To not let daughter join in

[BeepyBoo]

We have some issues with my DD’s behaviour. She is generally a lovely kid - kind, conscientious, does well at school, etc.
However, I am worried that she is becoming quite entitled and spoilt. We do well enough financially to pay for our kids to do lots of extra-curricular clubs, go on nice trips, buy whatever big toys they ask for at Christmas, within reason, etc (this year she’s getting a drum kit and only a few small presents to go with that as it’s so expensive). As a child, my upbringing was different as We didn’t have much money.
I’m worried that this is all being taken for granted and she does not appreciate the value of things and how lucky she is. She’s become very demanding, and doesn’t seem excited about trips and activities we book. Today, we booked a Tag Active session, as it was raining and we wanted to get out of the house. She loves Tag Active. She woke in a foul mood, ordered us around, tried to get us to change the time of the session, tried to engage in long arguments over small issues like the dress code at the venue, refused to get out of bed, or get dressed, refused to put shoes on or get in the car. This happens a lot. If she is in a bad mood, it’s as if she’s on a mission to ruin the moods of everyone else in the house. She often ruins trips out. She can be very argumentative and sulky.
So, she is now going to Tag Active, but as a spectator to watch her brother do it. I feel there needs to be some consequence for the way she speaks to us. She showed no excitement or gratefulness for the fact that we were treating her today. I am sick of having to go through this with her, and feel that she needs to learn that the way she acts and speaks to others has consequences. I don’t want her to grow up to be a spoilt, entitled, little rich kid. Do you think I’m being too harsh? We have lots of lovely times together, but if things don’t go her way, or she feels annoyed about something, it’s a real challenge dealing with her attitude.

Although it's lovely to be able to give your children the things you didn't have growing up, the parental role is also about teaching the child self sufficiency, life skills, money management etc. There's no guarantee in life that your children will maintain the wealth that you and your husband enjoy - and where will she be if suddenly she's faced with the harsh realities of life and has no skills to deal with them.

I think you’ve dealt with this well. I would have done the same - she sits it out today and hopefully learns.
Mine both think I labour the point about how lucky we are but I’m unrepentant. I especially remind them how lucky we are to have a holiday as I think it’s easy for them to come to expect that.
Going forward, I’d sit her down and set the expectations down clearly. Any sulking or kicking off and the treat is cancelled.

I think it is cruel. And you picked wrong time for your 'lesson'. Financial education should be a part of daily life. I also think you are projecting your childhood issues with your gratitude expectations. By all means work on improving her understanding of money/value of things, but it needs to be in the form of proactive education rather than punishment

I don’t want to be rude, but it’s not the materialistic things that are the issue. It’s poor parenting and a failure to teach good behaviour and correct appropriately. She’s doing this because she can. If kids do not get firm boundaries and model of good behaviour this is what happens.

it isn’t about the stuff or tnr activities. Withdrawing or giving. It’s about good old fashioned parenting.

I understand that she’s not going to necessarily appreciate monetary value, and that it’s difficult for kids to appreciate that, because they only ‘know what they know’ - they only have their own quality of life as reference. I agree with cansu that there’s more we could do to widen her experience.
salvia I don’t think that being wealthy automatically turns you into an entitled person. You were obviously well-behaved. My son doesn’t behave like this either.
What I’m more concerned about, is the frequency of this behaviour. Also, that she is rude, demanding and tries to control situations. That she is used to getting what she wants, even when she has behaved in an unreasonable way, and when we are trying to go out and have fun. So it comes across as not appreciating treats.

Sounds like she is overwhelmed and overstimulated. Also her behaviour didn't start this morning. Needed to be corrected earlier.

We do model good behaviour. And today, I am setting a firm boundary. Remember that good, old fashioned parenting included hitting, and a clip round the ear. These days, our options are very limited! I would like to hear your suggestions, because I am probably already doing them. I make it clear that we don’t tolerate rudeness or back-chat, and I treat my children with respect.

@BeepyBoo Also, that she is rude, demanding and tries to control situations. That she is used to getting what she wants, even when she has behaved in an unreasonable way, and when we are trying to go out and have fun. So it comes across as not appreciating treats.

This behaviour doesn’t come on it’s own, you seem to be blaming your 10 year old but it is your actions that have encouraged this behaviour.
If she’s used to getting what she wants regardless of how she acts it’s because you have constantly still given her exactly what she wants regardless of how she acts.
You really need to be considering a longer term strategy and how you deal with bratty behaviour beyond this one activity.

Growing up with more things or more money doesn’t actually make you any more likely to be spoilt imo.

Remember that good, old fashioned parenting included hitting, and a clip round the ear. These days, our options are very limited!

No it doesn’t, and what a truly strange thing to jump to - including the follow up comment that seems to imply you are annoyed you are limited by not being able to hit your child.

I’m hoping this is the case. Thank you

Sounds like he's exhausted. Does she get much down time? Sometimes just wanting to switch off can look like bad behaviour. Read between the lines and ask her if she needs some quality time just doing calm things about the the house with just you etc.

That she is used to getting what she wants, even when she has behaved in an unreasonable way, and when we are trying to go out and have fun. So it comes across as not appreciating treats.

But that's not her fault.

If you've always given her whatever she wants, regardless of her behaviour, why would she suddenly change her ways now?

OP, she sounds really bratty.

She needs to learn consequences or you are going to have a nightmare teen on your hands.

The behaviour you describe is dreadful and I wouldn't have tolerated it for a minute with my children.

You need to firm up your parenting boundaries before you have a real problem.

I have reared 4 children without ever having to deal with tantrums.

Not because I am a great parent, but because I wouldn't have ever tolerated tantruming behaviour.

I know teens have hormones and can be moody but if it strayed into rudeness to me they would have been pulled up not to speak to me like that.

It is possible to rear privileged children without them being spoiled brats, but it is absolutely dependent on parents establishing what behaviour is expected of them.

Not at all. I absolutely disagree with physical punishment. I think it’s disgusting. But actually, it was the norm in previous generations. Give other examples of good, old fashioned parenting then please.

What an odd thing to say.

I don't know anyone who was raised being hit or clipped around the year, and yet we all seemed to have turned out fine with no major sense of entitlement.

I’m not sure good and old fashioned necessarily go together to be honest.

Old fashioned parenting did focus around physical chastisement, real or threatened.

I don't think PP meant old-fashioned parenting in that sense.

They meant just basic parenting - consequences for your behaviour and not being rewarded with treats and days out when you've had a tantrum and mucked around.

I agree with everything you are saying. I do think my husband is a bit too soft. I had to persuade him this morning that this is the right course of action. I don’t tolerate this tantruming, but she keeps doing it. She gets time out in her room. There was one occasion when I didn’t take her to a play date due to her behaviour beforehand, and then today she missed out on this.

I have a son, who does not behave like this, and I do think there is some personality trait here - she has always been very headstrong.

Ignore the challenging behaviour (unless it's dangerous in some way). But praise all the good (and neutral) behaviour. She'll soon learn what gets attention and you'll see more of that pretty quickly.

Ah thank you @Monkeytapper

Also try to remember that when she is "tantrumming" that she is trying to communicate something. Getting upset about timings and clothes etc sounds like some anxiety to me.

Is this a waking up issue?

Agree with this too. Extra curricular clubs and family trips out are all very well, but I bet if she could just sit with her mum and do some colouring/lego/baking/whatever she enjoys her behaviour would improve.

OP, blame yourself.
We've never done that and our daughter has a nasty mouth on her for her dad usally and now me as he stays quiet and we don't do handouts. Just imagine if we did.

Giving money like that to your children is a recipe for disaster. in my culture, the sensible avoid that and tell them to p off and work, does them good and we slag off the workshy for the benefit of our children and grandchildren so they understand work ethics.

Xmas is a funny time of year -bad weather so you don’t get out enough - all the work and excitement about present giving. I would let it go.
she leant her lesson by not being allowed to do tag. But keep a watch out for the future.