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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

542 replies

Justmegan · 25/12/2022 23:40

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again.

Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex.

My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 26/12/2022 08:04

I find all your posts, the style of your posts, and what you are saying, very odd. Your thought processes and how just because you had a bad birth leads you to some conclusions and assumptions, are very odd.

Sterilise yourself then. I did after ds2 for medical reasons, My diabetic consultant recommended it. Fab. Best thing I ever did.

Or plan to have a 2nd dc, discuss with midwife, ask for c section.

Sort out your own contraception. The no sex thing is just odd.

GoodVibesHere · 26/12/2022 08:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

This!

YABVU

Miajk · 26/12/2022 08:07

BelleMarionette · 26/12/2022 00:17

A vasectomy is permanent. It should not be viewed as reversible, as that is often not successful. If you want reversible contraception, it is not the method to choose.

He is also too young for any surgeon to agree to this procedure.

There are non hormonal contraception options, most notably the copper coil

It's a bit crap though that the woman is expecting to do the pregnancy, birth, contraception - all of it while the man takes no responsibility.

It's pretty pathetic to have seen your partner go through a traumatic birth and be unwilling to even consider a vasectomy - god forbid a man has to do something with his body.

I have the copper coil btw and it's not all rosy! While it's not hormonal it can be far from perfect for some people.

FlamingJingleBells · 26/12/2022 08:10

The op would benefit from post natal therapy and sterilisation. Remember, woman always say 'my body, my choice' then the same applies to men as well. It's his body so therefore his choice & it's really selfish of you to expect him to undergo a similar surgical procedure that you're not willing to consider yourself.

FortSalem86 · 26/12/2022 08:10

crimbocountdown · 26/12/2022 00:03

I dont know how you can say you and your partner make "large children together"......based on having the grand total of 1 child. You could have more children and opt for a c section next time. A vasectomy at your age is extreme

Agreed. My first was nearly 9lb and they got stuck on the way out so opted for a c section for the second. They were only 7lb 13.5oz. Not always a guaranteed.

SeeYouNextTLol · 26/12/2022 08:17

Poor bastard. What a weird person.

GelPens1 · 26/12/2022 08:18

@Justmegan YABU. The copper coil (not hormonal) is your best bet. Your DP isn’t forcing you to get the injection/implant/coil, so you can’t force him to do something he doesn’t want to his body. He has body autonomy. His body isn’t yours. A vasectomy isn’t always reversible and it sounds like he doesn’t want it.

If you don’t want to get pregnant again and don’t want to use hormonal contraception, then you need to either use condoms or get the copper coil. Or why don’t you get your tubes tied if you don’t want to get pregnant again? Or set the man free!!

FortSalem86 · 26/12/2022 08:18

starynight63 · 26/12/2022 00:23

I'm sorry but what dr told you that between you having a baby would be so big that your lives are at risk? Your body carry's a baby that YOU are able to carry, yes they maybe a big baby and you could of had complications but that doesn't mean you can't have more safely. YOU would be choosing not to, I had a 10lb4 babe and I'm 5"4 and small frame but delivered her with no complications or pain relief. Everyone is different, if you want no more children you should tell him that and allow him to choose his own path. If you want more children, then go and speak to a dr about if you'd have a choice for elective c section etc if they're so concerned about the size of baby which would take away the labour complications.
Expecting him to have a vasectomy because you don't like contraception is so unreasonable.

Show quote history

OP is unreasonable but this is a load of rubbish. Plenty of women including myself experience shoulder dystocia during our births. Plenty of women plus babies in the past (and now) die because the baby gets stuck. Stop peddling this untruth. Sounds like you were lucky.

minipie · 26/12/2022 08:18

Sounds like you want him to have the snip as a tit for tat for you having an awful birth.

I’m sorry you had a traumatic time (I did too and it scars you) but you need to take a breath and be fair here.

I have PCOS and have taken Dianette pill for a number of years, it improves PCOS symptoms. Yasmin is another option. Not all hormonal contraception is the same.

Is it unfair that most contraceptive options are based on the woman doing something to their body? Yes. But that’s just the way it is.

I also know several women who were adamant after the birth of their first that they were never ever ever doing it again. They all have at least 2 children now.

FelineTomato · 26/12/2022 08:19

Honestly, your take is one-sided, immature and demanding, and your refusal to meaningfully engage with the comments here kinda confirms that...
This with bells on.
Get some therapy to deal with your traumatic birth experience.
Realise that vasectomies are generally not reversible.
Stop expecting to be able to control someone else’s body.

cinnabongene · 26/12/2022 08:21

Sorry, all I managed to get from your first (and subsequent posts) was me, me, me, me, me! With a side order of me!

Stravaig · 26/12/2022 08:27

It is your body which needs to be protected against any pregnancy with any partner, current or future, therefore it is you who should be sterilised. You and your partner are only mid 20's - it is highly unlikely that you are each others final sexual partner. Affairs, separation, divorce, bereavement, these are all ahead of you, potentially, followed by new sexual partners. Are you going to insist they all get sterilised? It is nonsensical.

Understandably your health worries are at the forefront. However, if any part of you wants this as a means of controlling your partner, of ensuring he cannot have children with anyone else, of keeping him by your side, then you need to be brutally honestly with yourself, because that would be controlling and abusive of you. You cannot surgically sterilise your partner so that they stay with you. He may need to LTB.

Lovemusic33 · 26/12/2022 08:28

I have clicked on YABU.
Its his body, not your decision. You are both very young. What if you were to split and he met someone else? What if you died and he met someone else?

You could chose to get sterilised? It’s your body. I got sterilised last year as I don’t want anymore dc and for medical reasons (can’t take oral contraceptive), that was my choice, no one else’s.

NinjaWarriorCooker · 26/12/2022 08:28

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 00:47

@NeverDropYourMooncup I guess my problem with it all is whilst yes the risk is mine to carry so technically I should be the one to get sterilised I'm still doing that for him for the sake of our sex life. I would quite happily never have sex again. Dp is fine for now, but most likely won't be forever, so I still feel like this all for a cause that I don't care about, just feel like I have to to keep the relationship

If you’d quite happily never have sex again, then don’t get married, don’t let him have a vasectomy.

He will have a vasectomy, you’ll get married and it will end up sexless relationship and break down.

He may want to have children in a future relationship.

Rainbowsparkles29 · 26/12/2022 08:31

His body his choice exactly as we'd be saying as a reverse. Most hormonal contraception is almost as effective as surgical options for either man or woman so if you're that adament that you don't want to get pregnant again then this is a perfectly viable option

Hillary17 · 26/12/2022 08:31

What if you get divorced? Sorry but there’s always a chance and he might want more children in the future. He’d be silly to agree to this. Are you doing anything to get your PCOS under control because if so, there are methods you can try to track ovulation which would drastically reduce chances of pregnancy.

Fadeout83 · 26/12/2022 08:32

Look bottom line is it’s unreasonable to expect him to have one if he doesn’t. Suck it up and use condoms or abstain. Neither of you can force the other to do something they don’t want to so really those are your only two options. Many many women have the coil with zero problems so your reasoning for not getting one based on one experience is unreasonable.

Stunningscreamer · 26/12/2022 08:32

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2022 07:04

I can also tell the difference between condoms and none. When I first found out how common stealthing is, I was surprised to discover a lot of women cannot feel the difference.

Show quote history

Maybe so but would you also say it's worse than no sex at all?

I would think a man who said that would be unreasonable, so I think the same about a woman saying it.

I'm generally very much on a woman's side as I think we do carry a lot of the weight and disadvantages in life but this OP is so unreasonable it's hard to believe.

Fadeout83 · 26/12/2022 08:34

Also why is it predetermined you will have large children if you’re under 5ft? Is he a giant?

FortSalem86 · 26/12/2022 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Who said it has to be hormonal? OP won't use condoms either.

Winterwonderland4 · 26/12/2022 08:35

25+ years ago I was in a similar position, two difficult births and no contraception suited and I was terrified of getting pregnant again. We had a discussion and I felt that if our relationship failed then he might want more children but I categorically wouldn’t. So I got sterilised not him. It was the fairest way. It was done by two tiny incisions and recovery was simple. What it did do was to free our sex life as all the worry of pregnancy was gone and we are still together now

Lovelystuff · 26/12/2022 08:37

Allsnotwell · 26/12/2022 01:03

Are you relying on the NHS for your birth control choices?

Go and see a family planning Norse and look at your options and I would suggest some counseling for your traumatic birth - it’s clearly scared your view of sex.

Norse 🤭

CoteDivoire · 26/12/2022 08:37

My DH visited a GP at 36 about this when we had 2 DC and they were not keen at all., more or less said they wouldn't do it yet. Fast forward 10 years and we still don't want more, but I got a mirena coil which after an initial few weeks has been great. I doubt anyone will do it on a 27 year old with 1 DC

FrangipaniBlue · 26/12/2022 08:48

She never said he would stray, let alone kept on saying it.*

I read all OP's posts before I responded. I know exactly what the situation is, I am able to read and comprehend. Unlike others it seems.*

Erm..... if you really had read them and were able to comprehend then you'd know the OP has said FOUR TIMES that she doesn't think her partner with happily abstain forever and "will likely go elsewhere" .....

Bubbles222 · 26/12/2022 08:52

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 00:03

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams what are the alternatives? Either way it seems like the only option is to end this and remain single until I find a sterile man which is ridiculous

Or you could stop saying no to everything that has been suggested and at least try/research into them things first before straight up saying no, it is not fully just down to the man.
You both need to protect your self's in this situation and there is defientlty options for you tooHmm