Do you worry about your single friend/relative?

[YouAreNotBatman]

Maybe strange question, but past maybe two-three monthd I’ve had four, FOUR, people saying they worry about me (me being single that is).

I honestly didn’t know what they were on about, or what to say.

Are they being weird, or am I?

Kind of, but probably not any more than I worry about couples who don't have children.
I worry who will be there to support them in old age and in failing health. Some people are close to neices and nephews which helps plug that gap. Others just aren't or don't have neices and nephews.

I worry who will be there to support them in old age and in failing health

I don't get this at all. If they are family, I can see you might be concerned, but it's massively patronising to assume that they haven't made plans for that. It seems that to some, people who don't have children and single people are deemed to be feckless wasters who never grew up, can't plan and arrange their lives for themselves and need someone to worry about them and sort them out.

Then my cousin made a comment how she worries about me (?) and wishes I’d find someone and be happy (??)

Unless you're constantly complaining about how unhappy you are being single, this comment seems really weird and presumptuous.

Do they have any reason to think you're unhappy being single, or are you at risk by living on your own for some reason (like mobility issues, risk of falls, etc)?

No! I never talk or think about these things, I just don’t care.

And no there isin’t any other actual reason to worry about me.

I worry about a family member who is eternally single but I wouldn’t dream of saying it to her.
she’s fine, done ok in life, confident, seems happy, lots of friends, well traveled.
i worry that she’s lonely especially as she gets to older age

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain how exactly do you make plans for old age, dementia kicking in, body starting to fail, being hospitalised (needing washing done etc) when your friends and siblings are also aging and in failing health and unable to lend much support.

Thats the sort of thing people rely on family and friends to support them with.

This reminds me of a single childless journalist who said her friends would ask her where she would go in her old age. Her reply was ‘the same nursing home that your children will put you in’

I do worry about my single relatives and friends, but it's because I know they'd like a partner. Mostly it's verbalised a lot but also from the way they live their lives.

I never say anything to them though. People used to say that to me when I was chronically single not out of choice and it's not helpful or particularly kind.

However, I'd be over the moon if they met someone.. particularly one whose whole life was buzzing and based on being young free and single but as his mates have paired off he's become clearly quite lonely.

But again saying it is not helpful. Either they don't want someone and will be a bit insulted, or they do and it highlights how hopeless their situation looks from the outside.

I'm single by choice. Not everyone needs a partner. Most of my married friends tell me I've got the right idea. And the more I see of the dead beat partners on Mumsnet the more I know I've made the right choice. Patronising melts

This!! Fucking pricks

Yes, I worry about my brother.

Mid 30s, never dated at all (to my knowledge), doesn't have many friends, lives with our parents who are getting on now, seems consistently low and depressed. I really worry about him.

I don't give a shit if people here find that patronising, it doesn't stop me wishing he'd managed to meet someone, I think his life would have been very different.

I'd never say that to him of course

With respect this is bollocks.

Some people are “pack animals” and feel unmoored if they are not in a relationship. A lot of people actually far prefer it and don’t need the baggage of having someone dependent on you. I have been long term single and in LTRs and I feel quite wistful about my single days.

But society is frightened of self sufficient people and likes to tell everyone (particularly women), that they aren’t complete unles they are washing someone’s socks.

OP if you were over 70, had chronic health issues and lived somewhere remote they may have a point. I’m assuming you’re not and therefore this is just people being small minded and judgemental. Ask them why they think everyone has to be like them and tell them you’re fine.

See the reply below yours.

Oh fuck off

@FuckConvoGiveMeAForest aaaand now I see why you're single, oh wait sorry "single by choice"

Are you always this patronising? Or is it just a festive thing?

I have several single friends and most of them I don't worry about. They are happy and successful women. I worry about other friends who are married with dc and perhaps unhappily married or struggling to balance work and kids and health- so many of us are absolutely knackered.

I wouldn't call it patronising as much as downright unpleasant. Someone disagrees with @movetduvet so we get the simpering comment that 'it's easy to see why YOU'RE single. Oh no, it's from choice, isn't it?' (with the heavy subtext that actually, no-one wants you).

This. I’d be far more inclined to worry about people trapped in miserable or claustrophobic marriages than single women. Many single women have chosen that life and prefer the independence.

I’ve been in a couple of short term relationships and also single too. I’ve also been with nice/not nice men (engaged twice) in long term relationships too.

As others have said, I know couples in nice and happy but also in unhappy, abusive relationships/marriages, some involving affairs and I do thank god I’m not involved in those!

I mean I’d love to meet someone nice but sadly at 51 the odds of that aren’t great so I’m fairly happy being single. Am dating though… so who knows?!

@Dotcheck because it’s incredibly patronising to assume that someone without a partner is someone to worry about

You wouldn’t believe the amount of women I meet or see in supposedly happy relationships where I’d run a mile.

But I come from a line of women who have divorced husbands (my DM twice and her DM my nana three times) and always told me not to stay with someone and be unhappy which in hindsight is a good thing.

Yes so you end up in a nursing home, but most people with dementia etc have a slow decline and its "other people" who make the plan - few people have the money to phone up a home and say "I've early stages of dementia can I move in" and often by the time it's recognised that someone has dementia they have lost the capacity to actually arrange the home.

Same with some sorting washing when they are in hospital, hospital won't do personal washing so you'd be reliant on hospital gowns.

That's where friends and family come into play. The 5 childless adults I know of 4 relied on a neice / nephew, 1 was reliant on a friends adult child to help them in their old age. And make the calls to the undertaker.

*With respect this is bollocks.

Some people are “pack animals” and feel unmoored if they are not in a relationship. A lot of people actually far prefer it and don’t need the baggage of having someone dependent on you. I have been long term single and in LTRs and I feel quite wistful about my single days.

But society is frightened of self sufficient people and likes to tell everyone (particularly women), that they aren’t complete unles they are washing someone’s socks.

OP if you were over 70, had chronic health issues and lived somewhere remote they may have a point. I’m assuming you’re not and therefore this is just people being small minded and judgemental. Ask them why they think everyone has to be like them and tell them you’re fine.*

Yes. It's possible to be self sufficient successful woman and be in a successful loving relationship, and not be "washing socks". But I see these cliches bandied about on this thread almost as a source of comfort or reason for people to defend their singleness.

Fine fine, you're all super happy being "single by choice", but to worry about someone living on their own/being single is not a patronising thing in and of itself. It is generally because they care!

I have a friend who is single by choice, recently diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, her health is deteriorating. She doesn't have anyone to share the full mental load of this, has had to go part time, which has had a much bigger impact on her than if she was in a relationship. Yes she has friends but quite frankly it's just not the same as a partner.

Also, thanks for the very narrow example of who is allowed to experience loneliness. I would wager that whilst anyone can experience loneliness, yes even those in relationships, I suspect people who are alone are more susceptible to it, though I doubt they would admit it on this thread.

It’s like the wide-eyed ‘But I don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want children’ threads. Some people aren’t capable of understanding that not everyone is like them.

I divorced in 2014 (no kids), I’ve never been happier or healthier, both mentally and physically. I have family & friends, a career I love, plenty of company but I am simply not meant to share a home with other people. Cats, yes.

I don’t understand how anyone can enjoy having people living with them, BUT they obviously do so that’s fine. I wouldn’t go starting threads about feeling sorry for them & anyone who feels sorry for me clearly doesn’t know me very well.