To have bought DD (14) some drinks for a party

[Sausagerollsnotturkey]

DD is 14 (year 9) and was invited to a party tonight. There were about 20 people there and I knew a few of them but not all. DD is pretty responsible and I do trust her. The girl’s parents were not there but her older sister (18 was there) as the parents are away on a mini break. I bought DD some drinks - nothing too intense just some Smirnoff ice and WKD. She came home about an hour ago and was a bit drunk. I personally don’t think this is an issue and I was doing far worse at her age. My MIL (staying for Christmas) on the other hand went absolutely ballistic and said how inappropriate this was. I genuinely don’t see the issue of a teenager going to a party and having a bit to drink. I don’t want to raise my kids to be joyless or uptight and I want them to actually have a good time. Aibu?

I think it's fine. Teenagers will be drinking anyway so might as well be alchopops and not spirits. At least she won't hide stuff from you if you trust her. My mum did same for me. I'm not a big drinker and I'm quite happy to tell my mum anything

I think 14 is too young.its 4 years below with legal age . Would.you he happy for her to try a bit of sex at 12 or a few cigarettes now, so she can enjoy it ?

Also an 18 year old supervising younger kids with alcohol is not appropriate.

She is 4 years away from being an adult. She doesn't need 4 years of prep to learn how to drink alcohol responsibly. Plus learning outside the home is not the way to do it.

Additionally if she is y9, then 2/3rds of the year will still be 13, so the chances are there will have been 13yos at the party too.

You are being so unreasonable. This is what makes parenting teens such a nightmare, other irresponsible parents to deal with as well as immature teens.

It really wasn't the norm

As someone once said when the drink is in the wit is out. No 18 year old organising a party is going to be focusing on the drunk or getting drunk 14 year old. Your daughter, no less, would be more open to exploitation and abuse from other less well intentioned 18 year olds. No court of law is going to say oh but the party organiser was 18. Most 18 year olds I know are fairly self absorbed and don't organise parties so they can look after younger adults.

Imo this is misjudged. If she was in your house a glass of wine maybe but wkd and snirnoff ice, they're spirits ? She is 14....Still physically developing. I find this really irresponsible of you.
If someone sexually assaulted her or physically abused her how could you justify yourself. She might be sensible when sober, but drunk ??? Ps the best times I've had are when I was sober. British society has an issue with equating getting absolutely plastered with 'having a good time' the 2 are often not interlinked. Quite the opposite.

For me i feel it was to much responsibility for the 18 year old. If the OP let her have a drink in their house or with parents there i would have accepted that. Leaving a 18 year old responsible for 14 year old isn't acceptable. I let my kids have a drink at home no problem when they where younger.

I just refused to buy alcohol for my fifteen year old at a party where parent was going to be present. Other kids did bring it along though and my daughter spent the night vomiting. Thanks to another child calling me I picked her up barely responsive and damp and cold as her school friends had decided the best way to sober her up was to push her outside in the garden in a tank top in the snow in minus temperatures. The parent there did nothing to help - did not even call me - though they did call an ambulance for another child who was even worse off.
so no I don't think kids are responsible at this age to be packed off to a party with a bottle of alcohol and no supervision.

i let my sim and daughter have a sip of my drinks if they want (7&12)

i wouldn’t give a 14 year old drinks to go out with personally

i think at 16 I might

Lol you've changed your tune:

I don’t want to raise my kids to be joyless or uptight and I want them to actually have a good time

In an ideal world, absolutely nobody (adult or child) would drink. Sadly, that is not the reality

I was a teen through the 90's when this was far more common and my friends and I got ourselves in some right old pickles over the years - and we were the more sensible crowd! Yes we had fun but I definitely don it want my dd's repeating it - It's not the norm for 14 year olds these days for a good reason. You're absolutely kidding yourself that there was appropriate adult supervision there too (sounds like you don't even know for sure she was even there and are just assuming she wasn't also drinking). It's really odd that you think life ar 14 is being and joyless without alcohol and that you need to prep her for adult life now several years prior to when it's actually legal. Not sure why you asked though as you clearly arent listen to anyone (almost everyone) who says YABU

This 100%
What 18 year old isn't going to.have friends round and take advantage of having a little drink too.
I'm.not too bothered about the giving of light alcoholic drinks but agree, only at home.

I was doing a lot worse at 14 - I'm talking hard class A drugs sadly. I appreciate what you're saying and that you don't feel its a big deal. Personally I wouldn't buy the alcohol myself for her, but I wouldn't have been horrified if she came back from a party drunk. You must be careful though as she is young and very vulnerable and anything could happen to an inexperienced girl (it happens to adults every day, myself included - in the past) such as being taken advantage of or god forbid sexually assaulted.

I’m parent of teens older than yours. YWBU.

You labour the point that there was adult supervision because the 18 y/o is an adult. I’m not clear whether the 18 y/o was involved in any discussion with you about being expected to provide adult supervision to young teens under the influence. It isn’t fair to hand over that level of responsibility without making the expectations very clear.

To just purchase and send alcohol to a party with a young teen - I assume also anticipating she would share it with other young teens? Very U.

*not going to take advantage

Just about to say the same thing. You asked for opinions but just keep getting defensive when faced with those that are saying YABU.

If the 18yo girl is responsible - like I was, she would know what to do in the case of emergency. I'm not condoning the behaviour at all as I would never willingly provide a 14yo with booze.

I'm not shocked that a few 14 year olds want to try some drinks at a party, I did at that age. Personally I wouldn't be buying them any at that age though. AT 14 I wanted to always do a little bit more than I was 'allowed' to do, mainly just for the sake of rebelling. If I wasn't allowed to drink at a party I might sneak a smirnoff ice. If I was allowed three alcopops hen I'd be trying to get hold of something stronger and doing shots. I also wouldn't know what other parents are happy with so by providing alcohol to your DD you're almost certainly providing it to someone else's child whose parents may not approve and who may do something irresponsible which you're then partly responsible for.

I agree giving a measured amount of alcohol to ds/dd to go to a party with the insistence of that’s all you drink however year 9 I believe is too young. The first party my ds went to was end of summer term party year 10. I alway say ds only goes if a parent(s) is present and always check with them that they are ok with alcohol. No matter the time I always drop off and pick up. Fast forward 5 years he is studying medicine, loves travelling and alcohol and night clubbing not high on his agenda.

agree, this was very very far from the norm, and the children that were doing that 20 years ago are certainly not only 0.001% likely to have suffered detrimental consequences from this behaviour.

I would estimate that it is more likely that around 90% will have suffered from this, in terms of health, finances, relationships and educational outcomes.

Completely ridiculous thing to do.

Also I've always hated alcoholic drinks masquerading as overly sweet child friendly beverages. No idea why that is thought to be a good idea.

I'm not condoning this, but I was a very mature 18 year old. I had seen and experienced a lot by that age though. I definitely wouldn't want my son to follow in the same footsteps as his father and I.

Come back in 4 years and tell us whether your DD is capable of supervising a teenage party at 18 "because she's an adult".
I would have let DD drink at 14, but I wouldn't have been providing it for parties and I'd be pretty fucked off with you if your kid was sharing it with mine and I didn't know.
However, all your responses appear to be written by her, with your immature justification that the 18 year old would sort everything out, so I'm not surprised this happened and you clearly cant see an issue with it.

At 14, no. 16-17 probably.

We did sneak around and drink a bit at 14 but it would have been weird for a parent to buy it for us.

In my experience it was the kids with the permissive 'cool' parents who ended up trashed and passing out/vomiting/out of their minds.

Nothing wrong with a glass of wine at home or dinner or whatever, but that's different. That actually encourages responsible drinking and a healthy relationship with alcohol - not sending them off at 14 with alcopops because you don't want them to be 'uptight.'

@Sausagerollsnotturkey

I really dont know what to suggest to mitigate the damage that has been already done

The only way forward that I can see would be to sit down with her today and explain to her that you realised you have made a serious error of judgement, and that because you have listened to your MIL, you now see that there are likely to be consequences in her life from allowing unsupervised drinking at such a young age.

Apologise to her, and warn her not to expect such a response from you again. In reality, you have let the cat out of the bag, and are unlikely to have any influence over getting it back in, but you can hope that your words make and impression, even if only to a small extent