Parents demanding we test

[BlackFlyChardonnay]

Right, so I'm really annoyed by this but could be being unreasonable so I'm here for your unbiased opinions.

Supposed to be going to my parents tomorrow for Christmas lunch. This is the first year for ages due to covid restrictions and my dad being clinically vulnerable and they are always quite nervous about catching germs.

Back story: My dad gets a medical every year. 7 years ago they said his prostate was enlarged compared to the previous year. Investigated it, found some cancerous cells and managed to remove them fully there and then. Didn't need radiotherapy or chemo thankfully, caught and dealt with very quickly. However, ever since covid he is very nervous as this medical history makes him ECV. He is more worried about covid than any other illness. They've both avoided catching it so far.

So we haven't seen them at Christmas for years but they invited us over this year. We've been liasing for weeks over arrangements. Today at 3.30pm I get a WhatsApp saying "looking forward to seeing you all. Please send us a photo of each of your negative covid tests."

First time they've mentioned this. I've got no tests in the house and don't really fancy now driving to go buy some. It is Christmas eve, my husband works in retail and this is his first day off in 9 days. We are all in our Christmas pyjamas and were about to watch a movie and enjoy our family time. I also don't want to force my kids (3, 5, 8) to do tests. Nothing ruins the Christmas atmosphere like restraining your 3 year old to do a nasal swab.

Maybe I should've anticipated this but this is the first they've said of it and it's just not been on my radar. None of us feel ill. Theyve also not asked us to do tests when we have visited them throughout the majority of this year (they did previously, when everyone was testing before mixing). Theyve also been on 2 cruises this year, gone to the theatre etc, so aren't generally isolating themselves any more.

I know my parents and know they will tell us not to come without proof we are negative.

What would you do??

@BlackFlyChardonnay I'd just test you and DH.
Not the kids.
Do you have a back-up plan? Not sure what time shops shut if you need food.

Maybe they have been reading MN where posters have been advising others to lie about doing tests or the test results even where there are very vulnerable relatives involved.

Rates are high at the moment, were the cruises in the summer or in areas where rates are low? Were they spooked by the news the other day where it was advising not to visit people over Christmas if ill

The testing guidelines changed about a month ago in our area for people with my Dh’s health status. It wasn’t just people with the health status that were informed, it was on the news. Testing required before visiting again. Since I live with DH I have to wear an N95 mask every time I leave the house since I can’t realistically test that often. DH never stopped masking

if I were your parents, I wouldn’t have left it to you to keep informed. I would have called a week ahead and made sure you had your tests ready. They aren’t just making this up though.

Did they ask everyone else in the Toby Carvery, or on the cruises to test?

If not then I wouldn’t agree. I don’t consent to my children having medical tests done on them that aren’t in their own best interests.

Utter nonsense. I would be making other plans....people have truly lost the plot.

I don't understand why your father is ECV. Makes no sense. DH has grade 1 prostate cancer and has never been told he's ECV. They have removed all your DF's cancerous cells and he's not had/having chemo.

I don’t necessarily disagree with them wanting people to be well before visiting however, their lack of trust and the fact they have sprung that on you effectively last minute would piss me right off.
Do they have a history of being quite controlling/domineering Op?

Agreed, I was reading the rationale for him being CEV and literally said out loud 'no, that makes no sense'. Either they've misunderstood, his clinician was rather overzealous with their interpretation of the CEV guidance at the time (not unusual), or something else...

Just one other thing...are they sending you photos of their negative tests?
You wouldn't want to catch it from them and ruin the rest of the school hols.

Do you? I said it doesn't matter where else they've been, it's their decision to ask for a test, and they have.

This ^^

I think it's reasonable for them to want visitors to test.

But unreasonable to tell you only now.

And I'm also wondering if there is medical information they are not sharing with you. Because it's all blood cancers, plus solid cancers on active treatment, or which have been actively treated in the past year which make someone exceptionally vulnerable. What you described (successful treatment that ended several years ago) would not in itself mean someone was CEV, unless there was some other factor involved

I'd have googled a picture of negative tests and sent them that.

Exactly and unlike the others most people now have had multiple vaccine. Time all this insanity came to an end. Some people just don’t want it to for some reason.

How is he CEV? I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago and had radiotherapy but I'm not classed as CEV. He didn't even have chemo or anything that would suppress his immune system?

I don't think just having had prostrate cancer makes him ECV or even clinically vulnerable - people undergoing treatment maybe. Has a doctor told him he's more vulnerable than other people?

Charming.

Google images will probably bring up some photos.

Absolute no chance!

at worst, dip the tests in water. They will show negative hahahahaha photograph those. But I’d just say no way personally.

Oh another one.

and that request is VERY UNREASONABLE given that they go on cruises and other public places. And the request for a photo crosses the line.

I'd stay home and tell them why.

I'd just not go - either tell them you've not got any tests or one of your children won't tolerate being tested. I know some people like this and the most annoying thing is they do what they like when it suits them. Whether they're influenced by the media or someone else they know has started going on about testing, it's difficult to know. I'd not fake a negative test as this just legitimises their stance.

I agree that your dad isn't CEV.

I think you're a better person than me.

OK. Thanks for responses.

I'll answer a few questions before updating.

Foodwise - I'm not too stressed as I've got lots in. Weve got inlaws coming boxing day and I was doing a beef Wellington with all the Christmas accompaniments. I've got enough food that I can make a roast dinner tomorrow but with sausages or something instead of turkey.

History of them not trusting me/being controlling - I've never been or acted dishonest or given them reason to think I would lie. I don't know if they're controlling. My husband thinks they're batshit but I think his family are weird, so 🤷‍♀️
I can recall 2 previous occasions where they asked for photographic proof of negative tests. I can't remember exactly when, but the first time was when you could have gatherings of more than 6 outdoors. They invited family over for a garden party for their anniversary and asked on group WhatsApp just before. Me and husband were a bit shocked/outraged at being asked for photographs, but before we had even stopped being outraged, other family members were happily posting photos of their negative tests! So we thought maybe we were the unreasonable ones. I recall mentioning it to a friend at the time and her thinking it weird, but my sister couldn't see the big deal.

They aren't controlling as such, but they definitely try to baby me and my sister and still treat us like kids, with me in particular they tend to treat me like I'm incompetent/a bit silly and need their help to function. They are also weird about germs and have got worse with age. One example - i went shopping with my mum and my youngest. DD had a ride on one of those £1 ride things they have in supermarkets. My mum was disgusted that I'd let my daughter go one and was cleaning her hands after. DD got ill (completely unrelated in my mind) about a week later and both my parents blamed me being so reckless letting her go on the ride.

ECV query - I don't know. They are very over the top about health things. I doubt there's anything healthwise they're not telling me because they are very vocal about their poor health (nothing significant besides the cancer - but they dwell on things that I think most people would take in their stride.) For example, my dad had an infected toenail that didn't respond to the first lot of antibiotics and they gave him a second course that apparently came from Germany. This was very traumatic for him and this story has now changed over the years to the point where he nearly lost his toe and these antibiotics were flown in especially for him and the doctors had never seen anything like it etc. This was about 25 years ago and he still talks about it. He also had tennis elbow decades ago and still refuses to shake hands with people in case it flares up. And he calls it a nerve condition now, but it was definitely tennis elbow at the time because I remember saying "you don't play tennis though".
He's had 4 jabs as far as I know. He has said he's ECV because he's had cancer. He is also obese, so maybe that could contribute?

That was long, sorry.

The update: me and husband have tested and - surprise surprise - we are negative. Not bothering to test the kids now as looks like we probably won't go.

Before my husband got back, my mum phoned me. I missed the call (phone on silent) and she then sent a series of WhatsApp messages saying:

Answer your phone name.

Your father and I are very disappointed that you are not taking covid19 seriously when you know very well it could be deadly for either one of us.

I can't believe you don't even have any tests, that absolutely beggars belief.

this is very inconsiderate and selfish of you.

Call me immediately.

I've not replied or called back. Husband says balls in my court but clearly thinks they're unreasonable. I don't know what to do.