DH sulking about sex on Christmas Eve. Sick of it ! AIBU?

[Mummawantsanotherbaba]

Classic tale

Before children we had good sex life .

Now have a toddler and I am 3
Months pregnant and sex life is lacking .

Since I was pregnant with my first baby , DH complained that we weren’t having enough sex and stared to become stroppy.

Before I was pregnant with number 2 we would have sex at least once every 10 days ( I felt i had too make an effort ) . Since I’ve been pregnant it has been once a month. Which is not lots but I have felt absolutely crappy. I work 27 hours a week and when I am not at work I look after the baby. DH does help around the house .

Today is Christmas Eve and for the third day DH has woken up Miserable and shouting- saying he is not wanting to be in a sexless marriage and I need to make an effort . He says That sex is a choice and I need to make time for him.

Part of me feels bad for him and I know he doesn’t want a sexless marriage . He was married before and this happened. I always said sex was important to me and i would make time for it .

Other part of me is absolutely sick of living with a miserable person who constantly whines like a child about sex.

Each time he Moans it gives me the ick and I go further off wanting sex. I find myself dreading holidays / weekends as i know he will be in a strop as he will say he didn’t get any sex!

I think it is the sulking and moaning which drives me crazy. He never talks like an adult - it is always silent treatment and sulking .

It is hard . Half of me wants empathizes with him. Half of me hates him . It is Christmas Eve and it is now the third day in a row we have argued over sex .

AIBU to be fed up ? Or am I being lazy ?

I’m sorry you’re going through this ❤️ he has a little moan one time when pg last year too. I sat him down and explained what he was doing wasn’t fair and he has learned to respect that it will happen when I’m ready. If he can’t do the same for you I’d tell him to get lost.

Probably why his last relationship didn't work, she got the ick from him sulking. Absolutely gross and entitled.

Huh, some over the top responses here.

Truth is OP that lots of men are like this, I’ve commented on so many similar threads over the years. It’s a vicious cycle, with the man getting grumpier and grumpier, which, oddly enough, does not make the female libido go wild.

Bad news is, there is no solution other than for him to get in the habit of masturbating every day or two as he’ll be much keas grumoy then. (But, then he ends up with too much porn misogyny in his head, which brings different problems.)

Good news is that you will be like most couples: probably have a couple of tricky years where you don’t much like each other, and then as the child gets older it is quite possible to get the marriage back on track.

Couod try couples counselling but thet seems to cause as many problems as it fixes 🤷‍♀️

Good luck!

If only men knew how to arouse a tired woman 😔

I’m very shocked at these replies. You do all realise the difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship don’t you?

I cannot even begin to tell you how horrifically demoralising it is to be in a relationship with a ‘partner’ who doesn’t want to have sex with you. It honestly is soul distroying.

I think it is form of betrayal to enter into a relationship and then withhold the most basic building block of what a relationship should have, which is intamacy. Prioritising everything other than you partner, work etc.

Of course you shouldn’t be forced into sex but if you are not having a healthy sex life then there is something seriously wrong with your relationship.

Calling any man disgusting and creepy for wanting to have sex with their partner is just so wrong.

Doubt this is the case if DH left his first wife because he wasn’t getting enough sex while his eldest children were young.

OP, your husband sounds like a horrible man. I don’t know what to advise, other than you deserve better than this.

@Wishihadanalgorithm

You genuinely think he is a horrible man because he’s upset his partner doesn’t want to have sex with him?

madness.

Tell him that foreplay involves him being a decent adult partner. Tell him he needs to play his part so you're not overburdened and tired and that he needs to be a partner you can feel sexually attracted to and it a whiney baby. You can be more polite obviously, but he needs to know what he can do to improve both your lives.

This with huge bells on

I was married to a man like this. Felt guilty all the time because sex wasn't frequent enough, then when it was frequent enough it wasn't "exciting" enough, or the sessions weren't long enough. It left me feeling like absolute shit.

Current DP never pressures me and our sex life is perfect. It was definitely exH not me.

I think you should tell him no sex until he stops sulking/demanding. His attitude needs to change.

Equally I never did that with exH as he'd persuaded me it was all my issue. So I don't know if it would work. But this dynamic kills sexual attraction and your self esteem.

Going to be honest. Once every 10 days is bad enough. Once a month is unacceptable - I would be very, very unhappy with that and I am a woman.

I feel bad for him, but I feel bad for you too because if you don’t want to it’s horrible to have to consider it.

This needs sorting though, you can’t be so sexually incompatible and last as a couple

Well, you have a couple of choices really. You carry on like you are, not prioritising your relationship or intamacy.

@Mumuser124 Seriously? He's shouting at OP about it. That's not ok.

Going to be honest. Once every 10 days is bad enough. Once a month is unacceptable

@Quincythequince OP has been in early pregnancy which (or even for the whole pregnancy) can make someone feel really rough. It's ok if she doesn't feel able to have sex as she feels unwell/exhausted. It's not permanent, life happens.

No one is saying he has to be a "sex god" to deserve sex. But someone who shouts at his partner daily for not allowing him the use of her body at his demand is 100% a turn off. If my husband did that to me, each time a bit of my love and affection for him would die. Then one day there finally would not be any left at all.

I’m very shocked at these replies. You do all realise the difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship don’t you?

Yes it doesn't involve a man shouting at a woman about sex. That is the mark of an abusive relationship.

The hand maids are out in force today I see.
We didn't have sex for 9 months last time I was pregnant. How many times did dh bring it up? Never, due to understanding me and not being a dick.

YANBU
she shouldn’t be driving.
send her this from the government website.
her insurance is invalid if she has an accident

Shouting occasionally is in no way in the same league as withholding intamacy in a relationship.

I absolutely don't agree. Esp as OP is pregnant, which can make people feel unwell.

And shouting at someone to try and make them have sex when they don't want it is beyond manipulative.

Ok someone might raise their voice in an argument. But that's not the same as unilaterally shouting at someone you're supposedly in a relationship with, to try and make them do something.

Ooops. replied on The wrong post

So let me get this straight - he's already on to marriage number 2 because marriage number one (where he got his first wife pregnant twice) broke down because he wasn't getting enough sex? He is aware that sex leads to procreation, right? Babies come from having sex? He's aware of that, right? Now you're pregnant with his 4th child (second to you) and he wants sex? He's aware of the turmoil that the female body goes through, during pregnancy and afterwards, right?

Time for Santa to give him a fleshlight and let him move back home to mummy!

I wouldn't be the slightest bit interested in a man who carries on like that. Very unattractive.

Please don't bring a second (or in this case a 4th child) into a relationship where the father has such a low opinion of the mother, merely to be sex toy, to satisfy his sexual appetite. Better to be single/separated/divorced than that (in my opinion). Try and get the help you need to make that difficult decision to leave him. He really doesn't sound like a nice person to be around.

Your DH clearly has a high libido. You should have never promised that you would not allow his need for sex to become an issue in the beginning of your relationship. I bet he blamed it on his exW and you believed him. He needs to understand that the frequency will be less when you are pregnant.

Sex every day ten days is not often, but is obviously too much if you’re three months pregnant and you have a toddler.

Unless a postpartum women is up for it and it’s her idea, expecting a woman having sex six weeks after childbirth is ridiculous.

You say that this 2nd pregnancy was planned, so what the hell did he think would change during this pregnancy compared to during the first pregnancy!?

Does he do any parenting at all?
Was is/he up late with your baby/toddler if they awake during the night?

Your DH helping with the housework means that you do most of it, which is why sex is the furthest thing from your mind, along with parenting a toddler whilst three months pregnant and having to argue with a man child about sex as if he doesn’t know you are pregnant and the associated effects pregnancy will be having on your body. Your DH doesn’t have any respect for you (your body or your feelings).

If someone doesn't want sex at some point (esp when pregnant, dealing with a young child, or other stressors) that's ok, not abusive at all. To try and make someone have sex they don't want is sexual coercion (or in OP's husband's case, even worse than that) and abusive.