To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

[Justmegan]

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again.

Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex.

My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

What reversible procedure are you referring to? I'm not aware of any.

Some of us can imagine that as we've been there and so do know how we'd feel. My husband had a vasectomy. No regrets. We waited until we wouldn't want more in any circumstance.

You must be fucking joking?!

I've been thinking exactly this - the insistence on the vasectomy is not about contraception, but about wanting to "punish" her DP for the damage inflicted on her body during pregnancy. Hence why she's not bothered responding to the very sensible suggestions of getting a Mirena or copper coil.

Your reasoning of why you don't want to be sterilised but you want him to have a vasectomy is utterly selfish and unreasonable. You are BOTH equally responsible for contraception long term or otherwise and both equally capable of being the one to undergo a simple every day procedure that would be far less invasive than another difficult pregnancy resulting in emergency cesarian. Putting this all on him is unreasonable. He can suffer infection and pain too.

That would be a better idea.

@Miajk this is how I feel. Why does all the expectatin and responsibility fall on my body. All this talk of not putting dp through an op he doesn't want but i had to be rushed into an EMC that i didnt want to save our lives. But that's acceptable because I am a woman and I signed up for it becoming pregnant right? If dp is serious about being with me I feel like he should consider it. If he is leaving the door open for someone else then he should tell me as I don't want to marry someone entertaining that possibility. The no sex thing is on him just as much as me

I didn't have a traumatic birth thankfully but I do have all the awful side effects from hormonal contraception and hate condoms. I got the copper IUD in and its been a complete game changer! No hormones, no pregnancy scares and the only real side effects were a slightly heavier period for the first 6 months. You should look into that if your DP isn't ready for a permanent solution

But it’s HER who is adamant she doesn’t want any more children.

My husband had a vasectomy in his late thirties, we’d completed our
family and he suggested having one. The doctor talked to us together and to him separately to make sure he knew what he was doing. Although the procedure was straightforward unfortunately he had complications afterwards including a very bad infection and blood poisoning. You have no right to expect your partner to have a vasectomy and tbh from your post it sounds like your relationship isn’t going to last anyway.

You’ve ignored loads of women saying that the copper coil is non-hormonal and, for the majority of women, there aren’t any issues. It is absolutely disgusting to make a young man go through an irreversible procedure to make him infertile.

If you don’t want to fall pregnant and don’t want to use condoms or the copper coil, then you either have your tubes tied or you let the man go and find someone else.

Also, if you want another baby and it’s big again, then opt for a Caesarian. You have loads of choices regarding contraception.

Why does all the expectatin and responsibility fall on my body

It doesn't; abstinence is also an option, and he's being responsible enough to choose it

As practically everyone else has said, expecting an unmarried man in his 20s to make himself permanently infertile just isn't realistic, so if you can't resolve this with him it may be best to set him free to start again with someone else

The trauma of the birth of your baby has stayed with you. I think this is at the bottom of your difficulties.

I have a few things that will help. You are young, you have time. This is what I would tell my children who are your age.

You love this man, you've had his baby. You want a life together.

Firstly contact the hospital and PALS (within the hospital). You need a birth de-brief, you need to be reassured how your experience of birth could be changed should you ever fall pregnant again.

Also see your GP to ask for appropriate counselling and explore your feelings about this trauma.

In conjunction with the above please go and have a chat to a knowledgeable doctor at your local GUM clinic. They specialise in all areas of sexual health and can advise you well about all the ways to prevent pregnancy should this be your choice.

Armed with these three things, it will help you make sense of what's happened, make clear and informed decisions about your future.

The way you want things to be now may not be the way you'd choose with all the information.

Best wishes and you do have other options.

It’s the OP who doesn’t want any more children, but you seem unable or unwilling to take that on board as it doesn’t fit your argument.

Aside from the obvious (OF COURSE you can’t expect him to alter his body surgically if he doesn’t want to)… it’s really concerning that you see sex in your lives as being for his benefit. If you don’t enjoy sex with this man and just put up with it because you feel like you’re fulfilling his expectations, why are you together??

Unfortunately due to biology that’s how it is really. Women do carry most of the risk. As others have said if it was him trying to force you to have a medical procedure against your will he’d have his arse handed to him. And I know it’s not nice to think about but there is a not insignificant chance that you’ll split up and he’d want another child with w new partner.

he may give in if the only option is abstinence but he may not. I’m not sure if I have missed in your posts why you can’t or won’t have a coil fitted?

He's far too young and not even married yet, who gets the snip for their gf in their 20s? Go and get some counselling over the birth, what happened is common, people go on to have more children via c-section. Who's to say you won't change your mind about having more together or you break up (highly likely in a sexless relationship so young). Whoever he meets will likely want children given his age and their likely age, so nope he shouldn't.

But that's acceptable because I am a woman and I signed up for it becoming pregnant right?
Basically, yes! Do you understand how biology works?

The bottom line is that yes, you did sign up to all the possibilities involved in a pregnancy and birth.

You do not want to out your body through having any more children so you should consider sterilisation for yourself.

If he is leaving the door open for someone else then he should tell me as I don't want to marry someone entertaining that possibility.

it isn't about him entertaining the possibility of divorcing you. There is also the chance that you might leave him through divorce or (god forbid!) death.

I know how scary it can be to be in that position. I almost died giving birth and it was scary. Unfortunately that is how it falls because my body is the one that is capable of carrying and birthing children. It's not his fault, that's human biology. It was terrifying for my husband too who stood by holding our baby while doctors tried to save my life with him watching. He did have a vasectomy after that but it was our 6th baby, so we were ready to let that go.

From what I can see in your posts, you haven't asked your husband about whether he is willing to consider a vasectomy. Have you asked him?

It's hard when you can't agree on something so permanent, but it's not to be rushed into. Can I suggest you get some counselling regarding your birth trauma before you take the step of doing something permanent? For yourself too.

Actually you said it

He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either.

I don't want to get sterilised as the op is alot more invasive and more permanent than a vasectomy.

So you don’t want to use contraception, don’t want to abstain, but also don’t want anything “permanent” (presumably because you are well aware you will probably want more kids later). You want him to have a vasectomy so you are free to have more kids later, with somebody else. Totally unreasonable.

He will most likely source sex elsewhere?
Sounds like you have major trust issues. You’re not even married yet and you’re thinking like that. It doesn’t bode well.

How about you just sit down and have an honest and open conversation with him?

Why don’t you get the injection or go on the pill for a couple of years as a compromise. See how you both feel about another baby then?
If you both decide then you don’t want another then perhaps then he could consider the op.

As many have said it’s not always guaranteed to be reversible.

You can have a c section next time anyway, so don’t worry about difficult future births.

@Justmegan Now swap the sexes

Mumsnet would have a melt down and accuse the man of being selfish and to LTB

Can’t have it both ways in these days of equality which I fully support 👍

Yes, he should. But he won't. He will wait until he has someone lined up. Not saying that doesn't make him a bastard because it does.
You are being unreasonable to stay with him. And also for trying to force a vasectomy on him. He is clearly not done with having children, you can't argue your way away form that fact. It also sounds like you are blaming him for how it went. I nearly died in my first, all but 1 doctor had given up and because of that 1 I am alive and went on to have more with no issues. That wasn't husbands fault though, that is how labour's have gone since the very beginning. Now more women and babies survive. I think you need to work on accepting that as horrible as it was, it is just one of those things that happens.

I don't like condoms, hormonal contraception causes me problems or fails. Completely put off any. The natural planning method worked well (there's a book - you have to do it properly or it doesn't work) before his vasectomy. But he knew we were done and not thinking about a second family.

I think counselling and leaving him should be top of your priority list. Not thinking of ways to manipulate him into having it. You're wasting your time and energy, it is not in your best interests.