To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

[Justmegan]

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again.

Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex.

My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

You're both young and your relationship isn't very old. He clearly isn't committed to no more children . Lots can change and he might want children with someone else if your relationship doesn't last.

You keep putting up obstacles - your sis has a bad coil experience. I, and many of my friends, had good coil experiences but I could tell you of several men who had bad vasectomy experiences including at least 2 where it failed and 1 where he tried to get it reversed and that didn't work. It feels like you think a vasectomy is nothing while any kind of contraception is a mountain for you.

Before anything else I think maybe you should get counseling about your previous birth experience. I don't know who told you it would be the same a second time around but it doesn't mean it's true. If you still decide no more children that's up to you but I'm not sure your DP is as sure.

I have never heard of anyone having any such issues with a coil. Sounds like she was unlucky. I gather they can be a bit sore to fit but it is only brief.. You could probably find equally uncommon scare stories about vasectomies if you googled it.

You sound quite immature actually OP.

If you aren't bothered about sex and just go along with it for your bf (this is how your posts sound) are you sure you aren't gay? Couple of my friends admitted this when drunk and the rest of the women there said erm no we love sex. Both married men, both divorced men and both remarried women! Maybe you don't need to wait to meet a sterile man, meet a woman and risk of getting pregnant = 0!

You're misunderstanding. It's not the procedure itself that is the issue. Vasectomies are not particularly painful and recovery is generally fast. It's the removal of his fertility at a young age. Even if he planned to stay with you (which would be bizarre, given that you clearly don't like or fancy him) , you and your child could die tomorrow. Would he be prepared, in his 20s, to give up the chance of ever being a father again? That is a HUGE ask of someone. It's not as simple as saying "well I had a shit pregnancy and labour so now he's got to suffer too", which is what you're implying.

But really OP, I think you shouldn't be together anyway. Your contempt for him is clear in your posts.

That’s interesting. I’d also read that female sterilisation is a lot less invasive than it used to be.

I am so sorry the modern obstetrics has scared you this much. No child is made too big to give birth to. With suitable birth environment and a good midwife who helps you to find all the positions you need for your baby to rotate there is only a small chance you end up having a nightmare birth you probably had.

Vasectomies are not particularly painful and recovery is generally fast.

There is the risk of permanent pain though.

I was told when my husband has his that they prefer and is easier to do a vasectomy than sterilise a woman and it's more likely to work.

What did you do for contraception before you had DC? What’s changed that means you can’t do that again?

There doesn’t seem any mention in this all about whether he would consider any more children ever. A vasectomy is not at all considered a temporary or reversible procedure - reversal is difficult, expensive, and by no means guaranteed to work.

There are a plethora of contraceptive methods out there, but you appear to be clutching at any excuse not to at least try them. It’s you that wants sex and doesn’t want a baby, not him. Therefore it falls to you.

I also think it’s odd that your reasoning is that if you don’t have sex, he will leave you, especially when you say he’s been happy without. That’s not the thought process in a healthy relationship.

Honestly this whole post is just really weird.

Am I the only person who thinks she's not being unreasonable? 😂

If they both agree they don't want more children then whats the issue here? Doesn't matter if he's 27 or 47, if they've decided they're done at 1 child then they're done 🤷‍♀️

if’s not that clear cut though. The OP said they are both terrified of her getting pregnant again, to the point he is abstaining. That does not mean he wouldn’t like more children

What do you mean by Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together? You only have one child! If you're under 5' then there's just as much chance of the next baby being small like you (unless you're also diabetic or obese?).

On the vasectomy thing, YABU. You're not married, and you're very young to make such a big decision. Vasectomy reversal is expensive and often doesn't work.

Use extra-safe condoms, and a spermicidal lubricant. You can also track your cycle using temperature measurements and an app to avoid your fertile window if you want to be extra sure.

Again a load of rubbish. Some babies are too big to birth.

Sounds like OP is also not sure she is done having kids, as she doesn’t want anything “permanent” herself.

Totally ridiculous to insist her DP is permanently sterilised instead, leaving her own options open.

Lots of issues tied into one. Firstly I highly doubt the nhs will do it for him due to his age and only having one child.

You don’t want another baby with him due to size of possible babies, so YOU don’t want anything permanent. Vasectomies are also sold as permanent so maybe he actually isn’t done having babies either with you maybe changing your mind or sadly someone else.

You don’t get on with hormonal contraceptives but ignore the non hormonal coil, don’t like condoms (I agree) have you tried spermicide and a cap?

His going with abstinence and you would happily do that but worried about him straying….. Sound’s like a wedding should be the last thing on the cards and I’m all for men getting snipped and doing their share but this does just scream not wanting him to leave or have options when you still want those very options.

What did you do for contraception before you had DC? What’s changed that means you can’t do that again?

A fair question, Thriwit - I was wondering that myself

@KimberleyClark It wasn't even recent - I was 36 at the time and I will soon be 55!

A vasectomy is not easily reversed.

You are both young so it wouldnt be easy to get irreversible treatment, unless one of you wants to transition and the NHS is backing out of that now.

There are other, reversible, options you refuse to consider, starting with the coil. I dont think limiting when you have sex or spermicides have been mentioned. Obviously notperfect but reduce the risk of pregnancy. www.fertilityuk.org/new-page-1

You can ask, he has the right to say no.

If you are unhappy with the Permanence of sterilisation for yourself then why do you feel okay with DH having an irreversible procedure.
On the flip side DP and I knew 100% we didn't want anymore so I was sterilised during my C-section and he had a vasectomy shortly after. We both knew they even if we weren't together we definitely don't want anymore children either together or separately.
You need to be 100% sure if they will not do the procedure.

I should also add that myself and partner are in our late 30's and they still checked and double checked that we were sure, right up to doing the procedure during my C-section. I had to pretty much insist!

I totally agree with you. I don’t mind condoms at all personally. From distant memory, as I’ve been with dh decades, they can be quite exciting actually. As others have said, there are lots of different options.

Jeepers?! I can be surprised at all sorts of things. It’s a conversation, not a judgment of women. If anything, it is awful for the women, who cannot feel the difference as they are easily deceived.

The solution is simple, have a pre arranged c-section next time. They usually do them a couple of weeks before the due date.

Who knows what the future holds, bereavement, more kids, a second family. It seems controlling to expect him to have the snip if you’re not willing to.

I’m a bit gobsmacked at how many people seem to regard vasectomy as something that can easily be reversed if need be. Yes, you can attempt to reverse it but success is far from guaranteed and it’s not available on the nhs so will be expensive.

Yes YABU. You get sterilised if you don’t want any more children. Or ask for a Caesarean section. Rendering him infertile at his age - vasectomies aren’t always reversible - for your sake is not reasonable. Statistically you’re unlikely to still be together by the age of 30.

its not easily reversed and can be life threatening procedure