that you are taking the matter out of their hands because their original decision was to treat you all equally.
Your brother wants to save “his” money for his future but what about the future of you and your DC?
Odds are DB will squander the money and end up in the same position wanting a bailout. It is basically yourDP’s fault your brother has developed this character flaw of expecting to be spoonfed every step of his life.
To be the best you can be for your DC you need to recuperate and feel strong and able to face the future and allowing your Bro to scuttle your plans will not help.
Tell your parents you have every sympathy for your Bro but he needs to get a job and improve his situation himself just as you have and your parents have. Your Bro doesn’t have to arrange and pay for childcare etc as you and your DM had to.
Your DM had to work hard etc but I bet she looked forward to the time she could take a break — get her to identify with your situation and do not see yourself as being weak and unable to cope. I bet your Bro is actually having an easy life not working (what does he do all day?) and getting tea and sympathy and small handouts from your DPs
Stay Strong!

Because their parents gave them it.

I agree it’s unfair to give loads of money to some children and not the others. But regardless, it’s not the OP’s money and she’d be mad to rely on it, instead of using her own savings.

And I think she’s actually fortunate that they asked her at all. It’s their money and they can do what they like with it.

Say no

Say absolutely not and that it will destroy the relationship with your brother - and it will trust me I've watch this happen many times over. It's very important that parents treat children fairly.

The only reason that it's not her money is that she was fair and responsible and stuck to the agreement. Unlike her siblings who asked for it ahead of the timeline agreed. Had she been cheeky like them, she could have gotten the money and spent them ages ago.

This is not about entitlement, this is about fairness.

No it’s not - it’s not her money, and it never was. It belongs to her parents.

I hope one day you find yourself of the wrong end of such unfairness and maybe then you'll grasp the concept.

Also your brother needs to stop being a d!ck and get a job, not wanting to work for anyone else is not a good enough excuse, we all have to get on with it. Is he doing it so he doesn't have to pay maintenance?

I don’t know what you mean by that.

I agree. So he has his other 50%.

They have a pot for their care that will last them well into old age. Thankfully we don't have to worry about that

Your parents must be loaded. Do they know the cost if care?

Dmil was paying £2000 per week. (And that was for a medium range 3star type)

2 of them for just 5 years is over £1million minimum.

Your parents can leave whatever they want to whoever they please, however…

As has already been pointed out your parents’ money isn’t an inheritance, its a gift that they seem to enjoy using to manipulate you and your siblings. Spending years talking about which child gets what, giving these huge handouts while they are still alive and now playing you off against each other is imo, a vile thing to do.

It is what it is though, so in your shoes I’d be angry. I’d take what was promised to me in the first place if that is an option. If there’s emotional blackmail involved at any stage I would then go LC.

Families 🙄

The whole set up is bizarre. Your parents should never have said at 21 you’d be getting money at 40 and once your siblings starting taking it out in their 20s it should have just been equalised then. I’m curious about the inflation point too. My parents gave me and my siblings money for our weddings and inflation adjusted the amount from the first one so it was equal.

If you had the option of £25k 20 years ago would it still be £25 now? If so your sister was absolutely the smart one. Hold firm and say you do not want to bail your brother out especially when he still has his 50%.