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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

542 replies

Justmegan · 25/12/2022 23:40

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again.

Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex.

My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

OP posts:
Miss03852 · 26/12/2022 11:18

It's pretty pathetic to have seen your partner go through a traumatic birth and be unwilling to even consider a vasectomy - god forbid a man has to do something with his body.

Oh fgs. Why do you think they’ll even be together in ten guests time?! They’re in their twenties, not married, he with a very pushy unreasonable woman, why should he permanently sterilise himself over a relationship that won’t even likely last?!

MintyFreshOne · 26/12/2022 11:18

If they both agree they don't want more children then whats the issue here? Doesn't matter if he's 27 or 47, if they've decided they're done at 1 child then they're done

They didn’t, OP has decided this for herself

gamerchick · 26/12/2022 11:22

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 09:52

@Miajk this is how I feel. Why does all the expectatin and responsibility fall on my body. All this talk of not putting dp through an op he doesn't want but i had to be rushed into an EMC that i didnt want to save our lives. But that's acceptable because I am a woman and I signed up for it becoming pregnant right? If dp is serious about being with me I feel like he should consider it. If he is leaving the door open for someone else then he should tell me as I don't want to marry someone entertaining that possibility. The no sex thing is on him just as much as me

Personally to me it sounds like you need to address the trauma you had over the birth you have before you think about sending your bloke off for a surgery you both might regret in time. Maybe start with a debrief at the hospital you gave birth at and work through it.

MintyFreshOne · 26/12/2022 11:29

Why does all the expectatin and responsibility fall on my body. All this talk of not putting dp through an op he doesn't want but i had to be rushed into an EMC that i didnt want to save our lives

You don’t want to go through this again, you get sterilised. What if he left you, are you going to insist future partners sterilise themselves once it gets serious? Good fucking luck

If dp is serious about being with me I feel like he should consider it

He’s too young (as u are too but are BU about other options)

If he is leaving the door open for someone else then he should tell me as I don't want to marry someone entertaining that possibility

This seems like a threat, what if you left him (by death or divorce)? He shouldn’t close the door on future children at such a young age, anything could happen. Especially as you are unmarried and from the outside the relationship seems
shaky

Anyway you’d be absolutely a complete fool to do this to yourself for a girlfriend/boyfriend. Is your DP a complete fool?

Miss03852 · 26/12/2022 11:34

All this talk of not putting dp through an op he doesn't want but i had to be rushed into an EMC that i didnt want to save our lives. But that's acceptable because I am a woman and I signed up for it becoming pregnant right?

Yeah pretty much. You decided to get pregnant knowing the risks. And nothing permanent has happened to your body as a result, you aren’t permanently infertile like you want your DP to be, so it’s completely different. You seem like a very unreasonable person.

themanwho · 26/12/2022 11:36

newnamequickly · 26/12/2022 10:02

The trauma of the birth of your baby has stayed with you. I think this is at the bottom of your difficulties.

I have a few things that will help. You are young, you have time. This is what I would tell my children who are your age.

You love this man, you've had his baby. You want a life together.

Firstly contact the hospital and PALS (within the hospital). You need a birth de-brief, you need to be reassured how your experience of birth could be changed should you ever fall pregnant again.

Also see your GP to ask for appropriate counselling and explore your feelings about this trauma.

In conjunction with the above please go and have a chat to a knowledgeable doctor at your local GUM clinic. They specialise in all areas of sexual health and can advise you well about all the ways to prevent pregnancy should this be your choice.

Armed with these three things, it will help you make sense of what's happened, make clear and informed decisions about your future.

The way you want things to be now may not be the way you'd choose with all the information.

Best wishes and you do have other options.

This 🖕🏼👌

themanwho · 26/12/2022 11:37

themanwho · 26/12/2022 11:36

This 🖕🏼👌

Show quote history

Sorry I meant this ☝️😳

Original poster
Justmegan · 26/12/2022 11:59

For all those saying unmarried we are engaged and due to be married the summer!

OP posts:
Original poster
Justmegan · 26/12/2022 12:00

@themanwho 😂no worries point taken!

OP posts:
Original poster
Justmegan · 26/12/2022 12:01

@Miss03852 you know when you have a c section there is hightened risk of becoming infertile when something goes wrong. I know because they read it out to me and I had to sign to confirm I was okay with this. Also in terms of permanent body changes yes. I have a scar, an over hung tummy and numbness in that area that I have been told won't come back. It may not be the same as being infertile but it has its own permanent risks.

OP posts:
Eleganz · 26/12/2022 12:03

The clinical advice is quite clear that men opting for a vasectomy have to accept that it is an irreversible process amongst a few other conditions before they can have the procedure done. Will you partner agree if he understands that is the case?

Miss03852 · 26/12/2022 12:04

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 11:59

For all those saying unmarried we are engaged and due to be married the summer!

That doesn’t mean you’ll stay together. Divorce rate is still 50%. So pushing him into a vasectomy is a way of trapping him imo.

Miss03852 · 26/12/2022 12:09

you know when you have a c section there is hightened risk of becoming infertile when something goes wrong. I know because they read it out to me and I had to sign to confirm I was okay with this

So you admit you even slightly risking being infertile is a huge sacrifice, yet you’re trying to make him do a procedure that guarantees he becomes infertile?! Right…

It’s not tit for tat, you are either trying to trap him or have absolutely no empathy towards him. If it’s not big deal then make yourself permanently infertile.

SoupDragon · 26/12/2022 12:13

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 12:01

@Miss03852 you know when you have a c section there is hightened risk of becoming infertile when something goes wrong. I know because they read it out to me and I had to sign to confirm I was okay with this. Also in terms of permanent body changes yes. I have a scar, an over hung tummy and numbness in that area that I have been told won't come back. It may not be the same as being infertile but it has its own permanent risks.

Have you looked at the risks involved with a vasectomy?

mummyh2016 · 26/12/2022 12:17

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 12:01

@Miss03852 you know when you have a c section there is hightened risk of becoming infertile when something goes wrong. I know because they read it out to me and I had to sign to confirm I was okay with this. Also in terms of permanent body changes yes. I have a scar, an over hung tummy and numbness in that area that I have been told won't come back. It may not be the same as being infertile but it has its own permanent risks.

You're clutching at straws. Walking down the road can cause infertility these days! I'm forever reading on MN that CS are the safest form of childbirth.

GooglyEyeballs · 26/12/2022 12:22

Why don't you track your fertile days and dont have sex when you're ovulating? If you do it properly it works quite well for a lot of people.

NinjaWarriorCooker · 26/12/2022 12:25

GooglyEyeballs · 26/12/2022 12:22

Why don't you track your fertile days and dont have sex when you're ovulating? If you do it properly it works quite well for a lot of people.

That’s far too much of a sensible option!

FortSalem86 · 26/12/2022 12:26

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 12:01

@Miss03852 you know when you have a c section there is hightened risk of becoming infertile when something goes wrong. I know because they read it out to me and I had to sign to confirm I was okay with this. Also in terms of permanent body changes yes. I have a scar, an over hung tummy and numbness in that area that I have been told won't come back. It may not be the same as being infertile but it has its own permanent risks.

Probably sound blunt but better than a dead baby going by the fact you have had an emergency c section. Be thankful for that. Get some counselling. Please also don't try putting it in the same bracket as infertility.

Dogsogdog · 26/12/2022 12:27

Op will make an excuse for everything. Lots of us have had traumatic births, there are options, but she doesn’t want to know

Zonder · 26/12/2022 12:32

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 12:01

@Miss03852 you know when you have a c section there is hightened risk of becoming infertile when something goes wrong. I know because they read it out to me and I had to sign to confirm I was okay with this. Also in terms of permanent body changes yes. I have a scar, an over hung tummy and numbness in that area that I have been told won't come back. It may not be the same as being infertile but it has its own permanent risks.

Have you ever had any other surgery? You know they always have to read you the risk assessment? And it always includes absolute worst case scenario so that you can't claim you didn't know after. They would do this if dp has a vasectomy - it will sound horrific.

Millions of us have had c sections and not ended up infertile. I also have numbness near my scar that hasn't come back 16 years later. I never think about it - hardly life changing.

You're really clutching at straws.

And as for your compatibility and bigger baby - rubbish! My close family member does research into baby birth weight for a living and it's really not like that. We have all discussed it over every family pregnancy!

QS90 · 26/12/2022 12:38

Why do you care about the risk of infertility if you don't want more children??

The risks involved with a c-section are minimal, especially with a planned c-section. But OP you have clearly made up your mind and were hoping Mumsnet would be an echo chamber of what you had decided. It's telling that even on here (where people are almost always on the woman's side), more 90% of people say YABVU! Either get counselling, and professional advice about contraception, or else try to pressure your DP into a vasectomy which is clearly what you intend to do. You may ruin your relationship, and ultimately it's extremely unlikely that he will be allowed to have one. But it's your choice, if this is what you decide to do.

NinjaWarriorCooker · 26/12/2022 12:47

you knew the risks when you decided to get pregnant, I assume you decided to take them because you wanted a child. It was done to benefit you.

HoboSexualOnslow · 26/12/2022 13:24

Penis in vagina isn't the only way to have sex! Lots of other ways you can be intimate without the risk of pregnancy.

Plumbear2 · 26/12/2022 13:35

He is a year older than my eldest child. I would say to him what I would say to my own child. Don't do it. He has barely begun his adult life, I know to you it feels old but in reality he is still very young and has no idea where his life will take him. He may well want to have more children when he is in his 30s, with or without you. You are selfish to ask

BadNomad · 26/12/2022 13:37

@Justmegan You haven't answered this, are you done with having children completely? It actually sounds like you are treating a vasectomy as temporary contraception. As something that can be reversed at a later date if you decide you want more children.