To have bought DD (14) some drinks for a party

[Sausagerollsnotturkey]

DD is 14 (year 9) and was invited to a party tonight. There were about 20 people there and I knew a few of them but not all. DD is pretty responsible and I do trust her. The girl’s parents were not there but her older sister (18 was there) as the parents are away on a mini break. I bought DD some drinks - nothing too intense just some Smirnoff ice and WKD. She came home about an hour ago and was a bit drunk. I personally don’t think this is an issue and I was doing far worse at her age. My MIL (staying for Christmas) on the other hand went absolutely ballistic and said how inappropriate this was. I genuinely don’t see the issue of a teenager going to a party and having a bit to drink. I don’t want to raise my kids to be joyless or uptight and I want them to actually have a good time. Aibu?

I was allowed a few drinks at 14. I was responsible at that age.

I honestly think it worked out better. I never viewed alcohol the way my peers did. I actually barely drank at all.

I wondering if this is a reverse by the MIL.

I want her to have street smarts and something about her in future so she doesn’t end up placing herself at abject risk when she does start going out out

If you want her to be "street smart" then getting her alcohol because she clearly cant "have a good time" without being pissed/tipsy is hardly the way to protect her is it? Yes, I want you to be safe so lets get you vodka, that will impair your judgement, make you uncoordinated, and lower your inhibitions, definitely reducing your "risk" level there. Good grief.

A lot of attention is going towards the 18 year old. For me, even if the parents were there, I wouldn’t feel comfortable sending my 14 year old to a party with booze in her hand.

At home, it’s okay, but 14 is still young, particularly if coming home drunk. Does not sit right with me at all.

I and my DS were raised where alcohol wasn't an issue but at that age it was only a few beers with a family meal or Christmas with family. But she is your DC and you raise her as you see fit.

Despite both of us being allowed to drink from quite young neither of us are that interested in alcohol.

Mine were 15 before I was okay with a bit of alcohol at parties where I knew there was a responsible adult and they were at sixth form before I started to be a little more relaxed. However, my real concern here is an 18-year-old supervising.

My DS is 19 and just home from his first term at university and my DD is 21. both of them are pretty switched on, sensible adults. They will often go out without drinking. They are aware of what their mates are doing when they are out for an evening and they all look out for each other. However, both still need some looking after themselves on occasion and each has had an incident involving alcohol in the last few months. No way would I let them supervise anyone under 18.

It's a shame you are passing on your dysfunctional relationship with alcohol on to your child.

The being "a bit drunk" is where I felt sorry for your dd, OP.
Year 9 is too young. Unless, perhaps, she is street-smart beyond her years and so came home in a taxi which she had pre-booked because she sensed that she was starting to feel drunk?

Most Y9s are 13 at this point in the year, mine is and I'll let her have 1 drink at home but there's no way I would send her to a party with 3.

Absolutely

Agree especially under guise I don’t want to be uptight etc

Sorry OP, you're being really obtuse by continually insisting that there was adult supervision. An 18 year old doesn't count as responsible adult supervision. If one of the girls had got very drunk, that would have been an unacceptable situation to place the 18 year old in. She may well be at the "age of majority" but most reasonable grown ups wouldn't say that an 18 year old present with a group of 14 year olds is them being supervised by an adult. There is clear research that shows that the brains of young people are still developing and in "teenage mode" until the age of 25. So, nobody is inaccurate in saying that there wasn't appropriate adult supervision - there just wasn't. You can tell yourself there was because she meets the legal definition of adult if you like.

I agree with other posters - there is no way that I would have sent my DS to an unsupervised party armed with booze at age 14. That doesn't mean I'm denying him quality of life and it doesn't mean he will be ill-prepared for experiences with alcohol in the future. They're fourteen, OP.

Another classic AIBU thread - you've not come for opinions because you've had those and don't like them. OP: AIBU? Mumsnet: Yes, sorry. OP: No, I'm not! Why bother asking if you're so convinced of your own moral rectitude already?

Hi OP, another YABVU.What do you think Social Services or the police would say, if you asked this question? I wish I could share details from safeguarding strategy meetings which I have attended. Your MIL will see you very differently after this. Surely her Dad is worried you think this is OK?

I think it was irresponsible. A drink at home with you present at 14 then maybe, but sending her out with alcohol would be a complete no. I may have snuck the odd drink at that age but I’m sure as hell my parents wouldn’t have supplied it!

One 18 year old to supervise a group of drinking teens is not appropriate either. Did she even agree to this or was she made the de facto supervisor because she was the only person of legal adult age in the house?

You’re obviously determined that you’re in the right over this, I think your decision was incredibly daft.

I wouldn’t send my Y9 child to a party with alcohol. I would let them have a couple at a party with me.

Mine are 14 and 16 and I think it’s shit parenting to the pp trying to paint us as idealistic parents of toddlers 🙄.

As I said upthread dd1 hosted her first teen party aged 16 recently. I was there out of the way but there and it was tough tbh. One child did throw up so I called her mum. I did frequent welfare checks. It was bloody stressful NO WAY could an 18 year old have managed that I struggled at 48.

Oh and it was a Saturday night I like my wine but didn’t touch a drop as I was literally “on duty” all evening til the dads arrived At midnight to pick them up.

I am with your MIL on this one I'm afraid. I have a 16 year old dd and I wouldn't even let her go to a party with alcohol. At 18 she can do as she pleases but until then!

There are a few issues here that I don't think you have considered:

1. This is a safeguarding issue and if Children's Services got wind of this, they would be investigating matters further and possibly taking further action.

1. As you have sent your dd to a party with alcohol, potentially supplying other 14 year olds with drink, you are supplying alcohol to minors. This could open you up to prosecution as it is illegal in the U.K. If my dd had gone to a party and I found out other parents had sent alcohol for her to also drink, I would be contacting the police.

1. You do not know what effect the drink would have on your dd and you don't know what else she could get hold of and drink. She only has to have 1/4 of a bottle of vodka and she would be hospitalised, which would then result in an automatic referral to social services.

1. It is highly unlikely that the 18 year old was even in the same room as the other kids. She was probably off doing her own thing which means your dd could have got up to anything. She could have engaged in underage sex and you put her in a position where she could have been sexually assaulted or raped.

1. You do not even know if the parents or whose house it was approved of this. If they weren't aware that there was a party, let alone alcohol being sent by other parents, you have opened yourself up to a fair amount of legal action.

You are kidding yourself if you think it’s 0.0001% - it’s way more common than that.

Not every night out with alcohol at that age ends in sexual assault - but of the ones that do you can bet alcohol is 100% a factor.

Firstly, There's a legal drinking age for a reason! Due to extensive research about the adverse risks and effects of children drinking.

Secondly 2 months ago my daughter was within walking distance from our house when she was at a friend's and some 18 year olds arrived for the party. She was strangled and raped, survived thankfully he's now in jail.
I've since spent alot time teaching her about her responsibilities regarding her own safety, there will always be monsters out there but we must choose safe choices and risk assessment.

I'd thinking coming home alive is better than having a good time!!!

I used to send a bottle of the Caribbean brand ready mixed which is 4% never got drunk. That said we hosted a party, said we would provide drinks but one girl brought prosecco and one brought vodka meaning my tightly controlled amounts of alcohol were out of the window (and the mum told me she sent prosecco for everyone, completely fine with it)

YABVU. I think you are trying to be the ‘cool mum’ here but dd will not thank you for it in the long run. Your MIL is right.

At 14 you shouldn’t need drink to have fun.
this could be setting a life long reliance on alcohol and also affecting her development physically and mentally.
I too was a hooch drinking teen, my parents never gave me access but my friends parents let her and gave her hooch, smirnoff and cider.
this is cruel and I regret it but we prob only hung around her because we could get alcohol.
it always progresses too- by 16 I was drinking vodka, whiskey and rum. I was reliant on alcohol throughout my teens and 20’s as a way to overcome my shyness and feel more confident.
I have some horror stories of been in situations or saying and doing things that I would never do sober.

you also didn’t just give your daughter permission- you sent alcohol to a party with a group of teens- only the strongest willed would be able to not have a drink for fear of being bullied about not drinking.
peer pressure is hard at this age.
you gave permission to all of them to drink.
as a mum if my daughter came home tipsy or drunk I would be contacting the parent of the child who bought the alcohol I would not be happy.
I might even get the police involved for supplying to underage teens.

And by the way, those of you with under 14's are kidding yourselves, alcohol was the least of my concerns at parties - cannabis was openly smoked often and my DD's have called me more than a few times to fetch them because they hate the smell. Liberal wealthy lefty type area if you know what I mean.

Mine are adults now and got through the university years sensibly too - I think my policy of allowing some alcohol worked

Too young in my opinion. Would do it for 16 year old not 14.