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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents demanding we test

158 replies

BlackFlyChardonnay · 24/12/2022 15:49

Right, so I'm really annoyed by this but could be being unreasonable so I'm here for your unbiased opinions.

Supposed to be going to my parents tomorrow for Christmas lunch. This is the first year for ages due to covid restrictions and my dad being clinically vulnerable and they are always quite nervous about catching germs.

Back story: My dad gets a medical every year. 7 years ago they said his prostate was enlarged compared to the previous year. Investigated it, found some cancerous cells and managed to remove them fully there and then. Didn't need radiotherapy or chemo thankfully, caught and dealt with very quickly. However, ever since covid he is very nervous as this medical history makes him ECV. He is more worried about covid than any other illness. They've both avoided catching it so far.

So we haven't seen them at Christmas for years but they invited us over this year. We've been liasing for weeks over arrangements. Today at 3.30pm I get a WhatsApp saying "looking forward to seeing you all. Please send us a photo of each of your negative covid tests."

First time they've mentioned this. I've got no tests in the house and don't really fancy now driving to go buy some. It is Christmas eve, my husband works in retail and this is his first day off in 9 days. We are all in our Christmas pyjamas and were about to watch a movie and enjoy our family time. I also don't want to force my kids (3, 5, 8) to do tests. Nothing ruins the Christmas atmosphere like restraining your 3 year old to do a nasal swab.

Maybe I should've anticipated this but this is the first they've said of it and it's just not been on my radar. None of us feel ill. Theyve also not asked us to do tests when we have visited them throughout the majority of this year (they did previously, when everyone was testing before mixing). Theyve also been on 2 cruises this year, gone to the theatre etc, so aren't generally isolating themselves any more.

I know my parents and know they will tell us not to come without proof we are negative.

What would you do??

OP posts:
FixItUpChappie · 24/12/2022 16:21

I would not be able to say nothing about the picture request which is very rude - but then I can have a sharp tongue

Lenald · 24/12/2022 16:23

This is ridiculous. Unless you’re going to test for every other common virus it’s completely unnecessary.

some people are still conditioned to be worried about this. I would mention the cruises and tell them tests are neither recommended or necessary any more. Not only that but I don’t have any. I certainly would not make my children test.

I think you’re well within your right to be a bit pissed off it they don’t want you round after this.

MrsC1988 · 24/12/2022 16:26

My friends parents have literally just messaged for this exact thing. No medical history and she screen shot 2 different negative tests off the internet and will send this. Whether right or wrong I think there has to be a level of understanding that it's Xmas eve and most places will now be closed.

Christmascracker0 · 24/12/2022 16:37

I don’t think it’s surprising or unreasonable (or controlling!) for them to ask you to test given your dad is CEV and there’s a lot of germs going around just now. I think you would be unreasonable to refuse it tbh.

Boots will be open until 6pm and the supermarkets at least 6pm, if not later.

Lenald · 24/12/2022 16:41

Christmascracker0 · 24/12/2022 16:37

I don’t think it’s surprising or unreasonable (or controlling!) for them to ask you to test given your dad is CEV and there’s a lot of germs going around just now. I think you would be unreasonable to refuse it tbh.

Boots will be open until 6pm and the supermarkets at least 6pm, if not later.

Unless they are isolating and also requesting tests for influenza it’s utterly pointless.

Plumbear2 · 24/12/2022 16:54

I visit vulnerable relatives, I always test beforehand as do my teenagers. It common sense to just do it.

Original poster
BlackFlyChardonnay · 24/12/2022 16:57

OK well this not the Christmas eve id hoped for. My husband stopped the film and is driving to superdrug to buy tests as, in his words, the Vein in my forehead is visibly pulsating with stress, I'm clearly not enjoying the film so we might as well test to not have this hanging over our heads.

Mum has seen my message and not replied.

OP posts:
Quveas · 24/12/2022 17:00

If they can go on two cruises, which have always been infection central even before Covid, then they can see family / believe them without photo's on Christmas day. Persoannly I'd have said I wasn't going.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 24/12/2022 17:05

We followed the instructions last year and tested on Christmas morning- oldest teen DC tested positive but with no symptoms. Ruined the day so stressful and for absolutely no reason. Never again will I subject my family to this.

HermioneWeasley · 24/12/2022 17:10

I can see why since they haven’t asked you to test for other visits during the year and they have been on cruises which are absolutely transmission hot beds for any illness, you’re surprised at the request tonight.

hopefully your husband will be able to find some tests and everyone will be negative

SalviaOfficinalis · 24/12/2022 17:13

I wouldn’t send them photographic evidence, that’s completely bizarre.

If they don’t trust you to tell you the truth about testing then you probably shouldn’t be having Christmas together

Proudofitbabe · 24/12/2022 17:15

Very unreasonable to ask you so late, and just plain weird to ask family for the photographic proof. Wtf. I'd be tempted to refuse that on principle!

Plumbear2 · 24/12/2022 17:18

BlackFlyChardonnay · 24/12/2022 16:57

OK well this not the Christmas eve id hoped for. My husband stopped the film and is driving to superdrug to buy tests as, in his words, the Vein in my forehead is visibly pulsating with stress, I'm clearly not enjoying the film so we might as well test to not have this hanging over our heads.

Mum has seen my message and not replied.

It's not a hardship. I imagine the stress you would give your parents if you refuse would be 100 times worse.

Aleaiactaest · 24/12/2022 17:18

just call up and tell them you don’t have any tests…. Then wait and see on the call if you will be out shopping for food later.

they sound like the typical entitled baby boomers but sadly their generation has been brainwashed by Covid.

the general flu and strep A this year is far worse where I live than Covid so it is a red herring

dolor · 24/12/2022 17:20

Oh FFS

The amount of people being shit about this is ridiculous. This is EXACTLY why you should have a set of tests on hand if you are going to visit vulnerable family members.

You're being massively unreasonable to be upset about this given you know the situation with your parents, it's your own fault. You absolutely should have anticipated this. It doesn't matter what else they've done this year, they're asking you to test now, and you need to do it. It's that simple.

Aleaiactaest · 24/12/2022 17:20

Unfortunately many old people are more like children so best to treat them as such and not get too disappointed (for your own and your own children’s sake). Many over the age of 70- a switch flicks and you need to treat them with compassion.

Fenella123 · 24/12/2022 17:22

On the upside OP your DH has your back, bless him!

PingPongMerrilyWithPie · 24/12/2022 17:25

"The photographic proof thing is weird, isn't it? I mean it's not shocking behaviour for them, but objectively it is a weird thing to ask of immediate family, isn't it? I can't imagine not taking someone's word for it."

Yes, I think this would upset me. The unapologetic lack of trust.

AtomicBlondeRose · 24/12/2022 17:27

It’s just ridiculous when half the people I know are currently ill with colds/flu-type illnesses/chest infections which aren’t covid! Why is it so essential to tiptoe around people who are scared of covid and why does a negative covid test give you the solid-gold all-clear certificate of cleanliness and health? It’s one possible illness out of many that are out there and we don’t test for those every time we set foot in someone else’s house.

carpool · 24/12/2022 17:27

your FIL is not CEV even if he thinks he is unless he has other health issues you haven't mentioned. A past history of prostate cancer which has been successfully treated is just that - history. I presume he is not on ongoing treatment? My husband on the other hand has incurable prostate cancer and is on medication for life. We haven't even thought about him being CEV and see family regularly, don't wear masks and don't make unreasonable demands. We have both been jabbed to within an inch of our lives against flu and covid any way. Maybe if you haven't been to them for Christmas for years there is a reason for that and perhaps they are regretting inviting you after all and are looking for an excuse to put you off!

AtomicBlondeRose · 24/12/2022 17:29

@PingPongMerrilyWithPie and the photo proves…nothing! Except that they have tested negative for covid at that one exact moment in time. They could be half dead of diphtheria or merrily waking about with asymptomatic flu, like everyone else at the Toby Carvery, theatre or cruise ship, but no, the holy talisman of the negative test must be held aloft before the threshold can be crossed. Ludicrous.

MintyFreshOne · 24/12/2022 17:29

Good lord, they’ve been on cruises and have been dining out.

I’d put my foot down tbh, do you really want to go through this ritual year after year?

Theluggage15 · 24/12/2022 17:30

dolor · 24/12/2022 17:20

Oh FFS

The amount of people being shit about this is ridiculous. This is EXACTLY why you should have a set of tests on hand if you are going to visit vulnerable family members.

You're being massively unreasonable to be upset about this given you know the situation with your parents, it's your own fault. You absolutely should have anticipated this. It doesn't matter what else they've done this year, they're asking you to test now, and you need to do it. It's that simple.

Do you struggle with reading comprehension? They go on cruises and to Toby Carvery, they’re clearly not that bothered and what sort of weirdos ask for photographic evidence? No one I know tests or gives covid any more thought than a cold or flu.

cptartapp · 24/12/2022 17:33

Cruises you say? Without a mask?
I wouldn't be going.

ImAvingOops · 24/12/2022 17:33

No normal person asks their own daughter for photographic proof! Instead of buying tests, your dh would be better off going to Sainsbury's and buying some dinner for tomorrow so you all can stay home!
Remind your mother that she has been on cruises and the Toby Carvery and is being a twat.