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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents want baby in their bed

167 replies

JulianCasa · 23/12/2022 22:39

Argh please help!

Staying at parents for Xmas. Have brought baby DC.

Nice night, said goodnight, they asked what time DC will be up - around 6.30. Then said send him in to us. As in - into their bed!! I found this bizarre so politely said no it’s okay, we like that morning time. Then they pleaded with me to give them a chance!! I just pulled a face as if to say WTF and walked out 🙈

But now I am panicking about how to say no in the morning without causing WW3! My parents can get quite sensitive when it comes to DC.

So as not to drip feed, this has happened before. Last time I stayed here with DC and not DH. My dad came into the room in the morning when he heard us up, I presumed to help. He took my DC and took DC into the bed with my mum. They were also half dressed. Regardless of that, I don’t want DC going into their bed until DC themself can choose to do that.

I just find it all so weird but really need some advice on how to handle this situation delicately!?

OP posts:
NeedAHoliday2021 · 23/12/2022 23:55

@Overthehill123 i read it like that too, possessive is the right word. My child is mine… all very weird language.

Okaaaay · 23/12/2022 23:56

My parents were a bit like this (particularly my Dad). It made me uncomfortable too - not because of it being about the baby being in bed, but that he thought it was ok and his decision to make. It’s hard to describe. The doll thing resonates. What made it easier for me to say no was that baby would want to be with me, I knew that for a fact, so she stayed with me. I generally disliked anyone trying to take my baby unnecessarily (snuggles and cuddles galore were fine but there was a vibe of them wanting her away from me). Again nothing untoward at all, just a strange power / parent dynamic which I can’t describe. They were besotted with her to be fair.

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 23/12/2022 23:58

I'm in two minds about this tbh.

As a parent of younger children ((well I was once lol) I would find this a bit weird.

But now as a parent of an adult child if I am lucky enough to have GC I would love to recreate those snuggly mornings where you pop the littlest in the middle and have a dozy cuddly half hour. I really really miss those times.

Womencanlift · 24/12/2022 00:00

Possessive was the word that came to my mind as well. You get every day with your child OP, why be so precious about the 1-2 days you are spending with your parents?

On the “this is not normal for me” comments it always surprises me how formal some families are when reading MN threads. My family it wouldn’t be a second thought for GPs to take baby for a cuddle to let parents have a well earned rest. Benefit of being/having a guest in my eyes

playyourcardswrite · 24/12/2022 00:01

Your baby can't agree to cuddles in general, so I'm not really getting that argument.

Original poster
JulianCasa · 24/12/2022 00:03

I’m leaving this thread now as it’s not very nice to be on the receiving end of all this now. Being told I’m horrible because I feel this is a boundary I don’t want overstepping. I’m actually quite hurt at some of the things people have said, and if you haven’t done so then I’d encourage you to read all of my posts on this thread.

Thanks for the supportive replies from those who sent them. xxx

OP posts:
ImustLearn2Cook · 24/12/2022 00:06

@JulianCasa I don’t think it’s odd to feel uncomfortable with people bulldozing over your boundaries.

Sure, they can ask. But it is inappropriate to keep insisting after you have said no. And to come in and take the baby after you said no is also inappropriate.

Pp are focusing on whether it’s weird or inappropriate for grandparents to want their grandchildren to snuggle together in bed.

But I don’t think that’s your issue. Your issue is that they are not respecting your boundaries.

Honestly, I found as a first time mum with a baby there were people who I definitely had to be firmer with boundaries. Some people just have the attitude that as a first time parent you don’t know anything or you have precious firstborn issues. So, they don’t think they have to respect your parenting decisions.

TokenGinger · 24/12/2022 00:08

Unless there's any underlying concerns, I wouldn't find this strange at all. My mum looks after DS two days a week. I always walk into his room at nap time on my lunch break and find them both cuddled up asleep together.

OneDayFri · 24/12/2022 00:11

JulianCasa · 23/12/2022 22:39

Argh please help!

Staying at parents for Xmas. Have brought baby DC.

Nice night, said goodnight, they asked what time DC will be up - around 6.30. Then said send him in to us. As in - into their bed!! I found this bizarre so politely said no it’s okay, we like that morning time. Then they pleaded with me to give them a chance!! I just pulled a face as if to say WTF and walked out 🙈

But now I am panicking about how to say no in the morning without causing WW3! My parents can get quite sensitive when it comes to DC.

So as not to drip feed, this has happened before. Last time I stayed here with DC and not DH. My dad came into the room in the morning when he heard us up, I presumed to help. He took my DC and took DC into the bed with my mum. They were also half dressed. Regardless of that, I don’t want DC going into their bed until DC themself can choose to do that.

I just find it all so weird but really need some advice on how to handle this situation delicately!?

You really are something. Are you trying to say your parents are paedophiles? Because that's what I take from the "half-dressed" comment. If they are, then never visit them and certainly don't take your children to them. If they are not, you have a problem. These are your parents. They love you and love their grandchildren. What's wrong with them snuggling up with their grandchildren?

dancingdaisies · 24/12/2022 00:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 24/12/2022 00:13

I have one grandchild, and I can easily imagine enjoying a snuggle in bed with them, reading a book or telling them stories - it sounds like a lovely, grandparently thing to do.

BUT I wouldn’t demand to do it, and if I asked, and either my ds or my dil were not happy about it, that would be that - I certainly wouldn’t plead or start WW3 when they said No.

@JulianCasa - if you aren’t happy, then that should be the end of it.

Nanny0gg · 24/12/2022 00:14

JulianCasa · 23/12/2022 23:23

Not once did I say I was worried about their motives.

i find it weird that they are trying to parent my child - I guess they do this a lot like wanting to do all his firsts with him. Taking him into bed to me is what WE do on our days off together, it’s our thing not theirs. It’s weird that they’re overstepping boundaries.

I’m not worried about their motives or ‘foul play’ as someone said above. This suggestive language is really unfair.

Show quote history

Other things might be them trying to 'parent', but this situation is not one of them.

Your child, you'll do what you want. But personally I think you're wrong and all they're trying to do is to have some special time with their DGC.

Rustyhandlebars · 24/12/2022 00:17

I am a gran and wouldn't do this with baby. Different if i was taking care or child was older. I still wouldn't go into your room.
Best wishes

Gagaandgag · 24/12/2022 00:18

Hi Op, I am wondering what your own childhood was like? Did you ever go in your parents or grandparents bed?

There are deeper long standing issues here

Soothsayer1 · 24/12/2022 00:19

He’s our baby, not theirs
@JulianCasa. I'm with you, they are being pushy, trying to out rank you/overrule you.

Sarahcoggles · 24/12/2022 00:19

OP I think babies make it quite clear if they don't want to do something. They cry. So you don't have to wait till they're walking and talking before decisions can be made. If your baby is taken into your parents room and isn't happy, you'll know about it.

JoanOfAllTrades · 24/12/2022 00:21

I used to have my DS coming in for cuddles - after he turned 18! So his son always rushed in to my bed for cuddles when I looked after him.

Nothing at all suspicious or cause for concern. I think DS used to do it because it was a thing he always did, and when I was having a lie-in and just reading a book, he would jump on to the bed on DH’s side (not under the covers). Always brought a cup of tea for me too…..

Soothsayer1 · 24/12/2022 00:24

for me the real problem is not so much that they are asking, it's that they wont take no for an answer, that they are prone to 'kicking off' if they dont get their own way with OP's children.
I think a firm 'no' and then refuse to discuss is what I'd do, send a clear message that YOU are the boss OP!

marvellousmaple · 24/12/2022 00:29

SO possessive. "mine , mine, mine" Baby is a person not a pet. You need to give yourself a talking to about that.

marvellousmaple · 24/12/2022 00:30

playyourcardswrite · 24/12/2022 00:01

Your baby can't agree to cuddles in general, so I'm not really getting that argument.

You need to remember this too OP.

ExpensiveOops · 24/12/2022 00:31

marvellousmaple · 24/12/2022 00:29

SO possessive. "mine , mine, mine" Baby is a person not a pet. You need to give yourself a talking to about that.

The same thing can be said about the grandparents. Lmao

Disabrie22 · 24/12/2022 00:37

OP, your baby, your rules - that’s the bottom line.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 24/12/2022 00:38

I used to sleep with my grandmother when I stayed there and when they took me on holiday. Poor granddad used to get chucked out of his bed so Gran and I could sleep together. There’s nothing unnatural or unwholesome about it. I look back fondly to those memories.

TowerStork · 24/12/2022 00:38

I can't believe anyone who think this is a "weird" or "inappropriate" desire on the part of grandparents. Seriously. I bring my child to her grandmother's bed when I can.

Redebs · 24/12/2022 00:40

I understand the special closeness of a breastfeeding dyad. Not everyone is ok with people wanting to take their baby off for cuddles. It doesn't mean they are suspicious if it just doesn't feel ok. It's normal.