To not let daughter join in

[BeepyBoo]

We have some issues with my DD’s behaviour. She is generally a lovely kid - kind, conscientious, does well at school, etc.
However, I am worried that she is becoming quite entitled and spoilt. We do well enough financially to pay for our kids to do lots of extra-curricular clubs, go on nice trips, buy whatever big toys they ask for at Christmas, within reason, etc (this year she’s getting a drum kit and only a few small presents to go with that as it’s so expensive). As a child, my upbringing was different as We didn’t have much money.
I’m worried that this is all being taken for granted and she does not appreciate the value of things and how lucky she is. She’s become very demanding, and doesn’t seem excited about trips and activities we book. Today, we booked a Tag Active session, as it was raining and we wanted to get out of the house. She loves Tag Active. She woke in a foul mood, ordered us around, tried to get us to change the time of the session, tried to engage in long arguments over small issues like the dress code at the venue, refused to get out of bed, or get dressed, refused to put shoes on or get in the car. This happens a lot. If she is in a bad mood, it’s as if she’s on a mission to ruin the moods of everyone else in the house. She often ruins trips out. She can be very argumentative and sulky.
So, she is now going to Tag Active, but as a spectator to watch her brother do it. I feel there needs to be some consequence for the way she speaks to us. She showed no excitement or gratefulness for the fact that we were treating her today. I am sick of having to go through this with her, and feel that she needs to learn that the way she acts and speaks to others has consequences. I don’t want her to grow up to be a spoilt, entitled, little rich kid. Do you think I’m being too harsh? We have lots of lovely times together, but if things don’t go her way, or she feels annoyed about something, it’s a real challenge dealing with her attitude.

What's a tag activity?

How old is she?, if over 11 I would've left her at home rather than take her to watch

Tag active even

@HomeAGnome active gaming experience, like a big play gym, climbing thing

Yanbu she can't purposely try to ruin the outing for everyone and that just gets glossed over. No idea what tag activity is.
One thing are you maybe trying a bit too hard with all the activities etc. Maybe have a few lazy days at home then she might appreciate outings more. I'd get sick of it if it was every day.

How old is she?
I think it is reasonable to make her sit it out and then perhaps have a conversation with her about it when things have calmed down.

For future, when booking things, I would be setting expectations early on and have clear consequences for ungratefulness/disruptive behavior and stick to it.

The problem is, if she isn't old enough to be left home alone, it is still disruptive.

Also bear in mind that this time of year heightens everything - no excuse for poor behaviour but maybe explains why.

I hope you manage to salvage the trip and your DS at least enjoys himself!

She needs to have consequences for her actions. So, for example, if you’d already paid for the tag active session which she didn’t want to attend any more, she’d have to forgo another treat to make up for the money you’d lost for that.

If you hadn’t already paid for the session, I’d just let it go with ‘Oh well, what a shame you won’t be joining your brother, you usually love this activity.’ If she’s still sulking or rude to you, again there need to be consequences for that.

I would like to add, in anticipation of responses here, that this is not an attention-seeking thing as a result of not spending time with us or being shipped around. I was a stay-at-home Mum and I now only work part-time. Dad works from home. The extra-curricular activities she does are ones she’s requested to do - I am up for cutting them back, but she doesn’t want to. She wanted to go to Tag Active today and is now very upset that she’s missing out.
I think this is to do with her getting everything she wants, and not realising lots of children don’t. It’s become her norm, and that worries me.

How old is she?

She showed no excitement or gratefulness for the fact that we were treating her today.

This stands out to me. Does she actually want to do all the activities you book? You seem to expect excitement for them all but if the kid isn’t excited then they aren’t going to act like it. It isn’t on for her to act like a brat in general but I think that’s separate from expecting her to be bursting at excitement for something. It seems like you expect them to be really happy about the activities because you didn’t do them when you were young, but if they do these things regularly then it isn’t a really rare treat and is a bit more run of the mill for them.

She is aged 10.

Yes, she wanted to do Tag Active. She’s now upset that she’s sitting out. She has tantrumed over that.

Yes, she wanted to do Tag Active. She’s now upset that she’s sitting out. She has tantrumed over that.

Natural consequences and all that.

But it sounds like you have got a spoilt daughter, OP, as she gets everything she wants. She doesn't sound like she ever has to miss out on anything, so of course she won't appreciate it. Of course she will believe she is simply entitled to this or that, x or y. Because she's never not had the thing or done the activity.
I'd scale back a bit, and do less with her. Free unstructured/imaginative play is just as valuable.
I wonder if you are trying to compensate for your own childhood experiences, but have gone to the other end of the scale.

We have lazed at home all week. We really needed to get out of the house today and do something.

I was going to say, 10 or over, fair enough, you’re doing the right thing
I have a sometimes lovely 11yo who can sulk and act entitled like the best
When she’s lovely she’s amazing, the best kid you have met, but she has her “teen” moments - and I do remind her, is ok to not be all smiles and happiness all the time
but she’s part of a family and if she wants us to keep spending time and doing things she enjoys I expect a bit of co-operation

Hmm early hormones perhaps, combined with end of term overtiredness.

I don't think it's bad that you went, "you were rude, no playing for you!". Not unreasonable.

I don't think casting it in terms of gratitude / ingratitude is going to get you far though (how many of us feel huge gratitude on a regular basis, REALLY?) ... perhaps considering what influences her mood and bearing that in mind (late nights, being tired, routine changes, too much or too little sugar, we're all mammals at bottom) .. even ask her maybe ("you're not normally rude and grumpy sweetie, why don't you take a minute, have a snack, and then come and tell me what's up?"). I don't think she consciously set out to be a little horror. Who does?

IME this approach can be used successfully on all ages - I remember trying not to laugh when my Dad was playing up on Xmas Day and my sister brightly (AND EFFECTIVELY!!) interrupted to offer him a snack... he was 80.

Is she showing physical signs of hitting puberty? When did this start?

This is my concern. I agree. We don’t do loads, but I am worried the kids have no awareness of the monetary value of anything. I was definitely aware when we were young. That’s part of the reason why I said she must sit out today.

My husband had a wealthy childhood, and I’m trying to get him to realise that we need to make sure we are not ‘rewarding’ bad behaviour by going ahead with treats, when we are receiving rude, demanding behaviours.

Yes she sounds a bit spoilt. You are going to have to do some tough love. No giving in to tantrums, ignore her, and consequences. Take away privileges- whatever really gets to her. Computer, phone, tv.

She can’t ruin stuff for everyone

At 10 she’s a big girl.
To me it sounds like you are correct in identifying that she has become entitled and spoilt and you are right to address it.

The natural consequence she’s experiencing today should be something she experiences regularly if she kicks off and is unreasonable.

Do both children do a few chores around the house? It’s important they have some awareness of the effort that goes into maintaining a nice life and home and that there is an element of team effort in sustaining it. Otherwise they may just see you as the woman whose job it is to make them happy, of little consequence in your own right.

You need to establish good habits and patterns before the teenage years really come into play.

YANBU. Well done with giving her consequences. She sounds very spoilt.

I'm going against the grain here. But OP it seems to me you are projecting a lot on to your ten-year old. All kids have bad days, are sulky at times etc. If you want to punish that, then fair enough. But be wary of seeing everything she does through your own lens about privilege and wealth. She's just a kid having a bad day.

Best of luck to you.

I am worried the kids have no awareness of the monetary value of anything. I was definitely aware when we were young.

I grew up in a financially “comfortable” family and had no concept of what things cost. Obviously as an adult I now understand, and it hasn’t made me spoilt or entitled.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have a childhood without worrying/ being constantly aware of what can be afforded.

It almost seems like you want your DCs to be hugely grateful to your for providing them with a more wealthy upbringing than you had. I’m sure they’ll be grateful when they look back as adults, but I just don’t think it should be on their radar as children.

Obviously address bad behaviour as you see fit, but I think you’re conflating two issues.

I think a good rule of thumb is ‘will this change my child’s behaviour, and if so, how?’

I was at soft play this morning and there were a lot of over excited kids. only you know if this is a general problem or not. I mean, kids don’t understand value of money or things like that … they just don’t. My parents were mostly lovely but they grew up poor and were incredibly generous with us but then would sometimes get annoyed if we weren’t showing the requisite gratitude but sometimes we were tired, off colour or just over excited and daft.

I think if this morning is likely to show her the error of her ways fair enough. Sometimes if I am honest though I find MN a bit uncomfortably close to getting ‘revenge’ on a misbehaving child than actually helping shape and form their will and spirit.

I think you have done the right thing. Maybe she needs to learn more about the world and how others have much less. Is there any focus on this? As a teacher I find that kids who are aware of how people struggle are more empathetic. There are some good things often on newsround. Maybe make listening to this or sponsoring a child part of something that you do so she grows up knowing how lucky she is. I would also be imposing natural consequences. E.g. refuse to get up in time soone warning then we leave without you.