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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH sulking about sex on Christmas Eve. Sick of it ! AIBU?

387 replies

Mummawantsanotherbaba · 24/12/2022 09:57

Classic tale

Before children we had good sex life .

Now have a toddler and I am 3
Months pregnant and sex life is lacking .

Since I was pregnant with my first baby , DH complained that we weren’t having enough sex and stared to become stroppy.

Before I was pregnant with number 2 we would have sex at least once every 10 days ( I felt i had too make an effort ) . Since I’ve been pregnant it has been once a month. Which is not lots but I have felt absolutely crappy. I work 27 hours a week and when I am not at work I look after the baby. DH does help around the house .

Today is Christmas Eve and for the third day DH has woken up Miserable and shouting- saying he is not wanting to be in a sexless marriage and I need to make an effort . He says That sex is a choice and I need to make time for him.

Part of me feels bad for him and I know he doesn’t want a sexless marriage . He was married before and this happened. I always said sex was important to me and i would make time for it .

Other part of me is absolutely sick of living with a miserable person who constantly whines like a child about sex.

Each time he Moans it gives me the ick and I go further off wanting sex. I find myself dreading holidays / weekends as i know he will be in a strop as he will say he didn’t get any sex!

I think it is the sulking and moaning which drives me crazy. He never talks like an adult - it is always silent treatment and sulking .

It is hard . Half of me wants empathizes with him. Half of me hates him . It is Christmas Eve and it is now the third day in a row we have argued over sex .

AIBU to be fed up ? Or am I being lazy ?

OP posts:
carbedup · 24/12/2022 14:01

Op I just read this. Just reading it has really upset me. He is abusive and likely to get worse. I know it's easier said than done but get rid of him. You deserve better.

greeneyessparksfly · 24/12/2022 14:02

upfucked · 24/12/2022 10:08

He ain’t a good ‘un. I think when I was pregnant with DD2 we didn’t have sex for a year. DH didn’t moan about it. There are plenty of things DH does which annoys me but he doesn’t try and coercise (sp?) me into sex.

This.

I’m 6 months pregnant with our second and this time round I’ve been completely off sex. We have still been intimate but not often and partner has been absolutely fine. If I ask him how he feels he says of course he misses
it but it’s not forever and we will get back on track. Please don’t feel useless; you’re allowed to not want to do something and to be honest his behaviour is so off putting. If he’d approached it differently without all the sulking perhaps you would want to have some!!

NaturalBae · 24/12/2022 14:02

Oops, I should have typed:

*whilst three months pregnant and having your man child DH shouting at you because he wants sex…

Doris86 · 24/12/2022 14:03

SlatternIsMyMiddleName · 24/12/2022 10:01

He can get to fuck.

I think that is what he is wanting to do!

OldFan · 24/12/2022 14:03

You should have never promised that you would not allow his need for sex to become an issue in the beginning of your relationship.

Someone's allowed to change their mind too of course, in response to future circumstances after they said that.

SuperFly123 · 24/12/2022 14:04

And if the creep wants to get laid elsewhere, LET HIM. Jesus Christ, how many women out there submit to sex/intimacy against their own wishes in a desperate attempt to ‘keep a man’. It’s fucking grim. Don’t let him do that to you. You are worth so much more.

ColdHandsHotHead · 24/12/2022 14:06

Mummawantsanotherbaba · 24/12/2022 10:07

@GooseberryCinnamonYogurt
I just don’t think I even gave the energy or want to get in bed with him and kiss and then run through the motions !!!!! I know I should but I can’t even bring myself to lay back and think of Christmas !!!!!

No you shouldn't. You really shouldn't.

NaturalBae · 24/12/2022 14:06

OldFan · 24/12/2022 14:03

You should have never promised that you would not allow his need for sex to become an issue in the beginning of your relationship.

Someone's allowed to change their mind too of course, in response to future circumstances after they said that.

Yes, of course they are but it was naive to state that especially when your DP/DH tells you that it was an issue with their exW.

DuchessDandelion · 24/12/2022 14:07

Phwoar. Nothing sexier than a sulking man-baby

tenbob · 24/12/2022 14:07

This reply has been deleted

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Anyone who’s entire self belief and self worth is based on how often their partner has sex with them needs a serious amount of therapy, not regular sex

It is beyond needy to equate no sex with being unloved and unattractive

Mumuser124 · 24/12/2022 14:09

@OldFan

Indeeed they are allowed to change their mind. OP’s husband is then also entitled to change his mind about whether he wants a non sexual relationship.

OPs reaction and shouting is likely due to the fact that he has been put in a position where he has to choose between staying in a sexless relationship or leaving. Can’t say I’d be too happy with that either.

DuringDuran · 24/12/2022 14:09

Afterfire · 24/12/2022 11:54

Such a common problem. Been there, got the T shirt. Married twice. I genuinely think this is the reason a lot of women live - very happily- alone in their later years. Nothing worse than being pestered for sex you don’t want. (And yes I’m on HRT before someone comes along and suggests HRT and testosterone will have women swinging from the ceilings). I think as women often our sex drive is linked to reproduction, the need to have children, either subconsciously or obviously and when we’ve done that and have done with having more it’s like a switch goes. And often younger women (including me when I was younger) don’t understand or see that because you can’t imagine being in a position where you feel that way, but it happens- which is why so, so many threads like this appear time and time again and so many men feed their new, younger wives the line that their wives have gone off them etc etc. It’s all so normal but we try to pretend as a society that it isn’t.

Everyone's sex "drive" is linked to reproduction.

No drive = no babies = end of species

Blossomtoes · 24/12/2022 14:10

It is beyond needy to equate no sex with being unloved and unattractive

It’s how the human psyche works, unfortunately. There have been many, many posts from women here saying exactly that.

Angeldelight81 · 24/12/2022 14:11

Mumuser124 · 24/12/2022 14:09

@OldFan

Indeeed they are allowed to change their mind. OP’s husband is then also entitled to change his mind about whether he wants a non sexual relationship.

OPs reaction and shouting is likely due to the fact that he has been put in a position where he has to choose between staying in a sexless relationship or leaving. Can’t say I’d be too happy with that either.

You don’t get to shout people who live in your house though, even if your needs aren’t being met. My 11-year-old knows that if he’s hungry, he needs to ask in a polite manner to be fed. Any shouting would result in him, not being fed by me anyway. This is pretty basic interactions with other humans page 55 of the manual.

Jumbocoffee · 24/12/2022 14:15

@Mumuser124, so if you’re pregnant/worn out = withholding and what you should just have sex even when you’re not in the mood. OP isn’t withholding sex as a power play. She’s pregnant and tired. People should have sex because they want to not because they’re nagged into it. What a lot of men seem to forget is that they might be leaving their partners to carry all the mental load and that’s not sexy.

Mumuser124 · 24/12/2022 14:16

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MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 24/12/2022 14:18

*Everyone's sex "drive" is linked to reproduction.

No drive = no babies = end of species*

Not the OP's problem, frankly. And some of us very happily have sex without feeling the urge to reproduce.

SueVineer · 24/12/2022 14:19

He sounds abusive op. Honestly I think you need to consider if it’s over. Can you ever be attracted to him again?

Sandra1984 · 24/12/2022 14:20

tell him that you have a job, a toddler, a household to take care, a whinny husband, you're 3 months pregnant and very sick and tired of having to take care of everyones needs when no one is taking care of yours. Let him know that you want hugs, reminders of how great you are and a massage once a week. If he refuses, oh well... why would you take care of is needs when he's not taking care of yours?

leilani83 · 24/12/2022 14:21

This reply has been deleted

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There is no such thing as 'withholding' sex. No-one owes anyone sex, even in a marriage.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 24/12/2022 14:21

@Mummawantsanotherbaba How did you find him attractive enough to have another baby with him? He's vile.

tenbob · 24/12/2022 14:22

Blossomtoes · 24/12/2022 14:10

It is beyond needy to equate no sex with being unloved and unattractive

It’s how the human psyche works, unfortunately. There have been many, many posts from women here saying exactly that.

I don’t know any of well adjusted people who think that.

only desperately insecure people who use sex as a sticking plaster of validation rather than deal with their issues properly

Mumuser124 · 24/12/2022 14:23

@ leilani83

It is a mutual expectation, otherwise it wouldn’t be a romantic relationship.

Sandra1984 · 24/12/2022 14:23

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain Not the OP's problem, frankly. And some of us very happily have sex without feeling the urge to reproduce.

I agree with that, but when you have a job, a toddler and are 3 months pregnant you're exhausted and libido tends to fall down very fast in your scale of priorities. If he can't understand this he's pretty thick.

Angeldelight81 · 24/12/2022 14:24

Okay, well, let’s assume you’re right then, and with holding sex is a form of abuse. He’s abusing her by shouting at her and sulking and she’s abusing him by not wanting to put out.

Sounds like they’re both over the whole thing, and they both need to re-evaluate their position which is what was said in the first three posts.

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