Parents demanding we test

[BlackFlyChardonnay]

Right, so I'm really annoyed by this but could be being unreasonable so I'm here for your unbiased opinions.

Supposed to be going to my parents tomorrow for Christmas lunch. This is the first year for ages due to covid restrictions and my dad being clinically vulnerable and they are always quite nervous about catching germs.

Back story: My dad gets a medical every year. 7 years ago they said his prostate was enlarged compared to the previous year. Investigated it, found some cancerous cells and managed to remove them fully there and then. Didn't need radiotherapy or chemo thankfully, caught and dealt with very quickly. However, ever since covid he is very nervous as this medical history makes him ECV. He is more worried about covid than any other illness. They've both avoided catching it so far.

So we haven't seen them at Christmas for years but they invited us over this year. We've been liasing for weeks over arrangements. Today at 3.30pm I get a WhatsApp saying "looking forward to seeing you all. Please send us a photo of each of your negative covid tests."

First time they've mentioned this. I've got no tests in the house and don't really fancy now driving to go buy some. It is Christmas eve, my husband works in retail and this is his first day off in 9 days. We are all in our Christmas pyjamas and were about to watch a movie and enjoy our family time. I also don't want to force my kids (3, 5, 8) to do tests. Nothing ruins the Christmas atmosphere like restraining your 3 year old to do a nasal swab.

Maybe I should've anticipated this but this is the first they've said of it and it's just not been on my radar. None of us feel ill. Theyve also not asked us to do tests when we have visited them throughout the majority of this year (they did previously, when everyone was testing before mixing). Theyve also been on 2 cruises this year, gone to the theatre etc, so aren't generally isolating themselves any more.

I know my parents and know they will tell us not to come without proof we are negative.

What would you do??

I would stay at home. I think asking for a photo is cheeky as fuck, as is asking so late. Honestly, I would rather be relaxing in my own home even if we had freezer food. We all like fish fingers and everything for Christmas dinner will be there on boxing day, do you don't need to miss out.

I've just finally tested negative of having covid for 9 days and wiped out completely now. I had no symptoms till I woke up and had huge pains so tested and was positive.

They sound even worse after your update. Your Dad has had 3 years to do the ONE thing that would improve his health massively and lose weight. But no, he's not bothered to do that as it's so much easier to make others inconvenience themselves to protect him from his own lifestyle choices. And your mothers a nasty piece of work too.

Nah, I'd not be up for any of that nonsense. Sausage and chips sounds absolutely delicious to me!

Merry Christmas everyone.

38% think I'm being unreasonable so that is a fair chunk.

I phoned mum last night and she was really angry with me, her main anger is that I dont have a stockpile of tests and that this shows that i haven't been testing before each time ive seen them (they haven't asked me to, but she says they shouldn't have to. She said "this is typical of you to be so irresponsible" which i can't really argue with, as I haven't been testing.) Apparently they have trusted me to test all 5 of us each and every time we have mixed since 2020 and I have massively breached their trust now they know that hasn't happened.

I said that I thought they had relaxed their stance, and gave the cruises as an example. She replied that everyone had to test before boarding and show proof. I said about Toby carvery and she again said that the times we'd been with them, she'd expected we had been testing and this is why photographic proof is needed because I'm dishonest!

I got upset but said I think she is being unfair and that covid isn't the only bug around. I said husband and me tested and are negative. She ended the call saying she's really angry and needs to calm down and that her Christmas is ruined.

She later sent me a message saying that, as we have now tested, we are welcome to come for dinner and she will put aside my behaviour until the new year.... then a second message saying, please post photos of all 5 negative tests before you arrive.

I have replied saying although we are covid negative, I have a bad head so might be coming down with another bug so will stay away so as to not make them ill.

She has replied saying that is for the best and they will not offer to host Christmas again as this has been too much stress for them at their age. (They are 69 and 72 by the way, I think someone asked).

I do still have a headache and also a scratchy throat but it could be because I didn't sleep well.

I just feel a bit deflated. Kids have opened presents but aren't actually upset they're not going to grandparents. They've asked if they can stay in pyjamas all day, which they definitely couldn't do at my parent's house as it's considered unhygienic.

My sister has sent me passive aggressive WhatsApp. She's at her inlaws this year and has messaged saying "i thought i could go away and enjoy myself without having to worry about mum and dad for once but obviously not! So thanks for that. Merry Christmas"

My husband has just raised his eyebrows and said nothing, but the eyes are clearly saying "batshit".

Anyway, we will have a nice day and I think I will massively reduce contact with them in the new year. I always feel like a massive disappointment to them all.

Have a lovely relaxed day at home OP. Your parents are BU.

Fair enough to ask for tests if they're worried. But the timing was terrible and now they're moving all sorts of goalposts to make you look like the baddies. Sod that!

I’m with your husband and his facial expressions they are batshit. Have a nice day x

I can’t help but feel you’re being gas lighted and manipulated into thinking you’re the one in the wrong.

Im sorry but if thIs was my parents I would go no contact. NOT because of this situation but I have a feeling they are highly manipulative other times as well.

They are insane and controlling - they are using tests as a way of controlling you, they go to restaurants ffs.

you’ve not done anything wrong. It sounds like it’s time to start sticking up for yourself. Your mum is belittling and condescending. And she’s making out you’re in the wrong YOU’RE NOT.

38% said your unreasonable not to want to test - the thread has moved on way further from that, it’s now about your mothers treatment of you which is disgusting.

Ah this reminds me of all the posts where people consider everyone else to be 'virus ridden' and them to be saintly clean.

Well now you know what they think and you can have a relaxing Christmas every year doing what you want.

Completely agree with @Lenald

So sorry they're treating you so badly Op, especially at Christmas time. Hope you have a lovely chilled day at home.

Aww I'm sorry this has happened. They are being v unreasonable in my opinion and so is your sister. What a shame. I hope you all have a nice day. xx

I think we’ve all been collectively gaslit about covid a bit - you can see it on this thread.

Continual testing just in case being “the least you can do” and “such a small thing to keep everyone healthy” - it costs money, takes time, is frankly a horrible process and I object to being told time and again it’s nothing when it makes me sneeze/retch every time! And doing it to kids is just the worst.

I have tested many many times and guess what, it did take time, it was unpleasant and yes I have always resented having to do it! So the smug “can’t you even do that for your loved ones” thing just does my head in. There’s lots of things we could do for our loved ones that are unpleasant and annoying but as a rule we avoid them!

Have a relaxing Christmas day, OP! I'm sorry your Christmas Eve wasn't nice, but it sounds like today will be. You don't need this negativity. It sounds like going low contact is a good solution. Maybe they'll learn something...
And your sister is unreasonable. It's not your responsibility (or hers) to keep your parents company. Also they have each other anyway.
I was careful about COVID and never broke the rules but I don't test now unless I'm asked. And I wouldn't test children in your shoes. If you're negative and they're well I'd assume that's fine. Ify children feel unwell I just don't mix with people (unless they're ok with it). So many other nasty bugs around this winter...

They’ve been on a cruise but won’t see family without a test?

Your husband is right to be thinking ‘batshit’.

Your DH sounds wonderful as does his eyebrows!

Bloody hell. Lateral Flow tests have never been designed to completely rule out covid infection, in fact it is well known that the sensitivity/specificity is a bit shit and by the time you have a positive LF you are probably very symptomatic and have already been infecting everyone without knowing it before you got symptoms.
Yes they are reliable if positive but a negative test does not rule out covid (I'm talking LF not PCR). I'm another one who thinks there are so many people who have been duped into believing that LF tests are somehow going to magically stop the spread of covid...
There is a lot of Flu around at the moment and personally i'd be far more concerned about that than covid. As a previous poster said your parents should have had all their vaccines now, to insist on family members taking tests prior to seeing them while simultaneously going to the theatre, regular restaurant meals and on cruises is utterly batshit and your Mum's text messages to you were vile!
Hope you manage to have a decent day with your husband and kids and I hope your parents and sister have an apology ready for you xx

This has all really escalated. Everyone to blame in part I think. Clearly your parents thought you were testing before you saw them previously, which would have been the right thing for you guys to do. At the same time the Xmas eve "show me the photos" was very unreasonable. I would be frank with your mother and tell her that due to her behaviour you won't be hosting them at all for future events and would be grateful if she didn't contact you about future gatherings at theirs given how unreasonable she has been this year. Ho ho ho , Merry Christmas!

Im sorry but they sound awful and do not deserve to spend time with their grandkids this Xmas. How are people still LFT'ing with any regularity and expecting others to go along with the same is beyond me...and yet, they cruise and visit carverys and think these places are more hygienic then their own family....seriously?!...your sister can do one too. Nice, rational people capable of reasoning and thinking critically do not do these things. Enjoy your xmas. ❤

So when she goes to the Toby Carvery, does she think all the staff and other customers have tested? Or when she's on a cruise, does she genuinely believe that every time the ship docks and people go off for the day, that they are testing when they get back on board (not that it would help since covid incubates before showing as positive on a test)?
I suspect not - she's just got a bee in her bonnet for no good reason.

You weren't being irresponsible to not test before ever visiting - she never had that conversation with you. I think I agree with the pp who said they are gaslighting you!

If my sibling was stupid enough to send me a text line your sister's, they'd be told to fuck right off. You honestly haven't done anything wrong - your family sounds very hostile.

I think future distance is the way forward tbh. If your sister thinks this is acceptable, then let her deal with them going forward.

This is ridiculous and you do NOT have any blame at all! The whole 'I thought you were testing everytime' is bollocks. And the flying monkey of your sister can do one, they've obviously had lots of fun bitching about you!

This.

They're not worth it!

OP, now is the time to set some boundaries with them. Your DM is obviously wanting to 'punish' you, her comment that she'll deal with it in the new year means she wants you to feel shit about it all over Christmas.
Don't dance to her tune, just get on with your Christmas, see the IL's and ignore her nasty messages. She's obviously spoiling for a fight but don't give her one.

So sorry op, horrible incident.

I think it wouldn't be impossible to move on from the whole testing thing, but there are some undertones in here that are not on.

This suggestion that you are dishonest, unreliable and that your sister also sees you as someone who let's the side down are horrid.

I think you should give that more thought and see if that is a thing. And decide how you feel about it and what you might do.

They are batshit if they think testing before a cruise meant everyone was 'safe'.

I have been on a cruise and it's stupid to think that given all the excursions throughout which needed NO testing.

You should use this as a wake up call to how they treat you and realise it's just another thing to blame you for. Hopefully you will now realise that what you thought was normal family behaviour isn't and your sister blaming you just means that they prefer you to suck it up so they don't have to.

There's a certain type of person who wants special attention and fuss for being CEV and you've not given it to them. My MiL was all ooh, can't go for coffee, can't go to the shops, I have asthma (mild!!) and yet magically decided a 3-hour hair appointment every 8 weeks was fine. Guess where she eventually caught it.

I hope your Christmas gift is the true realisation that your parents (and your sister) are completely fucking batshit mad.

That doesnt mean you wont love them, or care for them, or jump through their hoops sometimes - but just know from this day forth any opinion they have about you, whether its that you're inconsiderate, unreasonable etc is all total shite.

It's the greatest gift of all - go forth and give no fucks from this day on.

Merry Christmas