To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

[Justmegan]

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again.

Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex.

My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

It was our chosen birth control up till DH had a vasectomy when we were done having children. I admit, the vasectomy is great, but not to be done lightly.

I don't want to get sterilised as the op is alot more invasive and more permanent than a vasectomy.
That's very selfish you can't him to do something you wont do

But what about me. Hardly fair that i have to risk pregnancy when my body struggled this first time. I can't even remember most of my pregnancy since I think I've been suffering with mild ptsd since

Given this, don’t you think it’s best you are sterilised?

None of this makes sense. You seem to want something reversible, but vasectomies are rarely successfully reversible. So it’s okay for him to have something that doesn’t have a great chance of success with reverse but not you? It’s all really odd.

Am I the only person who thinks she's not being unreasonable? 😂

If they both agree they don't want more children then whats the issue here? Doesn't matter if he's 27 or 47, if they've decided they're done at 1 child then they're done 🤷‍♀️

My DP is 26 and is looking in to vasectomies. Fair enough we are due our 3rd baby soon so we are very much done having children, but even if we weren't some people just don't want multiple kids (I don't blame them tbf😂)

OP, as long as its something he actually wants then I don't see an issue with it. Maybe he's putting it off because he would like more children? Or it could be something deeper like he's thinking what if you split up and he wants more children with someone else (hopefully it's not that). I think you need to have a proper discussion about it x

I agree.

I imagine he is probably waiting for thr opportunity to have more children with someone else. Or at very least acknowledges the possibility. Doctors would think tge same and likely not give him one anyway even if hypothetically he were willing.

it is permanent, he is 27 with only 1 child. You may be 'one and done ' but the reality is that is not what most people want. I thought you were going to say you already had 3+ when I clicked on the thread. Yabu to expect someone relatively young with only 1 child to have a vasectomy. It is a permanent measure. Yes less complicated than tubes tied and am usually in favour of the man doing it because of that.

It's not unreasonable to ask him to do it, or bring it up for discussion. It would be unreasonable to expect him to do it. Personally, if I was that sure that I didn't want to have another baby I would want to be sterilized myself so that I was protected regardless of what happens in the future.

You are the one who is adamant they don't want another child (even with another partner) so you are the one who should be sterilised.

I can also tell the difference between condoms and none. When I first found out how common stealthing is, I was surprised to discover a lot of women cannot feel the difference.

His side of the story:
27 yo man, one child, not married. Currently no sex life as the girlfriend doesn't want to have sex. There is a pressure from her for a vasectomy.
What would you do?

If you don't want more kids then you should be the one to get sterilised. Why should your dp be the one to if he doesn't want to and at your ages it's unlikely the nhs will do it anyway. My dsis is 24 and has 3 kids and has had 3 sections and they won't sterilise her or her partner who is 28 as they are under 30 and neither want any more kids

He’s not putting your health at risk - you have other options, you just don’t fancy using them.

There's no guarantee that you'll both be together in five years time so why should he become sterilised so young? It would affect his future fertility with another partner. If you don't want children then you should be sterilised otherwise it's selfish to expect him to.

@Justmegan I can see why you're getting alot of flak on here for your posts. But, I think you're very traumatised from the birth and that's what is fuelling your very strong feelings on this. I think the first thing you need is counselling to process the birth and your (quite understandable) fears on getting pregnant again. I had my first at 25 and it was similar delivery to you (36 hr labour, baby stuck, dropped heart rate, room suddenly filled with people and baby delivered via forceps and a huge tear which needed repair in theatre) afterwards I was terrorfied of another pregnancy, if I thought about the birth I'd start shaking. I think you need to process your experience first before you or your OH make any permanent decisions here. I'm not saying you will change your mind, but I went on to have another child via elective c section 4 years later. I really think you need to work through things because you sound like your feelings are very heightened at the moment.

Millions of women have had a coil with no problem on insertion and no consequences. You really can't generalise from one person's experience.

Given his age and that he sounds like he doesn’t particularly want it I highly doubt any GP would refer him on for one in all honesty!
my DH had one at 40, three kids later, I was pregnant at the time and the GP took a lot of persuading that we were done!!

That's unfortunately a consequence of biology. For a man to avoid children, the choices are condoms, a vasectomy or no sex. For a woman, there is a wider range of choices. Why not at least try the coil before pushing him into something that the NHS won't be willing to give anyway? Particularly given that it's actually recommended for your condition so has benefits for you.

I agree. I had a copper coil for 10 years, it was the best form of contraception I ever used. No issues at all. I know women who have had blood clots from birth control pills, doesn’t mean it happens to everyone. You always hear the horror stories because they are unusual. No one goes around telling people their contraception choices are fine and uneventful because there’s no drama or interest in that.

You desperately need some counselling to help you come to terms with the birth. It's a huge issue if your trauma has basically led to you fully abstaining from sex. If you were to decide to have another child you could be induced early to prevent baby growing large, or more likely have a planned c-section. There's also absolutely no guarantee the birth would be the same next time round anyway - second births are generally much easier and less complicated than first births.

As others have said, he's way too young to get a vasectomy. You're not married yet. Sorry to say it, but there's every chance you could be separated down the line and he'd be a very young sterile man who might want to have children with someone else but can't. Part of me wonders if you'd like to prevent this and that's part of it?

If you're so sure you don't want more kids and he isn't, you should be the one to be sterilised, regardless of the fact it's more invasive. But ultimately I don't think either of you should.

And i know a 32 year old who's just had a very hard time persuading a surgeon to perform a vasectomy after 3 kids. I don't think an NHS doctor would agree to it in this case anyway.

Your flippant view a vasectomy is reversible is misguided

Why should he have surgery he doesn't want to?

You're unwilling to consider sterilisation for yourself when you're the one saying you don't want to be pregnant ever again, but you expect him to have a vasectomy and potentially have it reversed if you/him change your mind, whilst claiming if he doesn't then he's the one risking your health. That's a really manipulative stance.

He's far too young to be considered for a vasectomy

You only have 1 child and are mid/late 20s still many potential years left to reproduce if you both change your minds about baby number 2

As far as I know it's not (easily) reversible....I think there's v little chance a surgeon would do it a) at his age b) with the vague view to possibly get it reversed at some point in the future

Have a coil fitted and stop being ridiculous

YABU. Get yourself sterilised if you know you'll never want to go through another pregnancy.

Fwiw though I had a difficult pregnancy/birth with dc1, ending in crash section because he was stuck. Dc2 was over 2lbs smaller and it was all much easier so it's not a given that you'd struggle again.