To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

[Justmegan]

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again.

Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex.

My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

You're being ridiculous about the copper coil. It seems the obvious answer yet based on one story you're refusing it. People could tell you all sorts of stories about vasectomy gone wrong. The risks with a coil are far less.

In terms of your dislike of condoms...sometimes it is worth a bit of exploration of different brands and sizes. The boots in my area stocks a whole isle of different types...might be worth a bit of exploration before you fully commit to not liking them?

You can abstain.
You could try to find a condom and lube that allow more sensation.
You could use the withdrawal method.
For a broken condom or failed withdrawal you can use the morning after pill.
You could try the coil.
You could try to find a pill or hormonal implant that suits you.
If you do become pregnant you can choose to have an abortion.
Or YOU can be sterilised.

You have a lot of options to protect your body from childbirth, OP. None of them require your current sexual partner to be surgically sterilised at age 27. So what is this really about?

To all intents and purposes a vasectomy is irreversible. An operation can be done to attempt to reverse it but success is limited. No one should have a vasectomy thinking that if they change their mind they’ll have it reversed- they need to be in a place where at that point in time they are certain they will never want to father any more children, whatever the circumstances.

How old is your child OP? It sounds like you had a really awful time and you’re obviously terrified of it happening again. Have you had a proper debrief about the labour and birth ? Have you had any counselling? Maybe having some help to
come to terms with what happened would be useful before making big decisions about the future?

DH got a vasectomy when he was 28. We didn't have children and didn't want any.

He had to go private but they did it. We knew we would never change our minds.

As someone 10 years older in a similar position I still think you are being unreasonable to expect him to get a vasectomy. It takes his choice away completely, if you were to split up or something happen to you he's still young enough to consider more kids, especially if you only have one together.

I know I'm 100% done so I view it as my responsibility to prevent any more kids. I have asked to be sterilised but the NHS won't do it and it's too expensive privately so I'm on the implant. It's perhaps easier for me than you because I don't have an issue with hormonal contraception although not long ago I was in a position where the implant was causing me issues, I was too unreliable for the pill, put off the coil and didn't want to use condom's.

However, even if my husband had a vasectomy, if we split up (which we actually did for a while) I would be back at square one if I ever wanted to form another relationship so the same applies to you also.

Neither of you should go for sterilisation/vasectomy now.
My dad had a vasectomy after 3 babies. My Dsis died and they wanted another child and couldn't..

Way too young.

Tbh - sounds like OP is happy with 1 baby and does not want him to have chance of leaving her in the future and having a family elsewhere- and bring happy as OP is rather selfish and controlling in her language.

I think if this scenario were true (ie they both genuinely don't want any more children) then I would agree too.

But from all of the OPs posts that's not what comes across.

Nowhere has she actually said that he doesn't want more children.

It's all about how traumatic her birth was and reason after reason why she won't use any other method of contraception or even contemplate being sterilised herself.

I actually agree with other posters that I think the OP has ptsd and probably an element of PND.... and I don't say that lightly.

I think her stand point is coming from a place of trauma and fear. In time to come she may well decide she is ready to have another child (or she may not!). But I think deep down she knows this and that's why (quite rightly) she doesn't want sterilisation herself.

But that is wholly unfair to then put that expectation on her partner.

It's also telling that she seems to have convinced herself that he will stray eventually.

It's a very sad situation and I really feel for the OP.

@Justmegan if you are still reading this thread I think that before you make any rash decisions or risk your relationship you would benefit from solo counselling and probably couples therapy too.

His side might also include "I don't want to rule out having more children in the future and she is adamant she doesn't want any more"

I find it sad that you wouldn't be bothered if you never have sex again when you are only in your twenties. Also if I knew that and I was your partner I would probably be considering if I wanted to be with you. Sex is important for many people.

Every post you make is a reason why this is not a reasonable request.

You aren't secure in your relationship. You don't want to have sex. You are clearly dealing with PTSD from a traumatic birth and that is stopping you processing things properly.

You need to deal with your birth trauma (been there) and probably let your body heal more. You won't feel this way forever.

not fair on him or any future partners he might have and want children with

Vasectomies are intended to be ‘permanent’. You are misguided if you think they can be used as ‘temporary’ contraception. They are not always successfully reversed.

It’s not her DOs fault that most contraception is quite rightly dealt with by women. So faking him to have a life changing operation is not fair.

Gosh, different people have different experiences of sex and different bodies. Who knew?!

YABU. Hugely so. My partner and I are roughly the same age as you - me and my youngest both almost died in my last pregnancy - there is no excuse to think you have any say in what he does with his body whatsoever. Hormonal contraceptives disagree with me hugely, one type failed completely and resulted in an unwanted pregnancy which carried its own kind of trauma, and we don't get on well with condoms. There is a non hormonal coil that might work for you (theres horror stories will all contraception) and there are also older methods of contraception that are less popular and slightly less effective but still available such as diaphragms and cervical caps and spermicides.

For me, yes.
I've tried lots of different condoms and they're all uncomfortable. I would rather not have sex than sex with a condom. I have no idea why, but that is genuinely the case for some women.
Agree OP is very unreasonable though.

I love how as a society we think it’s acceptable for women to alter their bodies (hormonal contraception changes your brain chemistry - there’s a great book on this), but for a man to have a reversible and painless procedure it’s unreasonable?

fuck me I will divorce a man who tries to make me take a pill again rather than sort his shit out himself.

If I was him I wouldn't as he's so young and so many relationships fail anyway

While I agree there are other options and that OP has no right to push for her partner to get a vasectomy, abortions are not an easy decision for all women and some do find them incredibly traumatic even when the pregnancy is unwanted. It's really not as easy as a throw away 'oh well you can just get an abortion then'. I am 100000% pro-choice but I also know it's often not an easy choice to make.

Unfortunately yes contraception often falls to women, there are tonnes of options though. If you aren't happy taking any then I'd continue using condoms. I wouldn't be forcing a vasectomy. You don't want to be sterilised, he shouldn't have a permanent solution either. He's young. And may want more children in future. Condoms are a perfectly good non hormonal contraception!

It's amazing how many people on here find it acceptable for a man to undergo surgery and essentially render them permanently infertile and see this as a trivial thing. None of us can really comprehend some of the ways in which our life can potentially change permanently (death of a spouse, death of a child, horrendous breakup) and I don't think any of us can say for sure what we'd want if any of those situatiins arose. I think there's plenty of acceptable and less pernanent options even if you don't get on with hormonal contraception tbh. It's indefensible to ask such a young man to do this tbh. I suspect most doctors would say no anyway tbh

OP - you mention PTSD. Have you considered getting support for this?

I feel that your post/comments highlight many problems in your relationship. Maybe seeing a counsellor separately to your DP would help you?

Of course you can 'ask' someone to get a vasectomy - will the NHS do it, probably not. Will your DP agree, probably not.

A vasectomy is NOT reversible.

Yeah, you can try to reattach the tubes. If you can get a spot on a surgical wait list. And then wait for years. And then wait to see if it's been successful. And wait and see if the testicles are still producing sperm, which can stop after vasectomy.

You're just giving excuses against any goodsuggestions
It sounds that deep down you know your relationship is not going to work but you can't stand the idea of him finding someone else and having more children.