Parents want baby in their bed

[JulianCasa]

Argh please help!

Staying at parents for Xmas. Have brought baby DC.

Nice night, said goodnight, they asked what time DC will be up - around 6.30. Then said send him in to us. As in - into their bed!! I found this bizarre so politely said no it’s okay, we like that morning time. Then they pleaded with me to give them a chance!! I just pulled a face as if to say WTF and walked out 🙈

But now I am panicking about how to say no in the morning without causing WW3! My parents can get quite sensitive when it comes to DC.

So as not to drip feed, this has happened before. Last time I stayed here with DC and not DH. My dad came into the room in the morning when he heard us up, I presumed to help. He took my DC and took DC into the bed with my mum. They were also half dressed. Regardless of that, I don’t want DC going into their bed until DC themself can choose to do that.

I just find it all so weird but really need some advice on how to handle this situation delicately!?

My MIL overstepped many boundaries when dd was a baby. Trying to pick her up off my chest mid-bf for a cuddle while dd was breastfeeding was a classic example. She often tried to 'do' one-offs and 'firsts' which she'd had her turn of with her own children - It felt like an intrusion into our time as new parents. She'd also insist on trying to settle dd in the night when what she needed was a feed, and once actually took dd from the cot when we'd only just settled her after a really difficult night. But these things didn't sit well because MIL didn't respect that I was the mum, not her, and she didn't listen to what my baby needed. She made it about her.

But... morning happens 365 days a year. You'll have many more mornings while your baby is still a baby, but this might be one of only a couple of times your parents get to enjoy a morning cuddle. Presumably you have every weekend and holiday, even if your weekdays are busy? It doesn't sound like your parents are trying to intrude on something you won't get the chance to do with your baby again. If your baby is already awake and fed this sounds like a good deal all round.

??? Perfectly normal in this family for GC to come in our bed in the mornings.

This. Gives you a bit of a sleep in.

And how lucky your DC are(is?) to have such doting grandparents. Your gate keeping attitude is - odd.

If I ever have grandchildren I would love a cuddle with them in my bed, especially if they were babies. I think you are being a bit weird tbh

Wait, what? Are you suggesting there's something inappropriate about your child getting in bed with their grandparents? The world has gone mad. Me and my 4 siblings would all pile into my grandparents bed every morning when we stayed over! We'd then kick our dear gramps out to go downstairs and bring us breakfast in bed. The fondest memories.

My DC always loved a cuddle with grandparents in bed in the morning (and I loved the lie in). Nothing wierd at all. That said you must be reluctant for a reason. Maybe your parents are too pushy generally and you automatically push back, maybe there's something particular about being in bed you don't like? It's certainly your choice and if there's a reason you don't want them cuddling in bed it's your perrogative to say no.

A lot of people seem to be telling you you're unreasonable but it doesn't matter, your boundaries are your boundaries. This is what I dislike about mn, people forgot we're not all the same and are comfortable with different things, and that's ok!
If you don't like it you're well within your rights to say 'no we're fine here for now thanks, we'll be out soon'. I would hate someone coming in the room I'm staying in and taking my dc without being asked, regardless of where they were taking them!

People who find it weird or inappropriate for children to get into their grandparents' bed are seriously messed up.

My DC can’t climb in or even agree to it though, I just think it’s odd and not their place. He’s our baby, not theirs

Ime babies make it very clear whether they agree to something or otherwise and have no inhibitions or send e of duty to prevent them doing so. I'm really struggling to see the issue. Your baby will cry if they are unhappy!

Your baby can not consent (although if he is unhappy he would cry) Therefore it's your job to decide what's safe/appropriate for him. It's very normal for grandparents to cuddle grandchildren in bed and as long as you have no concerns there's no reason they can't do that. But if you don't want them to that's your choice and you need to be clear. Say baby will be feeding etc but you will let them know when your up. Then get up and see them downstairs. There probably trying to give you a break but if you don't want to accept it say no.

For all that you protest, there is clearly something sinister concerning you or this just wouldn't be a problem. Given you're worried about their motives, you really need to stop building a relationship between your child and the grandparents. It isn't appropriate for you to be allowing bits of contact when you have suspicions about how your parents behave.

You're being weird. Let them do it and you can have a lie in or cuppa in bed. Let them help and not be that parent!

I totally understand. I find it vvv strange too. Pil did it once and shocked me and felt vvv uncomfortable. I get around it now but changing her into clothes. Love morning cuddles with dd and DH but DD is our baby. Feels wrong with grandparents. Just tell them. Yanbu. Anyone who says you are doesn't realise how uncomfortable it makes you feel. As parent you in charge. Dfil who normally very good told DD she can stay up on Christmas Eve past her bedtime. I said no she can't as I'm the parent and she be tried on Christmas day so she going to bed at normal bedtime so rested for Santa and Christmas day.

This. My grandchildren always got in with us when staying over without parents. The insistence is a bit odd but otherwise I'd say it was normal. If you think your own parents have dodgy motives that's different.

I don’t think there’s any weird motive. My eldest did exactly that many times and has a lovely relationship with my parents

Yes. I actually find this kind of thread quite worrying. There's 'boundaries' but some children seem to be being deliberately deprived of love and affection from wider family. Talking generally here not this specific instance.

My parents do the same but I love it. Get a bit of time to myself! But each to their own and if it's a boundary you have, make sure to enforce it or they'll walk all over you for other things too.

It's weird for grandparents to lie in bed with their grandchildren?

Ffs

I used to be really grateful that my parents would get up early with dc feed them and take them into bed. I can’t see the issue personally . Mine have a brilliant bond now they are teens and it started way back then.

Some of my happiest childhood memories were getting into bed with my Granny on Christmas morning and showing her what Father Christmas had brought me. It was our tradition too whenever we stayed with her to snuggle into bed with her when we woke up. Never tasted anything so delicious as the custard cream and a beaker of Kia Ora that we used to be waiting for me on her bedside table at 6.30am .

But I was older, and it was totally my decision to do it. I doubt very much that either of my grannies would have charged into my parent's bedroom and whisked us off when we were babes in arms. They would probably have offered, to give mum and dad a nice lie in, but certainly wouldn't have taken offence or forced the issue if the answer had been no. I think that is the problem here for OP, that the grandparents are trying to take control and push boundaries and they probably have "form" for doing so.

everyone has different ways of doing things and different comfort zomes. If it doesnt feel comfortable and natural saying no is fine. The grandparents wanting this beyond the comfort zone of the parent or wishes of the child is the red flag. The OP feeling like thier will be WW3 if she decines is the red flag. They sound entitled

I'm in 2 minds. Some of my happiest childhood memories involved me and my brother getting into bed with my granny and gramps every time we stayed. Gramps would get tea for him and gran and milk and biscuits for us and we'd chat and cuddle. Never did it with my grandma as she wasn't that kind of grandparent.

With my own kids, they didn't really do it but I would bring them down early and my dad would already be up (very early riser). I'd sort them out with nappies and bottles whilst my dad made me tea and my mum got up then I'd be shunted off back upstairs for a nap and they'd play/give breakfast/watch tv etc.

But certainly with my kids it followed my lead. After the first time we visited when they were very small and my parents got a bit overexcited and over stepped (waking them from naps, deciding they didn't need bottles when they did etc). I spoke to my parents after that had they good grace to take as intended that I knew my babies best. It wasn't possessive, it was pointing out I had twin babies and sanity revolved around routine. After that I happily chucked them all together and the 4 of them were/are very close.

So it's not unreasonable to stick to a boundary at all. It's unreasonable of them not to respect that. Perhaps if they did you'd feel more comfortable in allowing some flexibility.

Wow some of you really have been on the wine and not bothered to read the full thread at all.
OP has stated her child is a BABY and can't consent. All this reminiscing of childhood memories of getting into grandparents beds are irrelevant 🙃
Secondly her inlaws have crossed boundaries before and this is another thing that makes the OP feel uncomfortable because they will barge into their bedroom while staying over. (Crossing yet another boundary).
OP also breastfeeds and I bet my bottom dollar that is something they are trying to disrupt. (Occuring theme with overbearing in laws it seems).

Say NO OP. Ignore the previous posters with their rose tinted glasses on that have had a drink and are calling you unfair. This time of year makes people nostalgic and batshit.

Do you trust your parents?

When my children stay at my parents, they sleep in a big bed with my Mum, then in the morning they all go for cuddles in bed with my Dad and my Mum and have hot chocolate. The dogs are also involved!

They love doing this and I never thought to question it. They do something similar with their other set of grandparents and again, I trust them.

I did exactly the same with my grandparents and I have lovely memories of cups of tea in bed with my Nana.

If it is something that bothers you though, of course don't allow it. They do seem a bit pushy about it but isn't it just to let you have a lie in and time to bond with their grandchild?

It is weird! My parents had a very close relationship with my brothers kids but they just wouldn't have done that.
Particularly icky as you are breast feeding.