Do you worry about your single friend/relative?

[YouAreNotBatman]

Maybe strange question, but past maybe two-three monthd I’ve had four, FOUR, people saying they worry about me (me being single that is).

I honestly didn’t know what they were on about, or what to say.

Are they being weird, or am I?

Challenge them on why they’re saying that.

totally inappropriate and really patronising

They are being weird and probably deep down a bit jealous that our lives are that little bit more stress free 😉

No! Not at all.

Aw, why?
Most people who say that are coming from a good place. Surely just saying ‘ thank you for worrying, but I really am fine’ will work rather than challenging or being aggressive?

I’m single too, and I am very touched when people take the time to check in

I don’t worry, no (any more than I do about people I care about generally). I did during the pandemic, but I think that was justified!

I hope nobody's worrying about me! But I'm used to being single. Another person in the house would annoy me so much. It's different if you're recently single. At times I listen to women roughly my own age talking and I feel sorry for them being stuck with Mr Lazy, Mr Big Drinker, Mr Thinks-he's Still Got it with a roving eye out.

A lot of people do project though. If their experience of being single was that it was miserable and ''fixed'' by clinging to a passing raft then they assume that your life is on hold til you find a raft.

Just ask them why they are worried?

I'm long term single and have probably been over the top in making myself seem bulletproof, to stop any patronising comments. Probably a bit too much, given over the pandemic barely anyone thought to check in with me, so be careful what you wish for.

I think it’s a kind of projection. These are the kind of people who have difficulties being alone, feel lonely and lost when single, so they jump to the conclusion that everybody must feel this way. They remember back to when they were single and they worried about themselves and they start projecting this onto you. Tell them you are different from them and you are fine being single.

Yes I do to a certain extent. I work with the elderly and I see the sadness in those who are alone, I don't mean those who have lost their partner, but those who never had families of their own, so much regret. This definitely colours my opinion

Ask them what is it specifically they worry about? That you are ill? On drugs? Boozing? Dating wrong uns?

What exactly is it they’re worried about? Loneliness? That you’ve been lying dead on the floor being eaten by your Pomeranians for a week?

I have quite a few single friends, and the only one I ‘worry’ about is a geographically-isolated FT carer for her mother, who has advanced dementia, with no family or other help — and I worry about her not because she’s single, but because her life is (currently) difficult.

Hi OP, it will be coming from a good place. I worry about my brother.

We are not made to be on our own, humans are pack animals - it's well known that loneliness is as bad as smoking when it come to health issues and shortening your life.

I'm single and I know my mum worries and would like me to have someone in my life, I don't know if the rest of my family worry about me though .
There are times (Christmas for example) when I'm not ok .

You are exactly the kind of person most single people want to avoid.

The only time I want a husband is when somebody else's husband collects us at the end of a night out! At that point I do think and say ah this is the life! collected by your husband! But the rest of the time I'm quite jokey about the perks of being single, like, hardly knowing that the world cup was on, being spared the football and also spared the best bit of the football (!) which is when after the football, they talk about the football. I'm sure a lot of women envied me!

I'm generalising, if you love football, sorry for my sexist generalisation.

I do. I have a few single friends who are aging and developing health problems and don’t have any family locally, or aren’t generally close with family. I worry they don’t have enough support and how they will manage as aging progresses. Also financially they’re having difficulty now on single incomes. Two friends also would rather be in partnerships and wanted children (now post menopausal and not a possibility) and they both feel quite bereft at where their lives are now.

I would only be worried about a friend if I felt they were acting different or seemed down.

They could be married, coupled up or single.

I loved being single. I just happened to meet someone who I enjoyed having around a bit more than I enjoyed being single. If that changes we will split and I would be happy fine being single again. So I have never seen being single as an issue.

I tend to think people (not everyone, just in general) often judge by their own lives. So if they are unhappy or lonely when single, they assume others would be too. which is the same as what I do. Being single isn’t a problem for me, so I assume other people are fine with it too and wouldn’t worry unless I saw something in them that made me worry. Even then I wouldn’t jump to ‘must be because they are single’

Your friend is lucky to have your support.

@Cinecitta I agree, that mentality that being single is actually damaging eurgh! I can connect with people, and do, and anybody who failed to notice that despite being in my life, I'd think they were very conventional and unobservant.

@movetduvet just accept your brother for who he is and not for the absence of a notional +1

I have a really close friend who is long term single. I’d love for her to meet someone and have a family but only because she has told me that’s what she wants. I don’t ‘worry’ about her because she’s got a lot of friends, great social life, owns her own (lovely) home, good job, hobbies etc, but I feel sad that she doesn’t have something she wants so much. I wouldn’t say to her I’m worried about her though because that seems really really patronising and a bit like pity which isn’t what I feel. Xx

Agree with all of this. Someone being single wouldn’t even cross my mind as a reason to worry about them. Someone’s physical or mental health or other life stresses might make me concerned for them if they were showing signs of stress, regardless of their relationship status.

Thanks, I feel relieved!

I realise maybe I should have given more info.
Been single all my life.
And first two comments were from co-workers, they were more mean/gossipy about it.
Then my cousin made a comment how she worries about me (?) and wishes I’d find someone and be happy (??).
And last one I did step into a bit, because I was wondering about thesw comment to my friend and she did, carefully it seemed, say that it is a bit strange I never talk about these things/ never date or anything.
She didn’t come off mean or anything though, and like I said, I set muself up for that on.

Maybe your brother is isolated and lonely, but that’s far from a foregone conclusion for most single people. The friend I have who is now approaching 70 and has been single for the thirty five ish years I’ve known her, has an absolute genius for friendship, has a daughter by adoption, and is only alone when she wants to be, and her life is, and has always been, a rich, full one, full of friendships, travel, professional success and love.

I'm single by choice, for close to 13 years now, and people who worry about that put the fear into me. They're usually the ones who end up being intrusive and disrupting my happily laid back solitary life.

I'm a people pleaser with a track record of attracting abusive men. The time to worry about me, should anyone feel so inclined, is when I'm not single.

Enjoying yourself too much? 😆