Do you worry about your single friend/relative?

[YouAreNotBatman]

Maybe strange question, but past maybe two-three monthd I’ve had four, FOUR, people saying they worry about me (me being single that is).

I honestly didn’t know what they were on about, or what to say.

Are they being weird, or am I?

@movetduvet

Also thanks for the very narrow example of who is allowed to experience loneliness. I would wager that whilst anyone can experience loneliness, yes even those in relationships, I suspect people who are alone are more susceptible to it, though I doubt they would admit it on this thread.

Having been in an awful marriage for 11 years I can promise you there is no lonelier place in the world.

You “suspect” people on their own are more susceptible and then go on to imply that those who deny it are lying; where is the evidence for this other than a sense of prurient pity?

What gives you the right to draw conclusions on behalf of all single people? The arrogance is strong. (And I speak as someone in a committed LTR).

Yeah. Cos people who ‘never had families of their own’ always regret it. No possibility that was their active choice.

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/wellbeing/articles/lonelinesswhatcharacteristicsandcircumstancesareassociatedwithfeelinglonely/2018-04-10

Main points
• In 2016 to 2017, there were 5% of adults in England who reported feeling lonely “often” or “always”.
• Younger adults aged 16 to 24 years reported feeling lonely more often than those in older age groups.
• Women reported feeling lonely more often than men.
• Those single or widowed were at particular risk of experiencing loneliness more often.
• People in poor health or who have conditions they describe as “limiting” were also at particular risk of feeling lonely more often.
• Renters reported feeling lonely more often than homeowners.
• People who feel that they belong less strongly to their neighbourhood reported feeling lonely more often.
• People who have little trust of others in their local area reported feeling lonely more often.

I worry about my daughter being single. I guess it is me getting older and worrying about who will look after her when she is old. Daft in many ways she is not that old and may well have a 'significant other' well before then, but it's still in my mind, although I would never say it to her.

She doesn't have anyone to share the full mental load of this, has had to go part time, which has had a much bigger impact on her than if she was in a relationship. Yes she has friends but quite frankly it's just not the same as a partner

Because, as a few hours on this site will confirm, partners are always supportive, helpful, caring and step up when needed without complaint for however long that takes and never ever desert their OH when she's at her most vulnerable. 🙄

@movetduvet

"Women who are unmarried and childless are the happiest subgroup of the population as a whole, according to a happiness expert.

Paul Dolan, a professor of behavioral science at the London School of Economics, says that while men benefit from being married, women generally don't.

Although tying the knot and having children are typically considered markers of success in our society, women who shun this pressure, despite the stigma, tend to be happier and healthier as a result"

Oh yes I forgot mumsnet is accurate reflection of all the relationships ever.

For every messed up relationship there are plenty of healthy ones out there 🙄

What a load of bollocks. Just because you're single doesn't mean you're lonely.

I don't know why you're keeping this up @movetduvet . You clearly think that people who are single are just putting on a brave front to hide their inner misery and you've made it pretty obvious that you're not going to believe people who are, actually, happily single when they tell you differently, because you reckon they're just being defensive.

"The data isn’t perfect and Paul is the first to acknowledge its limitations. For a start these data-sets are prone to selection bias. For example, one study looked at why some married people were reporting higher levels of happiness than unmarried ones (Stutzer and Frey 2006). They found that it is not that marriage made people happier, it’s that singles that reported being happier were also more likely to get married. Therefore, even though at first glance the data suggests that marriage makes people happier, the reality is that already happier people tend to get married. While the data is useful and relevant to the conversation on marriage and monogamy, it is still important to scrutinize it."

One of them, yes. He is in his early 60s, his family are all in another country which he is not able to travel to regularly, and though he has a lot of friends to go for a drink with he doesn’t have many really close friends. If we weren’t spending Christmas with my in-laws (who aren’t in a position to host anyone else) I would invite him to have Christmas with us. Maybe another year. As it is, yes, I worry he will be lonely.

@YouAreNotBatman they're being weird!

No I don't worry about single friends - unless they've indicated they have a problem of some sort. If you haven't indicated anything I think it's a bit patronising.

They're weird. I'm single and have lots of busy, contented single friends. Tell the concerned busybodies to bugger off.

Well I worry about mt single friend. Just not about him being single. Because he has covid and is alone and I'm worried he won't look after himself. So take longer to get ok.

I worry because I like him. Not because he is single. I'd worry if he wasn't

(Also worried about a couple that are my friends both down with a bad bout of covid but at least their oldest boy is there looking after them)

This is my life. Always been told I need a 'fella' or pitying looks when I say I am single. It's depressing and patronising. I know so many people unhappy in their relationships but society is obsessed with couples and single people are made to feel lacking which in 2022 is just absurd.😕

Yes

I also know that when single I masked being fine but the reality is hard, very hard and I have two kids and dogs. I love aspects of being single and bloody hell lockdown was dire but I am ready for a relationship now and happy to be moving forward positively x

It's swings and roundabouts though isn't it.
Parts of being single are tough but so are relationships.
I just find it damaging and depressing that we are thought of as a concern or pitied because of being single. Sad really.

This. I have a friend who, once she has a few drinks, talks about how miserable she is in her relationship. She then says to me, 'so don't you want someone then?' What, to be like you? No thanks

I worry about family/friends who are unhappy or facing significant problems, their relationship status is irrelevant.

Yes, there’s one single relative whom I do worry about, because she’s got a lot of problems and is v. reliant on her now-elderly parents (who won’t be around forever). I She’ll be v. alone when they can no longer support her. But that’s her individual situation, many other single friends are fine and have great lives!

It is patronising and often comes from people who are shitscared of being alone and often have pathetic excuses of marriages.Yes some people may feel bereft without kids.They might be pointed towards fostering.Not the same but it helps others.Others need to be included in the lives of their friends kids rather than being patronised or excluded.Put your money where your mouth is.Btw many women i have known wit h breast cancer have taken their bestfriends with them to appointments not their crappy husbands.Dont assume about older single people and their health support.Or if u are worried help them yourself.we need to stop denigrating the single state, think more as communities and stop fetishising the often quite dysfunctional nuclear family.Aw im so worried about you and your arse of a husband... will be myreply to patronising shite comments...btw people lived in tribes not couples..

And that's exactly the point @lifter. You have legitimate reasons to be worried about your brother, but vocalising it wouldn't be helpful. But the OP is not in the same situation, yet people feel they can express it to her?
Im a widow, and the odd friend (and particularly one friend's husband) would ask me when I was going to 'get back out there and start dating' as if there's a line of eligible men interested in a 50 plus woman with primary aged kids. I'd be open to a relationship, but I'm not actively looking, and my social life is just fine thanks. If it happens great, but I'm rarely lonely (and some of my married friends say they are occasionally too), so don't mind if it doesn't.

My best friend says she worries about having no one to care for her in later life, I said I'll be there and she said I don't know that for sure. I do tho (unless I'm dead obvs)

It's patronising.

Single does not equal lonely for most people and anyway its well known that statistically marriage is detrimental to the health of women but actually extends men's lives - so it would seem being single is the healthy, sensible choice for women.