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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

542 replies

Justmegan · 25/12/2022 23:40

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again.

Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex.

My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

OP posts:
IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 26/12/2022 03:50

Furries · 26/12/2022 03:39

Oh, please, give over. Not quite sure where you get the impression I’m playing the victim from. Another, classic, way of trying to shut down an apposing view.

You have, rightly, been pulled up by a number of posters - on both your viewpoint and your posting style.

I have seen your name on other threads, and you have been ranty on those too, so some names stick in one’s head.

The OP asked if it’s unreasonable to expect him to get a vasectomy. The overwhelming response on here is, yes, it’s unreasonable. And this is on a site that, often, will always defend the woman’s point of view.

There are, undoubtably, many situations where a woman asking this would be deemed to be ok. But “expecting” it, given their ages and given her circumstances, it is being unreasonable.

Show quote history

The irony is I recognise your name too and you have a history of causing drama and fights. You clearly see yourself as a victim hence going on about me 'insulting' you when you are one who if you go back, will see you are the one who started the insults first, because you wanted to shut down my opposing view. You're just gaslighting and DARVOing now. Accusing me of doing exactly what you are doing. There is nothing unreasonable about her expecting her partner to have a vasectomy IF they are done having children, since it is safer for him to do it. Nothing at all unreasonable about expecting it. Forcing him to do it would however be unreasonable.

Furries · 26/12/2022 04:06

Yup, I’m all about the drama, thanks for the additional DARVO insult.

I have, on occasion, been incredibly insulting on here - pretty much always to do with threads that include vile comments re the treatment or views of pets. I have no hesitation in calling people cunts on those types of threads.

I also CBA with playing along with people who are being deliberately goady. So I’ll call them out too.

Please direct me to where I have a history of causing drama or fights. And I’m not trying to be arsey with that - because I’d be ok with highlighting where/how I have caused drama, would rather learn from it and adjust accordingly.

Furries · 26/12/2022 04:10

And, by the way, the only time I referred to you “insulting” was because of your lazy “are you drunk” posts which you directed to me and at least one other poster. A textbook shutdown attempt.

DuchessofSandwich · 26/12/2022 04:11

Justmegan · 25/12/2022 23:54

@redflowerbluethorns on the flip side he puts my health at risk? And who said pressuring. I want to ask him

How is he putting your health at risk? Surely sex is something you want together??????

lifeinthehills · 26/12/2022 04:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Well, I am very much a woman, and I don't think it is quite the same with a condom. Used them for years, however,

ItsBritneyBitch45 · 26/12/2022 04:23

You don’t want to get your tubes tied but you want him to get a vasectomy. How very unreasonable of you. Seeing as you’re the one who has a problem with the situation, why don’t you do something to your body instead of asking him to do something to his….

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 26/12/2022 04:30

Furries · 26/12/2022 04:10

And, by the way, the only time I referred to you “insulting” was because of your lazy “are you drunk” posts which you directed to me and at least one other poster. A textbook shutdown attempt.

This, was your very first post to me:

Furries · Today 02:09
@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 - your view on this is bloody bonkers. And I’m normally the last person to come running to the defence of men!

You then accused me of being a forced birther, of all batshit things to accuse me of:

Furries · Today 02:22
@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 - you are coming across as nutty as the people who champion forced birthing.
Women get a shit deal in life, I get that. It’s a constant blooming slog fighting misogyny etc. But this type of situation is nuanced and I still maintain it is unfair to expect this of her OH.

You also lobbed more insults at me in at least 3 posts, well before I even accused you of drinking.

You are simply trying to shut me down.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 26/12/2022 04:33

Furries · 26/12/2022 04:10

And, by the way, the only time I referred to you “insulting” was because of your lazy “are you drunk” posts which you directed to me and at least one other poster. A textbook shutdown attempt.

AS'ing your posts and you seem to have a habit of accusing others of shutting you down, yet what do you call saying someone's view is 'bonkers' and accusing them of being a forced birther/like a forced birther? Classic textbook shutdown attempt if ever there was one. Like I said, DARVO. You accused me doing exactly what you did, first.

harrassedmumto3 · 26/12/2022 04:36

A relationship without sex is doomed, particularly as you are still so young.

Newmum0322 · 26/12/2022 04:54

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 00:00

@Milkand2sugarsplease I'm not happy with contraception. He won't be happy for abstaining for much longer let's be honest. What are my options here? I don't want to get sterilised as the op is alot more invasive and more permanent than a vasectomy.

Well if you don’t want contraception, you don’t want to be sterilised, you don’t want to abstain from sex, he doesn’t want to have a vasectomy and you don’t want to have another baby… then your only other option is to man hop to find someone who will have a vasectomy very young.

Frankly, the first three options sound easier!

Furries · 26/12/2022 05:01

Taken in order:

Your view, or rather posting style, was/has been slightly bonkers. I’m not the only one who’s picked up on it. You have ignored completely valid points from a few people.

Read it again - I did not accuse you of being a forced birther.

Furries · 26/12/2022 05:11

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 26/12/2022 04:33

AS'ing your posts and you seem to have a habit of accusing others of shutting you down, yet what do you call saying someone's view is 'bonkers' and accusing them of being a forced birther/like a forced birther? Classic textbook shutdown attempt if ever there was one. Like I said, DARVO. You accused me doing exactly what you did, first.

Show quote history

We obviously aren’t going to agree on this topic. And I don’t want to deliberately annoy you.

I am going to go and AS myself, to try to learn how I accuse others of shutting me down. I’m open to learning from that.

I still maintain that the OP is wrong to “expect” her OH to go through this procedure.

Outtasteamandluck · 26/12/2022 05:25

Injectable contraception - Nexplanon.

I haven't had a period in 9 years (replaceable every 3).

RebeccaCloud9 · 26/12/2022 05:36

Honestly, it reads like you want him to get a vasectomy to even out the difficulties you went through. Like a punishment. That's not a good reason.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 26/12/2022 05:43

I can't handle hormonal contraception at all so I had the copper coil. It was excellent - no issues at all.

losingit31 · 26/12/2022 05:46

I was sterilised - two tiny laporoscopic incisions, a bit bloated that day and a bit off colour the day after, then felt completely normal. It's nonsense that female sterilisation is a big deal compared to a vasectomy. Don't use that as an excuse.

CJsGoldfish · 26/12/2022 05:47

Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped
But you've only had one, right? I had a huge baby first time, next was smaller. Surely you'd just go a c-section a couple of weeks early? 🤷‍♀️

Everyone I know who has had a copper coil has been happy with it so, for me, it would be worth a try. I'd never ask a mere 'partner' especially in their 20s to do something so permanent because I didn't want to have another baby.

ememem84 · 26/12/2022 05:58

Justmegan · 25/12/2022 23:54

@redflowerbluethorns on the flip side he puts my health at risk? And who said pressuring. I want to ask him

I don’t think you’re unreasonable having a conversation with him and asking him to consider it.

I’ve asked the same of DH.

knittingaddict · 26/12/2022 06:10

He would be very foolish to agree at his age and you are unreasonable to ask. Your relationship sounds a bit unstable anyway and will probably fail if it carries on. Abstinence and inability to compromise don't make for lasting romantic relationships.

He has one child and has plenty of time to have more. What if you died or the relationship ended? I'm sure he would potentially have additional children with someone else.

It's why I never asked my husband to have the snip. I'm prone to high blood pressure when pregnant and two was enough for me. If I had died I think he might have wanted another child with someone else. It might sound daft, but I wasn't going to scupper a future for him when I was the one with the problem.

That was a long time ago and he's way past any thoughts of more children. It's grandchildren all the way now.

marvellousmaple · 26/12/2022 06:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Soontobe60 · 26/12/2022 06:18

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 00:00

@Milkand2sugarsplease I'm not happy with contraception. He won't be happy for abstaining for much longer let's be honest. What are my options here? I don't want to get sterilised as the op is alot more invasive and more permanent than a vasectomy.

If you don’t want to get pregnant you need to take responsibility for ensuring it doesn’t happen. Condoms are not the passion killer you’re claiming they are!

themanwho · 26/12/2022 06:19

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 00:01

@WetBandits for now, yes. In a years time? Who knows
We are only in our 20s....

I doubt he wants a life without sex what man does 🙄

This sounds a really complicated situation you are in and it sounds like you have a lot of stuff to work through yourself and with your partner.

It sounds like there is a lot of trauma for both of you around your pregnancy and birth, and that this is affecting your sex life. maybe the fear of you getting pregnant again or hurting or killing you is in his head.. that is enough to put him off sex

i would add that you are making an assumption that all men want sex. That isn’t true. Some men and some women are happy not to have sex or indeed would rather not have sex.

Oh the other hand, of you don’t think that is the r here I think you are right to be concerned about the lack of sex in your relationship. if you think that is not normal for you or him. Problems with your sex life are often a result of problems in the relationship. It sounds like you both have a lot of talking to do together. If you can see a decent counsellor for your self to work through the trauma and if you can see a relationship therapist together that should make it easier for you to work this all out

MintyFreshOne · 26/12/2022 06:23

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/12/2022 00:17

Do you think he's less likely to leave to be with another woman if he has a vasectomy? Your comment about what he might do makes me wonder if this could be why you're seeking to make the choice for him but refuse to do it for yourself, when in all frankness, the problem appears to be that you are relatively small in build, in which case, a planned section would be utterly appropriate if you wanted another child - and as the perceived risk is to you, not him, and you don't want another child, it makes sense that you should be sterilised.

This. End of.

ScrabbleRabbler · 26/12/2022 06:25

have a C section with number 2 or you could get your tubes tied as you’re the one not wanting a second. If he’s not keen to have the snip best respect his wishes

DifferenceEngines · 26/12/2022 06:25

lifeinthehills · 26/12/2022 04:18

Well, I am very much a woman, and I don't think it is quite the same with a condom. Used them for years, however,

Show quote history

Same. I'm a woman, and I loathe condoms. Fortunately I've been in a long teem relationship for years, so haven't needed them in a long time.