Do you worry about your single friend/relative?

[YouAreNotBatman]

Maybe strange question, but past maybe two-three monthd I’ve had four, FOUR, people saying they worry about me (me being single that is).

I honestly didn’t know what they were on about, or what to say.

Are they being weird, or am I?

Having seen a few family members and friends widowed now - I would worry more for couples. The odds are that one out of the two is going to have to suddenly cope with being alone at an elderly age and after a lifetime of living as a couple.

I see those in such a circumstance struggle far more with loneliness and depression than those that are single by choice and have years experience of living that way already, when older age kicks in.

I'm the single one (have a DC but they're a teenager now) I bloody hope people don't worry about me, I'm perfectly happy.

How patronising! I'd say secretly jealous tbh but don't want to admit it. Do what you like when you like only accountable to yourself.

I don't tell them, but I do worry about my friends who are single. Most of our "group" are settled down now and I do worry about some of the ones who are still single. I worry mostly as they've had struggles with MH previously and worry they've not got someone they can always talk to who's always there etc.

@mondaytosunday yeah I see what you mean but I think it would be amazing if I had the kind of relationship where I DID feel able to talk about it with him somehow (not in a patronising "oh poor you" way but in a sincere "how are you feeling" way).

There's this big huge thing and we never discuss it, but at least OP's friends feel close enough to her that they can try, IYSWIM?

There are no guarantees. I think of that research saying that terminally ill women are more likely to be abandoned by their male partners than are terminally ill men left by their female partners.

And I know that years of singledom have made me very involved in my community and with lots of friends. There are also sex differences in this.

I just don’t understand why people assume that because you live with a bloke your mental/spiritual/emotional needs are being met better than they would be by close girlfriends?

There is a very small handful of (straight) men with the emotional intelligence to support someone else whose mental health is struggling but frankly most men are worse than useless at this and just lack the emotional tools.

I actually think in the majority of cases your mental health would be far stronger for relying on close friends than some fucking useless lump who doesn’t understand what you need and won’t step up to try to understand.

I worry about one of them yes as they are lonely and miss being in a relationship desperately.

God it sounds like they just need better and stronger friends tbh. No one should be that desperate to be in a relationship.

@movetduvet
You lack empathy. An inability to understand that other people don't do things like you do, but that they are perfectly happy with how they do things. I dropped all people like you from my life when I was around 40. Much happier for it.

Single folk cannot win with you. Either they are miserable, and you can wallow in smugness, or they're only pretending to be happy. It becomes pointless and boring to have a conversation.

I worry about one of my single friends. Her mother is a narcissistic bitch enabled by her fucking useless father who have done huge damage to her throughout her life. Unfortunately (IMO) despite huge strides through counselling and bloody hard work, she still feels obliged to "go home" for Xmas even though it is inevitably terrible, stressful and really sets her back. I slightly feel if she wasn't single, her other half might be able to persuade her not to go, whereas I fail each year. But my other single friends/family seem totally content, so not worried about them!!

People who believe you have to be in a relationship to have emotional support have no empathy, imagination or resilience whatsoever. These are the people who are truly fucked when relationships do end. They have no idea what to do with themselves.

Deeply depressing.

Cut her some slack, she's working SO hard to prove that all us singletons are really unhappy deep down and are just saying that we are happy when we really aren't. Someone like that is never going to be convinced.

I get it a little bit mainly at work . Comments like you should get yourself on a dating website or now your son is older you can get your life back 🤣 I ignore them being honest. A lot of people still think that if you are single there must be something wrong with you 😂 Single out of choice seems a bit odd to them .

'Someone like that is never going to be convinced.'
This is what I mean. If ever you have a conversation with someone, and there is zero chance of them listening or absorbing or understanding a different pov, then, what is the point of the conversation?

I guess that's the best way of dealing with the - head tilt, what a shame you're single responses, I'm so sad for you - responses. Instantly recognise and tell yourself that it isn't a reflection on you whatsoever, it's just a heads up that the person doesn't have empathy. So, a quick 'uh huh' and find someone more interesting to talk to.

it's just a heads up that the person doesn't have empathy. So, a quick 'uh huh' and find someone more interesting to talk to.

Yeah I mean essentially it’s a heads-up that the person you’re talking to is unintelligent. Let’s call a spade a spade.

Men gain enormously from being in hetro relationships - men like your brother who seems to not be able to cope alone.

I'm single but thriving, I wouldn't be interested in damaging my quality of life by 'taking on' a partner who wasn't also thriving.

There's no problem if an individual is clearly struggling with being single and they've expressed that - then by all means be concerned for them.

The problem is the blanket assumption and concern to an individual,before you have found out if they are happy with single life or not.

You only have to look at some of the threads today to see why us singletons much prefer it!

Amen to THAT!!

Yes, that's why Mumsnet is currently full of threads with comments from severely depressed women who are struggling to cope with their shit husbands and ungrateful kids, living a life of utter boredom and monotony, which is also stressful at the same time.

The delusion is comical.

There's a reason why married women with kids often look 10+ years older than they really are.

There's a very good reason he hasn't met anyone. It's not a coincidence.

Women now have higher standards and would rather be alone than dealing with some loser who failed to thrive, lives at home at 35, and is incapable of actually doing anything to improve his own life or prospects.

Mid thirties single women are generally working on improving themselves, keeping fit, getting out and about, climbing the career ladder, travelling. Not sitting at home snivelling about how lonely they are and how men are so mean because they won't give them a chance.

Your parents failed your brother by bringing him up to think he was somehow entitled to a partner without making any actual effort. It isn't a coincidence.

I would never worry about someone because they are single. I have been single and being single wasn’t the cause of my happiness or unhappiness at any stage.
I know plenty of long term single people and some are miserable and blame it on being single, but honestly they are in the minority and don’t really have much going on in their lives in terms of hobbies, friends etc.
There are plenty of couples in absolutely miserable relationships and that is way more lonely then being single. You never truly know what goes on behind closed doors. So I don’t spend any time worrying about someone because they are single.

That is so so true @SalYPimienta , and sorry @lifter .
You only have to go back 50 or so years ago, and men didn't even need to liked to be married. Now they do. Well, some do, clearly from mn, there are women who'll take anyone, but it is, thankfully, getting less and less.
Men have to try now, and for some, copying their fathers, they haven't got a clue how to.

It's interesting, at first I found your post a bit mean @SalYPimienta, but on reflection you're at least partly right.

I mean, my parents definitely failed us, and were failed by their parents in turn, you can SEE the intergenerational trauma - I was also diagnosed with autism and can see that going back too. They raised us in a religious cult, had no friends and as we grew up did everything they could to stop us leaving home including a lot of emotional blackmail and begging. My mum in particular had routine "health scares", my dad developed dementia, and they both rely on him for almost everything care-related. It's deeply messed up.

Having said all of that, I've never heard him "snivel about how mean women are" or anything like that. He never ever talks about the subject. I think he's more broken from our upbringing than just some vague, entitled, woman-hating loser without ambition, but I guess the end result is the same anyway?

And while I don't want someone to come along and burden themselves, I can't help wishing that he could "click" with someone like I did. I think meeting a kindred spirit and having a partner in life can do you, your happiness and your self-confidence the world of good.