Parents want baby in their bed

[JulianCasa]

Argh please help!

Staying at parents for Xmas. Have brought baby DC.

Nice night, said goodnight, they asked what time DC will be up - around 6.30. Then said send him in to us. As in - into their bed!! I found this bizarre so politely said no it’s okay, we like that morning time. Then they pleaded with me to give them a chance!! I just pulled a face as if to say WTF and walked out 🙈

But now I am panicking about how to say no in the morning without causing WW3! My parents can get quite sensitive when it comes to DC.

So as not to drip feed, this has happened before. Last time I stayed here with DC and not DH. My dad came into the room in the morning when he heard us up, I presumed to help. He took my DC and took DC into the bed with my mum. They were also half dressed. Regardless of that, I don’t want DC going into their bed until DC themself can choose to do that.

I just find it all so weird but really need some advice on how to handle this situation delicately!?

I'm sorry you feel people are being horrible. I haven't read all the replies but it can get a bit like a mob mentality on here when people can see a bandwagon to jump on.

I don't think it's intrinsically weird or inappropriate for GC and GPs to cuddle in bed. However it totally depends on the kind of relationship you have with the GPs and whether it feels natural to you or not. I would not allow "half dressed" cuddles with any of my kids and an adult that isn't me or their dad. There are 2 sets of GPs (one on my side, one on DH's) who I feel comfortable with my kids doing this with but I would expect to be comfortable enough to walk into their bedroom with my toddler and hand them over. Which means a close relationship between us and them, and everybody fully covered as appropriate. I wouldn't feel comfortable having the baby in an intimate setting with another adult that was too intimate for me to walk into. I'm not saying I'd sit on the end of the bed supervising but I'd have to be welcome in the room and feel comfortable to be in there even just to handover.

There is a 3rd set of GP who would never be allowed to do this with our DC. We aren't close with them, the relationship is fraught and they frequently express a wish to spend time alone with the kids which we are not welcome to join in with. We don't trust them - not that we think they'll do anything deliberately sinister, but they just aren't interested in spending time with the kids unless we're removed from the picture and so we're in a catch 22 situation where they don't know the kids well enough for these kinds of intimate experiences or even just alone time with the kids to feel comfortable and appropriate (for us or for the children) but they won't bother getting to know them unless they can have them alone.

So I sympathise. It's a good thing to have boundaries with your children and if you feel uncomfortable about something, it's fine to not allow it. You are the parents and it's your job to set appropriate boundaries. Other people don't have to like it. Clearly you don't have the kind of relationship with GPs that makes this feel appropriate. That's absolutely fine and they are in the wrong for pushing it. You don't need to give them reasons. Just repeat "No we don't want to do that but we'll see you at breakfast when we're all up and dressed".

the special closeness of a breastfeeding dyad
I'd say this is what they are trying to disrupt

Yes, it does sound unreasonably intrusive into special time together. And the morning feed isn't one you want to delay!

I told my parents if you tried to take a baby cup off of a lioness she would rip your throat out and if you try to take my baby off me u less I have handed them to you, my reaction will be the same. Idc if they said I was mad, hormonal, unreasonable or whatever. I just agreed "yup, I am." Nothing they could do really was there. They could try to make me feel bad and if they did that they knew I just wouldn't visit again.

With people who will kick off, you need to deal with them by being someone who will kick off even worse even if that isn't your personality. Its the only way.

Jesus Christ are you ok?

Exactly, these days everyone shrink their relationship talking right and wrong. My nephew like me a lot but my sister in law won’t allow it as first child and over protective

@JulianCasa you are completely right in how you feel. Your parents had these special times with you, this is your time with your OH and your own DC. They have over stepped boundaries.

I'm sorry there are so many hateful posters on here taking joy in making you feel worse (can only guess they are also over stepping GPs!)

Have a lovely Christmas x

I agree keep your baby away from their bed, it’s not appropriate and as you say baby not old enough to consent or to tell you about anything. I was inappropriately touched as a child in this scenario and vowed to never put my children in this situation. Ive never told a person about this in real life and sometimes convince myself that it was all in my head or I imagined it, I do recall talking to my sister about it as she was a similar age but again wonder if it’s in my mind. Reading this post has brought it back to me, regardless of my memories or not it’s not something I would allow happen to my children now. You are doing right, do not give in to any pressure despite that it may come from your parents.

Babies tell everyone very Clearly when they are unhappy about anything .
If you want the time just rhe 3 of you then SAY that! All this bollocking about consent etc will be making t hem feel like you think they are pervs

im sharing my bed with my 4 year old granddaughter. She’s not slept over before and there’s no way I was leaving her on her own to sleep on her first night.

I suppose it depends on the relationship you have with your parents. I was close to mine and I’m close with my granddaughter.

I have the perfect MiL. She used to ask if she could get up early when DC woke and take them into lounge and read them stories and get them scrambled eggs for breakfast. She used to tell me to get lie in whilst I had opportunity.

This!

Only on fucking MN 🙄

Yeah, I'm also not seeing what's objectionable here.

This

People seem to be missing that isn't a child running into their grandparents room. It's a man walking into his daughters bedroom to take her baby to cuddle in their bedroom while they're not fully dressed. No I wouldn't be comfortable with that. If other people that's fine. But OP doesn't want her baby in someone else's bed.

One of my only memories of my lovely granda who died when I was 3 was getting into bed with him and my granny when we'd go to stay at their house as they lived in a different country. I was used to being told to go back to bed by my parents when I woke super early but granny and granda would always allow me to come into their bed for a cuddle. It's such a lovely memory and it was so exciting and special for me and the reason I have such an early memory of it. I feel sad for some families that miss out on that kind of thing or don't have that relationship. I'd be happy for DD to have a snuggle in bed with either set of GPs.

Unless there’s some sort of disturbing back story, what seems very weird to me, is to object to this. I’d feed the baby, hand him over for cuddles, and hope for a bit of a lie in.

I'm great thanks. I have a lot of experience dealing with difficult people in my family who try to railroad anyone they see as weak.

Some of my happiest fondest memories were with my grandparents and Sundays waking up to cuddles and chats in their bed. My ds did the same with my mother ( In fact I’d join them)!

nothing weird about it unless there’s a back story, if no backstory and you feel it’s “inappropriate” then it’s an issue that lies with you.

Hmmm you’ve made this something it’s not! It’s her father not some random man! Probably in pjs shorts/bottoms. Nothing sexualised about sharing a bed, but you’ve made it so.

Not weird at all. Have you never had your baby in bed with you in the morning? I thought that was a normal part of parenting and obviously was for your parents.

We once had our grandson in bed with us when our daughter was staying and he woke up early. It gave her a lie in and took us back to very happy times. Our youngest would happily sleep on my husband's chest if she woke up early and it was a lovely bonding time. Not when she was tiny though. All perfectly innocent.

Missed the bit about the morning feed. Obviously we wouldn't have interfered with that or any other care.

This is made me cry a bit because my parents weren't interested like this at all in my children. I'd have loved them wanting to spend time with them. I don't quite get it. Surely you get time together with your baby all the other times you're not spending at your parents' house?

The only issue is if you're parents are generally overbearing and have not given you space growing up and have trampled on your boundaries which might make your reaction a bit more understandable. But if it's just that you think you should have the monopoly of your baby over close family, it's just a bit strange to me. Having said that I wouldn't make a deal of it if you were my child, but I'd be a bit sad.

*your not you're!