To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

[MoMuM7]

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

How old are your parents OP? Are they in good health? I only ask because if they hand over a big lump sum to your DB and they die within the next 7 years he is going to be liable for a hefty whack of inheritance tax on that lump sum.

Also what are the plans if they need care in old age? Will there be money left to pay for that (you say they want to hand it all over before they die, if the local council decide it looks like deliberate deprivation of assets they can come after some of the money that has been given away), or are they (as I suspect) expecting you to provide the care as the, as you described yourself, family doormat?

I think this is the best way to look at it. It’s not your money, and they didn’t even have to ask for your permission.

I’d write it off and think about what you can do yourself to change your circumstances.

He needs financial help, that is certain. I just don't think it should come out of 'my' pot.

OMG take your share, take your share!

if feckless brother is skimt in the future you can lend or gove him some. But PLEASE take your money. ……. But never mention lending any to anyone.

I agree. The privilege in this thread is astounding. Most of us are knackered when we work and have children. Unless our dp or dh earn enough to support us, we just have to get on with it. Needing a year or so off to pursue therapy just seems crazy. If you do get the money I suspect in a few years you will wish you had used at least some of it on something more tangible such as paying off some of your mortgage.

And I imagine if you say no, you will get your inheritance and they will magically decide to use their own money pot to help him.
Win win

He's not in "distress" he's hardly destitute and living on the streets is he.

He's a fully grown man who's throwing a temper tantrum about having to work for someone else for a bit whilst he re-builds his ability to be self employed.

Life's like that sometimes, I'm sure many people would like to "be their own boss indefinitely" but that's not how life works out for the majority.

Definitely don't give in to him getting your share. He got money before, he cheated so has to now deal with the consequences. Interesting how your brother and sister chose to take money early but you didn't. I wonder what your sister would say if they asked her to give your brother some of HER money??
I've always thought there are givers and takers in life, there are ones who are happy to take what they can but not give much back.
It is true it's your parents money and they can do what they want but the other two have had money and it's only fair you get some too. I wouldn't be happy if this happened in my family with my siblings and myself. Stay strong OP, I had 2 children under the age of two and know how exhausting and stressful it is. If the money makes your like a bit easier then definitely take it. 🌷

Why don’t you use your own savings?

Dear Mum and Dad

I have thought about what you proposed yesterday about giving up my share of my inheritance to go to Brother instead.

I understand why you’ve asked, and I know you worry about Brother financially more than me and my DH.

I don’t feel like I can agree to the plan though. You are asking that me and my family get nothing from you both, whilst Sister has had £X,000 and Brother will eventually get £X,000+50%. It feels extremely unfair.

It’s up to you, but I wanted to be honest.

Why should you literally pay for your brother's pride?? That's the only thing you should tell your parents to justify a flat no. And add that a little humility has never hurt anyone.

They have a pot for their care that will last them well into old age. Thankfully we don't have to worry about that.

Basically, when they sold their business, they put aside money for us and a healthy retiment fund. If they run out of money, their house will be sold to pay for their care but that's unlikely to happen. When they die, everything they leave behind will be sold and given to charity. That's in their will.

How much do you stand to receive, and how much are they suggesting they give him?

Your brother’s wife did not take him to the cleaners. She got what she was legally due in a divorce.

I agree I would explain your plan for the money and say it is to benefit their grandchildren for you to be at home with them longer . I also would stand up for your self and say it’s only fair that you have what they offered , not what you asked for but what they offered and your brother should take his other 50 % now and then he has time to save up for his future later .

Say you disagree with it, but it’s their money to spend and their decision to make!

Even though your brother has had some misfortune, as you’ve found out recently, your health might not always be in peak condition and you might not always be able to earn as much- and you have kids too. that would be the reason if they asked me about it, if I was in your situation.

Another one who says that you should just say no. Plenty of good examples above of wording/rationale you can use.

You need to tell them ASAP (today) - the less time this situation (and expectation that you might agree) goes on for, the better. Also, be firm- don't leave even a chink of 'maybe'. Polite decline their request - but you have needs too and your mental health is relying on the money.

You are already upset that your parents have put you in this position- too late to change that. You can be upst with the money or upset without the money. I'd choose the first option (and thank them nicely for their generosity).

Enjoy your year off work.

This.

Spell it out to your parents.

No ambiguity at all.

If you choose to be a doormat and allow this to go ahead, you have NO ONE to blame but yourself.

Your parents have asked you.

Tell them straight.

Your sister wouldn't tolerate this.

You don't have to either.

Stop behaving like a victim when you aren't.

Your parents have asked you.

Send a text to them as above stating clearly how you feel.

If you play the doormat then that really is on you and you will have to live with the consequences of YOUR decision.

Apologies if that is harsh but if you are about to become a mother, you really need to put what is best for your child and your family ahead of your siblings.

Your brother fxxked up his life.

YOUR family, and your future child does not have to be collateral damage in his mess.....unless YOU allow it.

What does ‘getting taken to the cleaners’ even mean?
In divorce you split the assets and child maintenance gets sorted. The cleaners terminology paints him as a victim!

I needed to hear that. Thank you x

Either:

Stand up for yourself and say you are not willing to give up your share. Be an adult and deal with the consequences. Be prepared to counter your brother's unhappiness with the question, why should you miss out as a result of his feckless actions? Why should your children miss out, why shouldn't you have the time out of he work place your brother is having?

Be a grown up, act your age and stop relying on your parents' handout for your future life plans. The money has made you obligated towards them and made you put up with shit from your family. Stop being a doormat. Make it clear to your parents exactly how you feel about they way they have treated you. Do not be the one picking up the pieces when they need help and support in the future. Your brother and sister can do that.

My DP has a similar situation. DSIS gets paid well when she gets contracts but slows it. Them when out of work a family meme we gives her money to live 10s of thousands at a time. She has no pension and rents. I feel when we all get old she'll expect DP to support her and he will feel obligated to do so.

OP I think this question aside your brother will always expect help from you guys so even if he does take some of your inheritance now, if you are financially ok I'm sure when your parents are gone he will be tuning to you for more money. Just don't do it now. Keep your money. You have been patient and made good choices. It's not your problem that he hasn't.

What a ridiculous take. How silly and lacking empathy of you

Say NO!!!!

If you'd have taken it earlier, like your siblings, then it wouldn't be there for your loser brother to steal from you!

Why should his irresponsible, selfish actions trump your happiness & health? What a twat!!

When people inherit big money, they often use it for things that will benefit their own children in time: put in bank for university costs/house deposits, pay off your own mortgage for a house that your own kids will inherit. This money is not just for you, it will make the lives of your kids and your husband better.

If he steals your inheritance he steals off your kids. Your baby will have to go to nursery, instead of having lovely time at home with you, while he sits on his feckless arse, watching day time TV or playing X box. Is your brother more important than your kids?

If he steals your inheritance, your husband will have to continue working hard, while your brother sits on his feckless arse, watching daytime TV or playing X box. Is your brother more important than your husband?

Show your family that you value them. Go to your parents and issue a very firm "NO" and go home with a cheque for you and your family.