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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

542 replies

Justmegan · 25/12/2022 23:40

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again.

Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex.

My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

OP posts:
IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 26/12/2022 02:24

Furries · 26/12/2022 02:22

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 - you are coming across as nutty as the people who champion forced birthing.

Women get a shit deal in life, I get that. It’s a constant blooming slog fighting misogyny etc. But this type of situation is nuanced and I still maintain it is unfair to expect this of her OH.

Except I am not suggesting anything forced. Many men who no longer want children have a vasectomy. It's very popular now. Why is it 'nutty' to suggest a man take responsibility? Are you for real? You honestly think it's wrong to ask her partner to take responsibility, since it is after all his sperm that gets her pregnant?

Florenz · 26/12/2022 02:24

If OP and her DP split up, he might want to have a child with a new partner. OP would not want to have another child with any partner. It does not make sense for the DP to have a vasectomy in this instance.

ImustLearn2Cook · 26/12/2022 02:24

🤣🤣🤣🤣 Well someone is spitting the dummy because we aren’t obeying the narrative they are creating of women being unreasonable misogynists.

How frustrating that we insist on being level headed, reasonable and rational. 😂

Furries · 26/12/2022 02:25

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 26/12/2022 02:19

I think drunk loons are posting on this thread. This topic has come up many times on Mumsnet, and the other times the OP would be told they are not unreasonable. So something is very strange on here.

The only strange thing on here would be your posts. You are not listening to very reasoned views, you are just ranting away. It’s very odd.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 26/12/2022 02:26

Furries · 26/12/2022 02:25

The only strange thing on here would be your posts. You are not listening to very reasoned views, you are just ranting away. It’s very odd.

Show quote history

There is no 'reasoned views' from you, you are creating a narrative the OP never said, and you seem quite unhinged.

You seem to think men have no say in a sexual relationship. You are very odd.

Mamai90 · 26/12/2022 02:26

If you think I'm the one who has had too much to drink (I'm tee total) while you're on a thread where you're arguing with nearly every single person and its not even a thread you started then you really have drank the Kool Aid.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 26/12/2022 02:27

Florenz · 26/12/2022 02:24

If OP and her DP split up, he might want to have a child with a new partner. OP would not want to have another child with any partner. It does not make sense for the DP to have a vasectomy in this instance.

But if he is determined he doesn't want any more, then he is no more likely to want another child with anyone else than she is.

ilovesooty · 26/12/2022 02:28

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 26/12/2022 02:12

How is she unreasonable to ask her partner to step and take responsibility?

Show quote history

I think she's unreasonable for a number of reasons, but I doubt very much if any of them would be likely to cause you to think differently or consider an alternative point of view.

For what it's worth I think that something as permanent as sterilisation seems an unwise decision at this point for either party, given their age and situation.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 26/12/2022 02:28

Mamai90 · 26/12/2022 02:26

If you think I'm the one who has had too much to drink (I'm tee total) while you're on a thread where you're arguing with nearly every single person and its not even a thread you started then you really have drank the Kool Aid.

If you think it's normal to suggest a man has no say in his own relationship, then yes I do believe you are not tee total.

Furries · 26/12/2022 02:28

ImustLearn2Cook · 26/12/2022 02:24

🤣🤣🤣🤣 Well someone is spitting the dummy because we aren’t obeying the narrative they are creating of women being unreasonable misogynists.

How frustrating that we insist on being level headed, reasonable and rational. 😂

Quite! This thread has yearned 🦇 💩

Florenz · 26/12/2022 02:29

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 26/12/2022 02:27

But if he is determined he doesn't want any more, then he is no more likely to want another child with anyone else than she is.

Show quote history

He is far more likely to change his mind in the future than OP is.

Wetblanket78 · 26/12/2022 02:29

The snip or vasectamy doesn't guarantee 100% you won't get pregnant. I see stories on SM all the time. Women didn't know they were pregnant. They were'nt expecting it because either she had been sterilised or he had the snip. To not know until your giving birth would be dangerous.

You are both still young but there are other effective contraceptives. Like the injection and the implant. You could use the one of those options and the natural rythym of your cycle as well. So you abstain when fertile. I know friends who use that method alone and it's effective.

Furries · 26/12/2022 02:29

Florenz · 26/12/2022 02:24

If OP and her DP split up, he might want to have a child with a new partner. OP would not want to have another child with any partner. It does not make sense for the DP to have a vasectomy in this instance.

This, this and thrice this.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 26/12/2022 02:29

Florenz · 26/12/2022 02:29

He is far more likely to change his mind in the future than OP is.

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How do you know that?

lifeinthehills · 26/12/2022 02:30

My husband was ready to have a vasectomy way before I was ready for us to take that step. So he didn't, because we're partners. I'm glad he didn't force that on me, just as I wouldn't force it on him.

Furries · 26/12/2022 02:31

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 26/12/2022 02:26

There is no 'reasoned views' from you, you are creating a narrative the OP never said, and you seem quite unhinged.

You seem to think men have no say in a sexual relationship. You are very odd.

Show quote history

I can’t quite decipher this reasoning, so not sure how to respond 😂

Toed · 26/12/2022 02:31

Dh got it done around that age, its worth a conversation about the possibility. As everyone has pointed out, obviously pressurising would be a no no, but totally fine to have a conversation about what to do in the future contraception wise, including that.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 26/12/2022 02:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BadNomad · 26/12/2022 02:32

Are you actually saying you don't want any more children, or just that you want to be able to have sex without using contraception? You keep mentioning "reversible". Sterilisation is not temporary contraception. Its purpose is permanence. So if there is a possibility that you might want another child in the future, then neither of you should get sterilised.

You do know you are being unreasonable to ask him to have a vasectomy, and you have reasons against every other form of contraception, so do you think part of you is actually just trying to have an excuse to stop having sex completely but put the blame on him?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/12/2022 02:32

But if he is determined he doesn't want any more, then he is no more likely to want another child with anyone else than she is

He has not said this. She has said she doesn't want any more children.

Florenz · 26/12/2022 02:32

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 26/12/2022 02:29

How do you know that?

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Because OP would face life-threatening health issues were she to become pregnant again. Her DH would not.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 26/12/2022 02:33

BadNomad · 26/12/2022 02:32

Are you actually saying you don't want any more children, or just that you want to be able to have sex without using contraception? You keep mentioning "reversible". Sterilisation is not temporary contraception. Its purpose is permanence. So if there is a possibility that you might want another child in the future, then neither of you should get sterilised.

You do know you are being unreasonable to ask him to have a vasectomy, and you have reasons against every other form of contraception, so do you think part of you is actually just trying to have an excuse to stop having sex completely but put the blame on him?

She is not being unreasonable to suggest it at least, surely?

Miss03852 · 26/12/2022 02:34

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 26/12/2022 02:22

But if he DOESN'T WANT ANYMORE CHILDREN, the entire point of a vasectomy is so you don't have any more children. It is the ENTIRE POINT, to sterilise yourself. That's why men have a vasectomy. The entire purpose is that. If you had read the OP's first thread, neither DP or her get on with condoms. You clearly didn't read her post, because why mention something they can't use?
And nothing is talking about 'pressuring'. Why are you inventing things she never said?

Show quote history

Have you even read her posts? In absolutely none of them she’s said he’d never want children in the future, she’s said they’re both terrified of her getting pregnant again because of her medical issues. So it’s specific to her, he doesn’t want any more children whilst in a relationship with her. If they split up he likely will have another child if he’s with a woman who wants one. That is usually what ends up happening. Maybe read the posts before going mental.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 26/12/2022 02:35

Florenz · 26/12/2022 02:32

Because OP would face life-threatening health issues were she to become pregnant again. Her DH would not.

Show quote history

Fair point but that doesn't mean he would want any more children. For all we know he could be more against having more than she is.

BadNomad · 26/12/2022 02:36

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 26/12/2022 02:33

She is not being unreasonable to suggest it at least, surely?

Show quote history

She is if she is saying this is their only option if they want to have a sex life. That is putting the onus on him. No snip, no sex. That is unfair.