DH sulking about sex on Christmas Eve. Sick of it ! AIBU?

[Mummawantsanotherbaba]

Classic tale

Before children we had good sex life .

Now have a toddler and I am 3
Months pregnant and sex life is lacking .

Since I was pregnant with my first baby , DH complained that we weren’t having enough sex and stared to become stroppy.

Before I was pregnant with number 2 we would have sex at least once every 10 days ( I felt i had too make an effort ) . Since I’ve been pregnant it has been once a month. Which is not lots but I have felt absolutely crappy. I work 27 hours a week and when I am not at work I look after the baby. DH does help around the house .

Today is Christmas Eve and for the third day DH has woken up Miserable and shouting- saying he is not wanting to be in a sexless marriage and I need to make an effort . He says That sex is a choice and I need to make time for him.

Part of me feels bad for him and I know he doesn’t want a sexless marriage . He was married before and this happened. I always said sex was important to me and i would make time for it .

Other part of me is absolutely sick of living with a miserable person who constantly whines like a child about sex.

Each time he Moans it gives me the ick and I go further off wanting sex. I find myself dreading holidays / weekends as i know he will be in a strop as he will say he didn’t get any sex!

I think it is the sulking and moaning which drives me crazy. He never talks like an adult - it is always silent treatment and sulking .

It is hard . Half of me wants empathizes with him. Half of me hates him . It is Christmas Eve and it is now the third day in a row we have argued over sex .

AIBU to be fed up ? Or am I being lazy ?

He sounds like a complete turkey but I wonder why you even bothered to have another baby with him as it sounds like he was the same after your first child. Leaving with just one child is a whole lot easier than leaving with 2.

Gosh. It sounds like you're living with two toddlers, M. TBH it doesn't sound as though DH has any emotional intelligence or empathy. He sounds like a very selfish individual. It concerns me that he shouts too - this is completely unreasonable - bordering on mental abuse in my opinion. DH is deliberating chipping away at your self-esteem so you will feel like a failure and give in to his demands. This kind of coercive control is unacceptable. You should only have sex if you genuinely want to - not just to shut him up, otherwise you will be rewarding his negative behaviour and he will keep on having these "tantrums".

Good luck!

He sounds absolutely awful. You don't 'have to make the effort' - if you don't want it and you aren't in the mood then the answer is no. How can he be so inconsiderate and ignorant of the fact that you're pregnant too?

He’s trying to dominate and bully you into sex. Thats coercive sex and coercive sex is rape. I’d start making plans to end the marriage, he is not a nice man.

ThreeBlackCats I'm not sure the 'unkind' remark was aimed at you, I thought OP was talking about her 'D'H. She did thank you profusely at the beginning.

How is your DH's relationship with his DC from first marriage? Is he sulky with them, them when they displease him, now they are older and harder to control? If so, think carefully, as that will be your children's future too, and it's a very damaging dynamic.

Simple. Divorce him.

Remind him the most powerful sex organ is not physical
His behaviour is what's putting you off more than anything

Can you go back to basics? Some affection with no expectation?

And in the meantime, I presume his hands work?

DH does help around the house He isn’t ‘helping’ you. He’s not doing you a favour by occasionally getting the hoover out. He lives there too, it’s half his mess. He doesn’t get credit unless he’s doing more than his share.

When I met him he was wonderful and kind and we had the most amazing 4 years and we decided to have a family Do you think that those amazing 4 years could possibly be connected to the fact that he was having sex whenever he wanted it? He wasn’t being wonderful or kind; he just didn’t have anything to complain about. If he was genuinely wonderful or kind, you’d be seeing him be wonderful and kind now, when you really need it. But you’re not seeing it, are you? Why could that be?

I try to look good but I’m just exhausted and tired and I feel lonely and I’m sick of DH shouting and I guess I’m past being able to take one for the team. I don’t want to have sex anymore Why are you acting like you’re the problem here? Everything you’re feeling is a direct consequence of his behaviour.

I know lots of people suggest telling spouses like this that if they did more around the house, they’d get more sex. But I think when the problem is this bad, it would be a case that sex becomes a trade off for simply doing their share. He’s not a child. He doesn’t get a reward chart where a gold star for good behaviour equals a treat at the end of the week. I emptied the dishwasher so I deserve sex. I cleared up DD’s toys so I deserve sex. And then, because emptying the dishwasher once or twice is not going to cure your feelings overnight, he’ll get resentful because he’ll feel like you’ve made a bargain with him and you’re not living up to your part. And so then why should he bother emptying the dishwasher when he doesn’t get anything out of it? He needs to learn how to be a decent man, which isn’t going to happen without a serious amount of marriage guidance counselling at the very least.

Personally I think he’s so far gone that he’ll eventually start blaming his children for his wives not wanting to have sex with him. Everything was great before she got pregnant, so it must be the kid’s fault. But, at least with marriage guidance, you might start to understand that it’s him with the problem, not you.

Sounds deeply unattractive. It never fails to amaze me how some men go on about women and their hormones and yet men seem entirely driven by theirs.

it sounds like he isn’t communicating his feelings in a healthy way. Perhaps when he can get his head around that then the two of you can have a two-way constructive chat about intimacy. Ball’s in his court, no??

This.

I think you should ask yourself does he make you feel valued? Like he values you for you, and respects you?

Does he help around the house because he wants to and you are a partnership or because he feels he has to (as in he has to be asked and grumbles about it or expects a welcome parade for emptying the dishwasher)

Does he give you affection, kisses, cuddles, compliments without it needing to lead to sex?

You say about ED and trying to look good, it sounds to me you feel a bit as if you have to be a certain way to ‘keep him’ or keep his interest, which must be exhausting.

I also wonder, how is the sex for you? Does he only satisfy his own needs? Do you enjoy it? Would he ever for example surprise you by oral or something without expecting something back?

I am not surprised you are turned off sounds like he is demanding yet another thing from you to add to the list of things you already have on and it sounds like you don’t get much out of it to be honest.

What a disgusting excuse for a man he is. If that was my OH, divorce would be the next topic.

woken up Miserable and shouting

@Mummawantsanotherbaba Wow is there actual shouting about him not getting sex on demand? Moaning and weedling is bad enough. This is abuse, please plan to leave him. x

He needs to make you want sex.

Until he figures this out, and quite possibly the fact that you're not there to pleasure him, he's going to remain deeply unattractive sexually.

Well, you have a couple of choices really. You carry on like you are, not prioritising your relationship or intamacy. Have your husband feel unloved, and force him to
miss out on an important part of who we are as humans. Or, you prioritise your husband and your relationship for half an hour once a week, building and reaffirming a romantic bond between the two of you.

your choice.

I can't imagine wanting to ever have sex again with someone who'd behaved so disgustingly about it.
And presumably your toddler could hear this shouting? How would you feel if they repeated some of the things he shouted at you? He's abusing you, he's abusing your child. I can't see how this could possibly not be end of the line for the relationship.

I honestly can't imagine wanting to have sex with someone like this again.

How would spontaneity or lust creep in when you're under such pressure?

Sex with someone who is going through the motions or tolerating it can't be (shouldn't be) what you're craving surely?

I'm not sure this is something I could ever forgive and forget to be honest. It's not a one off, it's a pattern of behaviour and whilst you're trying to "be better" he is steadfastly ignoring ever single one of your needs (which relate to the needs of his children too).

I think I'd be checking out in my head and moving to follow the ex wife into separate rooms then lives tbh.

I’m not surprised you’re tired. 15 weeks pregnant here, I’m exhausted and don’t have a toddler to run around after. Just a very demanding 8 going on 18 year old!

Anyway, shop’s been shut for months and I have no intention of opening until the summer. I have personal reasons for this having experienced multiple losses, but if my partner ever barked about our relationship being sexless I’d tell him to quit being so childish.

It’s incredibly unattractive when blokes whinge about lack of sex during pregnancy…as though their needs trump ours at such a trying time. Our bodies are going through so much - sustaining a pregnancy and growing a bloody organ!

If he stops moaning then are you going to have sex with him?
doesn’t sound like it so I wouldn’t tell him it’s the moaning giving you the ick. If he stops you’d have to make good.

you should just ask what sex life he expects and would be happy with, see if you can compromise and go from there.

he’s probably feeling completely rejected as well as anxious and angry another marriage might be in trouble?!

He sounds gross! Can you picture having to deal with his shit for the rest of your life? It’s not sustainable.

He’s destroying his marriage. You can tell him that.
He isn’t creating desire in his wife, he’s being aggressive and cold toward his wife.

I wonder why his sex life died with his first wife. Must have been all her fault, eh.

I mean it's too late now but honestly, he left his ex for this reason, emotionally blackmails you into sex essentially and thought having a second child is a brilliant idea instead of running away and never looking back? Baffling.

ABC sex 😂

I agree.

Have your baby if that is what you want and get yourself organised.

He is an abusive bully an if you think you are pissed off now, wait till the baby arrives.

He is consumed by his needs and women are meat to him.

I bet his Ex has some stories to tell.

This is the real him, not the mask you saw for 4 years when he was getting what he wanted.

Get support, get planning and do NOT be raped by him through coercive sex.