To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

[Justmegan]

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again.

Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex.

My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

Step away from the vino.

This will end up in the classics thanks to you. You need to come back to this one in the morning and then i doubt we'll ever see your name again. YOU are the one coming across as unhinged YOU are not properly reading or comprehending what other people are saying and YOU are creating your own narrative.

If a man wants a vasectomy he should have one, not because his partner EXPECTS him to. And it works both ways. It's really that simple.

I've read her posts. You are inventing a narrative that isn't there. No where has she said he definitely doesn't want children with her but would with another woman. No where did she say that. That is you surmising. You should read her posts and not invent things she never said.

Yup, that’s definitely it 🤦🏻‍♀️

No reasoning going on at all here. I’ve sunk 10 bottles of wine and a truck load of chocolate liquors. Because, obviously, you’d have to be absolutely wasted to, once in a while, stick up for a bloke.

Are you on glue/taking drugs - have heard they can give you paranoid rantings.

Is that a nice comment? No, it’s not. But it’s made in the effort of highlighting how crappy your “are you drunk” comments have been to me and at least one other poster. It’s an incredibly lazy insult.

I have a lot of sympathy for you. Being somewhat older than you I hope you don't mind my sharing some personal experience

I too hate condoms. Can't feel anything dont trust them, very talented at squeezing them off so ive never known them to be effective.

I also had my 2 DC in my very early 20s and married. I too don't do well on hormonal contraceptive and by then I'd had one Copper coil go walkabout. I knew I was done with 2 DC. My husband went to get his tubes tied. NHS would not do it so he went private, our last DC together was less than a year old. He had to do some persuading (10 years together, married, two children, failed contraceptives etc)

Guess what? Less than 1 year after that we were very suddenly split. 2 years later hed started hard core dating aka new wife searching. Roughly 3 years later he'd had the op reversed 4-5 years later he had another child. Eventually he had another 2 and ended up dropping contact with our DC.

I never had anymore. I had another failed copper coil. I also I had a wobbly in my mid thirties but because the hormonal contraceptive I'd resorted to can take up to a year to stop working so I thankfully I thought the better of the idea before the protection actually ran out. At 40 something now I can't see my changing my mind.

Now I'm not saying you will end up like I did, but I do now understand why they say don't do anything young. You really don't know what will happen and you have too much time for it to happen in. Men (and woman) seem to solidify a new relationship with further children. There's no harm in asking him to have a vasectomy. but I do think you need to prepare yourself for him to say no and that, horribly, it's the right decision for him.

As it turns out I really could have had my tubes tied in my 20s and it been the right choice. There's not way I'd advice it to my younger self though. You'd be desperately sad if you did at some point decide you wanted further children and the operation didn't reverse properly, I was sad enough when I realised the Depo couldn't reverse immediately I I thought I wanted another one.

No I'm not sure where that leaves you. In his shoes I probably would prefer celibacy in the relationship to a permanent contraceptive solution. I dont think its a given he will cheat, tbh id worry as much about unsustainable levels of porn use as much as cheating. But you come back to the fact you really don't know what will happen tomorrow and being young, you have a lot of time for the unexpected to happen in.

Try to have a honest conversation But he probablu won't. To do so would mean him having to admit he's given serious thought to his own interests when/if the relationship ends. He's not going to want to hurt you like that.

Lol it's midday here and I'm sober as a judge. YOU are the one inventing a narrative. Try reading what she said, not what you assume she means. No one said he should have a vasectomy because he is expected to or that he should be pressured. You are reading things into what the OP said, and into what I said, that is simply not there. Go to bed and re-read in the morning, you might then understand how much you misinterpreted everything.

@Justmegan yabu
It takes two to tango and both of you are responsible to stop this happening.
Why should he alter himself, when it may not be reversible, nobody knows what the future holds.
As someone who has PCOS and had a traumatic birth I would not expect my DH to go through this. I would however expect to sit down and discuss my feelings and his, openly and honestly.
You don’t want to use the pill, you have ruled out the coil and you don’t want your tubes tied. You aren’t open to anything that involves you and you have at least 3 options. Why should he do this? Neither of you knew that was going to happen when you had your baby. He went through it too, not in the same sense but he would have been worried, scared and he is there putting up with the changes, I’m sure it has brought with your mood.
I certainly wouldn’t be getting married to someone I don’t have sex with.

She actually did say in the original post they are terrified of getting pregnant because of her medical issues, not because he definitely doesn’t want more kids. Just because you’re too embarrassed to admit you’re wrong.

@Icedlatteplease - that’s an incredibly raw and honest post. Thank you for sharing, with a look at both viewpoints. It’s obviously not been an easy situation all round, but might stop some of the sniping on this thread (which I’m also guilty of).

@Miss03852 That is what I said, so you are agreeing with me! My point was IF he doesn't want any more, regardless. We don't know her medical issues are the only reason why he may or may not, want more children.

Do you understand my point now? I am saying IF he doesn't want more children, at all. Regardless of the reason.

You're accusing EVERYONE as being drunk and creating their own narrative. And whether it's noon where you are or not you are definitely on the gargle and maybe even the glue by the sounds of these mad rantings.

Given your unwillingness to answer many reasonable questions put to you, I think you’re being unreasonable.
There’s other solutions out there.

So me saying he should have some say in his own relationship, and if he no longer wants children then he should at least 'consider' vasectomy, is 'mad rantings'?

I don’t think many doctors would do it in your circumstances - you need to think about what may happen if: eg you split up or one of you passed away - would the other person want a chance at another baby with a subsequent partner?

There are other options for being intimate than piv sex.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 - your posting style is definitely not of the calm variety. You’ve been rude and insulting “are you drunk” type posts. Not a good look and you will get pulled up on it. It’s lazy with regards to trying to shut people down.

My points, since I am being verballed, misrepresented and things said that I haven't said, I will put it in plain English and type as slowly as I can.

The OP is not unreasonable to expect her fiance to have a vasectomy (but would be unreasonable to force it).
The OP is not unreasonable to at least raise the issue.
IF both have decided they no longer want any more children, regardless of why (be it her health, finances or simply being happy with just the one) then it is not unreasonable for him to do the one thing he can do; have a procedure that is safer for him than it is for her.

Your title says 'expect' so you have already decided so why I you asking?

You want people to say you are right, it doesn't work that way

You have been rude and insulting also, so I respond in kind. Don't play the victim, if you go back you will see you started insulting me first.

" I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either"

Haha in many areas 2 years is the waiting list! Also add on the time beforehand to get on the waiting list and the waiting time after to check it worked (going back for tests until confirmed sterile) and you're easily looking at 3 years.

Also even if that wasn't true lots of other posters have made some good points.

And nowhere does she say he definitely doesn’t want any kids. Or maybe I’m wrong and you can show us the post where she says it?

Which is why I said If.

Then why are you arguing so fiercely? I’m sure if he def didn’t want any more the op would have said so to try to strengthen her argument.
regardless, if he doesn’t want a vaccectomy then the answer is no.

I'm defending myself against people misrepresenting me and acting like I've said things I haven't said. If you were misrepresented and verballed wouldn't you defend yourself? I've been abused, called bonkers, batshit, idiot etc by posters on here who seem to lack the ability to comprehend basic written English. Maybe ask those people why they are arguing so fiercely that they are abusing me and calling me all sorts of insults.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 u ok hun?

Oh, please, give over. Not quite sure where you get the impression I’m playing the victim from. Another, classic, way of trying to shut down an apposing view.

You have, rightly, been pulled up by a number of posters - on both your viewpoint and your posting style.

I have seen your name on other threads, and you have been ranty on those too, so some names stick in one’s head.

The OP asked if it’s unreasonable to expect him to get a vasectomy. The overwhelming response on here is, yes, it’s unreasonable. And this is on a site that, often, will always defend the woman’s point of view.

There are, undoubtably, many situations where a woman asking this would be deemed to be ok. But “expecting” it, given their ages and given her circumstances, it is being unreasonable.