To have bought DD (14) some drinks for a party

[Sausagerollsnotturkey]

DD is 14 (year 9) and was invited to a party tonight. There were about 20 people there and I knew a few of them but not all. DD is pretty responsible and I do trust her. The girl’s parents were not there but her older sister (18 was there) as the parents are away on a mini break. I bought DD some drinks - nothing too intense just some Smirnoff ice and WKD. She came home about an hour ago and was a bit drunk. I personally don’t think this is an issue and I was doing far worse at her age. My MIL (staying for Christmas) on the other hand went absolutely ballistic and said how inappropriate this was. I genuinely don’t see the issue of a teenager going to a party and having a bit to drink. I don’t want to raise my kids to be joyless or uptight and I want them to actually have a good time. Aibu?

My daughter is the same age and I’d hate to think of her drinking at a party unsupervised by adults. At 14, you don’t know when you’ve had enough and being drunk for the first time can feel terrifying. What if something went wrong?
A friend recently hosted a party for 15-year-olds that went very wrong. Both parents were present at least, but the kids brought masses of alcohol and one of them ended up slumped unconscious on the floor.

I also find the attitude that you can’t have a good party without a drink a strange thing to be teaching your kids. No idea if you’re British or not, but it certainly sounds like British culture… and it’s the reason why weekend nights are an absolute nightmare in A & E depts.

I know of too many things that have happened at teen parties to be all right with this. The entire logic that kids need to practise drinking because once they go to a nightclub they'll be getting drunk is something you made up. It all sounds a bit too much like "cool parent" syndrome.

You didn’t just allow her to drink you encouraged her. You said it yourself - she is FOUR years away from being an adult. That’s nearly 30% of her life. In your opinion how much drinking practice do you need before you’re an adult? I didn’t drink at all until I was 18. Probably due to growing up with an alcoholic father I imagine. I am neither joyless nor uptight, I enjoy alcohol now and sometimes I have too much. But I’ve never drunk til I vomited or passed out at a party. So missing those crucial four years of teenage drinking doesn’t seem to have hurt me too much. Gosh maybe it was actually better to learn my limits when I was an actual adult and not a child?

Not RTFT, but you were well out of order supplying alcohol to an under age child. Your MIL was on the money.

Your identification with alcohol and and having good time is a shit example to give to anyone, never mind your own child.

I’ve just redo my safeguarding training at work, and giving alcohol to underage teens is considered abuse. I felt conflicted at first because my parents were like yours, at 14 I was allowed to drink at parties (with/without adults present). But then when I thought about it, I was coerced and sexually assaulted at many of these parties too (not that I appreciated that at the time) the alcohol lowered my defences and my ability to reason.

Dd you see the Chanel 4 documentary about sexual harassment. When the undercover presenter was acting tipsy, abusive men were like flies to the honey. It was frightening and eye opening. The men and boys that assaulted me were not ransoms off the street but people we knew, taking their chances at opportune moments. So on reflection I think YABU. Your first job as a mother is to keep your daughter safe, not provide her with the means to reduce her capacity for safety.

I think it’s too young too. My daughter went to her first proper party at 16 and was allowed one of those little cans of peach wine stuff. The parents were there but stayed upstairs. I wasn’t overly keen at 16. I wouldn’t do it at 14.

It's a bit young. You really don't need to prep your 14 year old for clubbing yet! Their brains still have a lot of developing to go through.

It's also a bit much to ask an 18 year old to be responsible for your 14 year old. They should be responsible for themselves at that age.

You're very defensive OP, why post a thread if you're not interested in others' views?

Tragic 😥

Urm not every teenager lies through their teeth. Agree some do but letting them have free reign to drink/have sex etc because “they’ll do it anyone” is lazy parenting.

I think you’re wrong for allowing your kid to go to a house with no parents there. Sod the “ooh, 18 year old overseeing” argument. You let your 14 year old go somewhere that adults weren’t present.

There is a huge difference with accepting that an 18 year old is an adult and could be responsible for their own life. Versus them being responsible for your young teenager.

Too young. Shit slack parenting.

This thread makes me sad. Your child needs a parent not a friend. I wouldn't mind letting her have the odd drink at home, with her friends where you know she is safe. But providing her with drinks to go to an unsupervised teenage party is another thing entirely.

My DSIS was a similar age when she went to a party like this. She got drunk and was locked in a room with an older teen\man. It was only luck, that he was interrupted that she was not raped that night.

18 years old is an adult she may live independently and very capable of doing so. However she only 4 years older than her sister and some of the others that were there. Thats a lot of responsibility for the 18 year old. Also if the police came your 18 year old would have been responsible for them and could have been charged with supplying kids under age with alcohol. This could have lead to her getting kicked out of uni. I have no issues with a 14 year old having a few drinks at home. You've no idea who was at the party. Anyone could have spiked her drink took advantage of her.

My 16 year old (most of her mates 17) had her first proper party recently with boys and some booze. When my 14 year old and her friend plucked up the courage to join in heard Dd 1 tell an anecdote that one lad offered dd2 a drink and dd1 laughingly stopped him as “she’s only 14”. Both 14 year olds were stone cold sober at the end of the night. So a load of 17 year olds showed better judgement and were more protective of the younger teens than the op whose an actual parent

No OP, too young. A drunk 14 year old is in a very vulnerable position. You put her in that position. What if someone sexually assaulted her? It would ruin her life. You MIL is absolutely right.

I reckon a lot of the people saying this is not ok probably still have 4 year olds. I think 14 if fine for a few alcopops, it's not like you sent her with a 2 bottles of gin. Presumably you knew where she was, and she had a time time to be home. And she was a bit tipsy rather than blind drunk. Completely appropriate for a 14 year old, and great practice for when she's 18 and can get her hands on as much of the stuff as she wants/can afford.

I reckon a lot of the people saying this is not ok probably still have 4 year olds
Nope. That's just how the shit parents justify supplying alcohol to children. "oh, you don't know what it's like, they all do it"
No, they don't. Certain types, for sure, then they're on the teen boards wondering why they have arsehole children. Way too much time spent being 'friends' rather than parents 🤷‍♀️

Can totally see why we have such an issue as a society. Anyone supplying alcohol to a 14yr old is, at best, irresponsible.

But the sister is 18 which makes her an adult. I don’t mean you must have a drink to have a good time but it certainly helps.

Well that's not what you want to be teaching your child. I wouldn't have an issue with my child if he wanted a drink inside the home at 14, but I wouldn't send him to a random persons home. You don't know if his parents were happy with their being alcohol there, you don't know the people there. Your child being drunk put herself in a vulnerable position and you seem quite proud of that. children, even teenagers, need parental guidance, not friendship.

I reckon a lot of the people saying this is not ok probably still have 4 year olds.

And no, my child is nearly a teenager. I just don't believe allowing a child to get drunk when OP can't see what's happening, is a good idea. I'm surprised parents are okay with young teenage girls putting themselves in vulnerable positions.

My DD is 14 and Year 9 and I feel horrified by this. It is way too young to make good adult decisions about her own welfare. Also, it is so easy to have fun at parties without alcohol at that age. I just don’t get it. 16 maybe, but 14 year olds are just kids.

Finding this post a bit sad tbh.

And OP seemingly to suggest that she's preparing her child for things that may happen in 4+ years a bit weird.

Why start an aibu thread and then just berate anyone with a different opinion to you? 😅

I recall having my first party at 14 (which was just a few people, not many). We managed to source alcohol without my parents knowing. We were in the outside studio for a bit of independence. Wasn’t long before they had to ferry at least one kid home vomiting out of the window. They were very much needed. I doubt the eighteen year old you relied upon would’ve been providing quite the same service.

I’m more than happy to have a good few drinks but think the more you provide yourself the more pissed they’ll be, they’ll be sourcing their own too, and at 14 it won’t take much!

I’m not going to deny DD the same quality of life I had because I did drink and go out with my friends at that age

Aim higher, OP.

The damage done to this child is likely to be irreparable. 14 years old and taught that it is joyless and uptight not to drink alcohol. Thank God for the MIL - sounds like the only voice of reason in this child's life, and the only hope she has of hearing any healthy influence. WHether it is enough to counteract a mother who provides alcohol at 14 and teaches her that she will be seen as oyless and uptight if she doesn't drink it, remains to be seen.

This is not parenting, this is criminal neglect, and this is likely to have adverse repercussions on this poor child for life.