DH sulking about sex on Christmas Eve. Sick of it ! AIBU?

[Mummawantsanotherbaba]

Classic tale

Before children we had good sex life .

Now have a toddler and I am 3
Months pregnant and sex life is lacking .

Since I was pregnant with my first baby , DH complained that we weren’t having enough sex and stared to become stroppy.

Before I was pregnant with number 2 we would have sex at least once every 10 days ( I felt i had too make an effort ) . Since I’ve been pregnant it has been once a month. Which is not lots but I have felt absolutely crappy. I work 27 hours a week and when I am not at work I look after the baby. DH does help around the house .

Today is Christmas Eve and for the third day DH has woken up Miserable and shouting- saying he is not wanting to be in a sexless marriage and I need to make an effort . He says That sex is a choice and I need to make time for him.

Part of me feels bad for him and I know he doesn’t want a sexless marriage . He was married before and this happened. I always said sex was important to me and i would make time for it .

Other part of me is absolutely sick of living with a miserable person who constantly whines like a child about sex.

Each time he Moans it gives me the ick and I go further off wanting sex. I find myself dreading holidays / weekends as i know he will be in a strop as he will say he didn’t get any sex!

I think it is the sulking and moaning which drives me crazy. He never talks like an adult - it is always silent treatment and sulking .

It is hard . Half of me wants empathizes with him. Half of me hates him . It is Christmas Eve and it is now the third day in a row we have argued over sex .

AIBU to be fed up ? Or am I being lazy ?

I haven't read the whole thread but OP you have my sympathy. Without having read all of the replies, I think at 3 months pregnant with your second child, and him being like this, I would say it really does not bode well.
Not that it is related to your sex life which is a separate thing, but whose idea was it for you to have your second child i.e. was it more your idea or was it definitely a mutual idea that you should have another baby?

are you on the wrong thread?

The OP said they’ve reduced the frequency of sex because she is pregnant, and you’re wittering about withholding sex for 9 months?

and ‘trying to have a healthy relationship’ by coercing someone into sex… whoah, your idea of a healthy relationship could not be any more unhealthy

Well-adjusted people in well-adjusted relationships don’t measure their self worth by how much sex they are getting from someone with exceptional circumstances. It’s the sole preserve of needy, insecure and probably deeply unhappy people - hence all the posts from people in normal relationships saying that their partners totally understood that their sex lives had a temporary blip during and after pregnancies

@tenbob

I don’t any well adjusted people who think sex in a relationship isn’t important.

Maybe just Google ‘withholding sex in a marriage’ and you can read for yourself the hundreds of research papers out there that say differently to you and detail the effects on a person.

You have a strangely transactional view of romantic relationships.

This.

Feeling rejected is horrible. I know it's tiring being pregnant/having young children, but it's best to try and remember you are also part of a couple, and presumably love the person whose children you are having.

The best way forward is calm discussion and compromise.

Otherwise the relationship will fall apart.

DH was like this in our early marriage. I'd had 4 children in 5 years, one of whom was stillborn and his constant sulking/demands for sex made me so miserable. I wish in hindsight that I'd had the courage to tell him to fuck off elsewhere, because it really did ruin our child raising years. I constantly felt like I was walking round on eggshells and I'm ashamed to say that at times I gave in so that he didn't ruin an entire weekend over it...

It is abusive. And you don't have to put up with it.

@tenbob

Apologies, I was replying to a different post above.

"DH and first partner broke up as they drifted from no sex to separate bedrooms and stayed together for the kids . They lived as friends in the end ( well not very friendly friends!) for about 5 years . DH has 2 children both teenagers."
Did you know all this before you got together with your DH?

You're pregnant with his child. He needs to be kinder than this. Is well understood that sex drive can drop. He may be fed up with less sex than he wants or thinks he needs. However pregnancy is particularly challenging and if he cannot accept this and compromise he's definitely in the wrong. You could equally say you're fed up with this lack of respect and this treatment doesn't get you in the mood. Being kind and doing house work could help!

Gosh you must have been in some horrific relationships if you cannot comprehend the concept of less frequent sex when one person doesn’t feel up to it without it meaning a relationship is breaking down.
I really feel for you…

How absolutely miserable must a sex life be when it’s based on obligation and not desire, and giving into the demand under threat of break up because someone is so needy and has such low self esteem

I hope you or your partner get the help and support you deserve, and find your true self worth at some point, and realise that real relationships don’t mean coercion and pressure to have sex just to massage fragile egos
💐💐

Oh agree. Team OP here. Feel deep sympathy for her saddled with this whiny man child.

I get it. I’ve birthed three, but have 4 kids.

Sex is a normal part of a healthy relationship and it can be difficult to have to do without.

OP is projecting a lot here too - other stuff re eating disorders, weight loss etc. Nothing to do with her DH.

It is amazing that people simply don’t understand the impact that testerone. has on a sex drive. It really is.

Ans she openly admits she wants another kid, with him, but doesn’t want to have sex with him regularly.

This is messed up and whilst OP has justifiable grievance, her DH does too.

You can’t just unilaterally decide to stop having sex and expect your partner to be ok with it.

Yanbu. My DH has a high sex drive. I'm 35 weeks pregnant and I can count on my hand how many times we've done it since I've been pregnant...it's not a lot. DH understands it's because I'm pregnant, because I don't want to right now, he doesn't push or pressure me and even says he wouldn't want to anyway if he knew I wasn't in the mood as that wouldn't exactly turn him on. Pressure to have sex is vile and wrong. Your DH needs to back off and learn to take care of himself until you feel your sex drive returning.

OP, you're not a bad wife, you don't owe him sex. Him sulking is so unattractive, did you tell him that?

If he wants to restore intimacy he needs to understand that:

• your sex life may not be so frequent while your children are small and while you're pregnant. While I was pregnant I didn't want any sex at all. And guess what? My husband respected that.
• He needs to prove he cares for you and the family. He needs to pull his weight with children, home, life admin. While you're pregnant and feeling poorly he should do as much as possible, so that you can rest.
• He needs to stop focusing on sex. Intimacy is so much more than that and currently sex with him is so unattractive (his fault) he has to work to restore it step by step.
• He has to take responsibility for his own orgasms. Sometimes you'll have sex more often, sometimes less. When it's not enough, he can masturbate.

OP, you haven't done anything wrong, please look after yourself.

You committed to a marriage part of that is a regular sex life unless you are unwell just given birth etc. so many women act like you and then wonder why there are problems in their marriage.

Hmm, well that works both ways @NewNovember ...So many men think that 'wanting sex' is upholding their end of the deal. That is a massive mistake to the detriment of their own sex lives. This guy has not learned from last time either. There is really no excuse for him.

Am Sorry OP but your husband is very selfish.
You have a toddler and are pregnant.Can he at least have some empathy and use his hands for now.
Post like this make me want to remain single for eternity

I think we did surprisingly well to get so far into the thread before the Rights of the Penis were read … no one in their right minds thinks anyone can demand sex and then sulk. But many angry entitled men do so and a few women will say they’ve got a right to do that and more. Shame on those posters.

@tenbob

Yes, my previous relationship was absolutely soul destroying, very little sex, would not address the issues etc. couples counciling gave me the courage to leave the relationship.

I have now been very happily married (and very in love) for the past 8 years. No sexual withholding in sight. Just healthy sex once a week or so- it’s great.

"Rights of the Penis" 😂

@Chimna

thanks for the concern, I did indeed seek help via couples and individual counciling. Weirdly they seemed to agree with me? Who’d have thought a professional would agree that sex is an important part of a relationship? Mind blowing.

@HangerLaneGyratorySystem its nit the rights of the penis a wife should also expect a healthy sex life it's the foundation of a marriage.