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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents demanding we test

158 replies

BlackFlyChardonnay · 24/12/2022 15:49

Right, so I'm really annoyed by this but could be being unreasonable so I'm here for your unbiased opinions.

Supposed to be going to my parents tomorrow for Christmas lunch. This is the first year for ages due to covid restrictions and my dad being clinically vulnerable and they are always quite nervous about catching germs.

Back story: My dad gets a medical every year. 7 years ago they said his prostate was enlarged compared to the previous year. Investigated it, found some cancerous cells and managed to remove them fully there and then. Didn't need radiotherapy or chemo thankfully, caught and dealt with very quickly. However, ever since covid he is very nervous as this medical history makes him ECV. He is more worried about covid than any other illness. They've both avoided catching it so far.

So we haven't seen them at Christmas for years but they invited us over this year. We've been liasing for weeks over arrangements. Today at 3.30pm I get a WhatsApp saying "looking forward to seeing you all. Please send us a photo of each of your negative covid tests."

First time they've mentioned this. I've got no tests in the house and don't really fancy now driving to go buy some. It is Christmas eve, my husband works in retail and this is his first day off in 9 days. We are all in our Christmas pyjamas and were about to watch a movie and enjoy our family time. I also don't want to force my kids (3, 5, 8) to do tests. Nothing ruins the Christmas atmosphere like restraining your 3 year old to do a nasal swab.

Maybe I should've anticipated this but this is the first they've said of it and it's just not been on my radar. None of us feel ill. Theyve also not asked us to do tests when we have visited them throughout the majority of this year (they did previously, when everyone was testing before mixing). Theyve also been on 2 cruises this year, gone to the theatre etc, so aren't generally isolating themselves any more.

I know my parents and know they will tell us not to come without proof we are negative.

What would you do??

OP posts:
Lividity · 24/12/2022 21:13

Ugh I’m sorry.

They sound vile.

The answer is to do what will make you and your family happiest tomorrow.

Flossiemoss · 24/12/2022 21:14

They like the drama don’t they?
do what you want to do. Sounds like There’ll be an atmosphere anyway so you may as well do the thing that suits you best.

Mumteedum · 24/12/2022 21:15

Balls to that stress. I wouldn't go. How can you have a jolly time after getting that message? Their fears may be reasonable but the message to you certainly isn't.

Sorry @BlackFlyChardonnay.@ It's not nice at all.

Blondlashes · 24/12/2022 21:15

They sound very controlling.
My DF had prostate cancer and radiotherapy. He’s never mentioned a think about being CEV.
Gets on with his life.
As are your parents in many risky ways eg Cruise.
This indicates it’s less about being sick and more about an OCD/control issue.
It’s your choice. But it’s likely to lead to more controlling behavior if you comply with this.

Readaboutyourself · 24/12/2022 21:18

What a couple of drama llamas. If they felt so strongly they should have mentioned it earlier.

Bless your OH & sorry you have this daft stress on Xmas Eve

CakeWarrior · 24/12/2022 21:20

I would quite simply text back

You are happy to go on cruises and the theatre but at the drop of a hat on christmas eve you expect me to find tests for everyone without giving me the opportunity to make sure i had some beforehand. With the way you are speaking to me in your messages I would prefer to stay home with the family tomorrow instead if being in a household being spoken too like that. Hope you enjoy your day."

demotedreally · 24/12/2022 21:21

Urg. Sorry op. Sausages it is!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/12/2022 21:22

I’d be inclined to send a pic of the tests and tell them to stick their Christmas

Feetupteashot · 24/12/2022 21:24

Phone them and talk about it

Original poster
BlackFlyChardonnay · 24/12/2022 21:24

I've honestly got such a stress headache 😩 my main upset is that the kids were so excited about spending Christmas with them. For all their faults, they do a great Christmas and really spoil the kids etc. Kids all asleep so ill have a Snowball and think on it.

OP posts:
parsniiips · 24/12/2022 21:25

I would tell them to do one.

If they are happy to go out socialising and to events without a mask or the ability to see tests from people they come into contact with, they shouldn't be asking this of you, especially not at that time on Christmas Eve.

The day will be shit with a horrible atmosphere now thanks to them so I'd be inclined to stay at home.

monsteronahill · 24/12/2022 21:25

Honestly OP they sound barmy and quite controlling from your update - I wouldn't be happy to be receiving messages like that from anyone!

They are clearly picking and choosing when they want to apply these Covid-19 restrictions to their lives, barely anyone is keeping stocks of tests to do in their houses anymore (in my circle anyway!) and photographic proof is so OTT, surely they trust you?

I'd steer clear of the drama and have a relaxing day at home.

zestysparkles · 24/12/2022 21:31

Oh you poor thing, this is not what you need on Christmas eve. Your parents sound really unreasonable.

Mariposista · 24/12/2022 21:31

BlackFlyChardonnay · 24/12/2022 21:08

OK. Thanks for responses.

I'll answer a few questions before updating.

Foodwise - I'm not too stressed as I've got lots in. Weve got inlaws coming boxing day and I was doing a beef Wellington with all the Christmas accompaniments. I've got enough food that I can make a roast dinner tomorrow but with sausages or something instead of turkey.

History of them not trusting me/being controlling - I've never been or acted dishonest or given them reason to think I would lie. I don't know if they're controlling. My husband thinks they're batshit but I think his family are weird, so 🤷‍♀️
I can recall 2 previous occasions where they asked for photographic proof of negative tests. I can't remember exactly when, but the first time was when you could have gatherings of more than 6 outdoors. They invited family over for a garden party for their anniversary and asked on group WhatsApp just before. Me and husband were a bit shocked/outraged at being asked for photographs, but before we had even stopped being outraged, other family members were happily posting photos of their negative tests! So we thought maybe we were the unreasonable ones. I recall mentioning it to a friend at the time and her thinking it weird, but my sister couldn't see the big deal.

They aren't controlling as such, but they definitely try to baby me and my sister and still treat us like kids, with me in particular they tend to treat me like I'm incompetent/a bit silly and need their help to function. They are also weird about germs and have got worse with age. One example - i went shopping with my mum and my youngest. DD had a ride on one of those £1 ride things they have in supermarkets. My mum was disgusted that I'd let my daughter go one and was cleaning her hands after. DD got ill (completely unrelated in my mind) about a week later and both my parents blamed me being so reckless letting her go on the ride.

ECV query - I don't know. They are very over the top about health things. I doubt there's anything healthwise they're not telling me because they are very vocal about their poor health (nothing significant besides the cancer - but they dwell on things that I think most people would take in their stride.) For example, my dad had an infected toenail that didn't respond to the first lot of antibiotics and they gave him a second course that apparently came from Germany. This was very traumatic for him and this story has now changed over the years to the point where he nearly lost his toe and these antibiotics were flown in especially for him and the doctors had never seen anything like it etc. This was about 25 years ago and he still talks about it. He also had tennis elbow decades ago and still refuses to shake hands with people in case it flares up. And he calls it a nerve condition now, but it was definitely tennis elbow at the time because I remember saying "you don't play tennis though".
He's had 4 jabs as far as I know. He has said he's ECV because he's had cancer. He is also obese, so maybe that could contribute?

That was long, sorry.

The update: me and husband have tested and - surprise surprise - we are negative. Not bothering to test the kids now as looks like we probably won't go.

Before my husband got back, my mum phoned me. I missed the call (phone on silent) and she then sent a series of WhatsApp messages saying:

Answer your phone name.

Your father and I are very disappointed that you are not taking covid19 seriously when you know very well it could be deadly for either one of us.

I can't believe you don't even have any tests, that absolutely beggars belief.

this is very inconsiderate and selfish of you.

Call me immediately.

I've not replied or called back. Husband says balls in my court but clearly thinks they're unreasonable. I don't know what to do.

How upsetting for youOP being spoken to like that. You aren’t selfish. You’re normal. I don’t and would never test either so why would I have them? Less still for a child.

PingPongMerrilyWithPie · 24/12/2022 21:33

It's a horrible decision to have to make. There's no good answer, you're only looking for the least worst so no need to beat yourself up about tomorrow not being perfect. That ship already sailed as a result of her behaviour.

byebye2022 · 24/12/2022 21:42

Husband is CEV as has cancer. We spent 9 months stuck in the house at the start. However, I work in a school, and had to go back. I remember being terrified I would bring covid home to him. However, we are all jabbed up and he caught covid last month for first time. Was nasty and he had to go into hospital and get antivirals on day one. Me and eldest also caught it.
However, we hadn't been testing for ages and only tested as he was unwell.
I think your parents are being unreasonable but maybe it's because of the little ones and it's back in the news again. It's definitely spreading again.
I would just do the test and go. I think have a conversation after Christmas, tonight is not the night to make a stand. But that's just my thoughts

MintyFreshOne · 24/12/2022 21:49

Good lord. Covid has really made some people go mad.

Pre-2020 people would happily gather without a second thought to any diseases they might catch.

I’m sorry to see your update. I would hope they could at least apologise for their behaviour (blame the fear going around) but seems it won’t be forthcoming 😢

Mrsmch123 · 24/12/2022 21:54

Yeh that's a bit much. I would have emailed you a negative test to save the picture and send over to them had I seen your post earlier🙈if they a tripple jagged they will be fine. It's all just a bit much if you ask me🤷🏻‍♀️

UsingChangeofName · 24/12/2022 22:13

I am so sorry they have acted this way.

I do like @CakeWarrior 's reply at 21:20 but do also understand that the dc are looking forward to seeing them.

Clearly your parents ABVeryU to suddenly demand you test when they have been happy to see you without tests up until now.
They are also BVU to demand you test when they are going for weekly pub meals, and to the theatre.
The idea of going on a cruise if you are the slightest bit worried about covid anymore is just ridiculous.
Do do it whilst claiming you are ECV beggars belief.

It think it is perfectly normal not to have tests in the house. I doubt if many people do anymore unless you need them for your job.

I also think it very sad that they think they need to demand photos of tests from you.
If they needed you to test (which is very questionable IMO) then they both should have mentioned that a lot earlier, and obviously should have been asking you to do that continually since tests first came out.

Wheredoallthepensgo · 24/12/2022 23:36

Your Dad's history as you've listed does NOT make him CEV (unless there's something else you haven't mentioned).
If they are prone to exaggerating health claims like this, do you really want to pander to it?

Stopthebusplease · 24/12/2022 23:54

OMG! No wonder some people end up hating Christmas. There have been so many threads on MN over the last few days about people making batshit, last minute demands. What is it about this ONE day of the year that makes people lose their marbles? There have been times when I've regretted living a long distance away from my family, which makes getting together hard, but having read all these posts, I'm more than happy to be spending a quiet Christmas alone this year.

LaLaLouella · 24/12/2022 23:59

They are totally in the wrong here- how dare they cause you stress like this on Christmas Eve. If they've been off in cruises and the like then they have lost the right to demand you do jack shit.

Stay home tomorrow, have a lovely day with your DH and kids, tell your DPs they are out of order.

Pastash · 25/12/2022 00:06

I'm totally missing the point here but treated prostate cancer does not make you CEV at all.
I get they might be more cautious but it's not as if he is immunosuppressed.

Patap · 25/12/2022 00:08

@Wheredoallthepensgo

You beat me to it! Agreed very odd

They can still want to be cautious about Covid of course, but frankly this year you're more likely to infect them with flu anyway and there isn't a widely available instant test for that!

If you all feel well then there shouldn't be a problem.

bluetongue · 25/12/2022 02:23

I think you should compromise by going for a set period of time (for the kids) and make them promise to be on their best behaviour. It goes without saying that if it wasn’t for the kids a ruining their excitement it would be a big fat no.

There are some Covid drama llamas in my life and they’re exhausting. My own sister even told me I was selfish for going on a holiday and ‘not thinking about others’ (I.e. complete strangers). Obviously her own holidays are fine …