To not let daughter join in

[BeepyBoo]

We have some issues with my DD’s behaviour. She is generally a lovely kid - kind, conscientious, does well at school, etc.
However, I am worried that she is becoming quite entitled and spoilt. We do well enough financially to pay for our kids to do lots of extra-curricular clubs, go on nice trips, buy whatever big toys they ask for at Christmas, within reason, etc (this year she’s getting a drum kit and only a few small presents to go with that as it’s so expensive). As a child, my upbringing was different as We didn’t have much money.
I’m worried that this is all being taken for granted and she does not appreciate the value of things and how lucky she is. She’s become very demanding, and doesn’t seem excited about trips and activities we book. Today, we booked a Tag Active session, as it was raining and we wanted to get out of the house. She loves Tag Active. She woke in a foul mood, ordered us around, tried to get us to change the time of the session, tried to engage in long arguments over small issues like the dress code at the venue, refused to get out of bed, or get dressed, refused to put shoes on or get in the car. This happens a lot. If she is in a bad mood, it’s as if she’s on a mission to ruin the moods of everyone else in the house. She often ruins trips out. She can be very argumentative and sulky.
So, she is now going to Tag Active, but as a spectator to watch her brother do it. I feel there needs to be some consequence for the way she speaks to us. She showed no excitement or gratefulness for the fact that we were treating her today. I am sick of having to go through this with her, and feel that she needs to learn that the way she acts and speaks to others has consequences. I don’t want her to grow up to be a spoilt, entitled, little rich kid. Do you think I’m being too harsh? We have lots of lovely times together, but if things don’t go her way, or she feels annoyed about something, it’s a real challenge dealing with her attitude.

I also found rewards worked really well.

Meltdkwns, or seemingly awkward behaviour, I just ignored rather than escalating into more stress and frustration.

I’m autistic and I’m glad others have raised this because everything about your posts was screaming autism to me. It’s really disheartening to see how many people on this thread are writing her off as spoiled, bratty and rude - things my own mother called me repeatedly when I reacted like your daughter does.

The list you’ve pasted in your post mentions ‘high functioning’ people but functioning labels are (thankfully) falling out of favour, which makes me think that resource is quite dated/was written by someone not quite in the loop. Keep researching and look for current resources, ideally written by ND people whose lived experience you might recognise in your daughter.

Yeah I agree with this.

I was just thinking today how different my childhood was. One of my first memories was that my mum was stressing over the cost of toilet paper. Worrying as a toddler about the cost of wiping my arse.

I would never wish that for my child, I agree that you're expecting a lot of gratitude from your children for their standard of living but that's not fair on them. It's wonderful that your children have a better life than you did, but it's not their fault you couldn't do those things and they didn't make you conceive them.

She's kicked off so she doesnt get the fun activity, absolutely. But you expecting excitement at something that is pretty run of the mill for them because it would have been a rare treat for you is unfair

You've done the right thing but I'd also try talking to her. My 12yr has been doing this for a couple of years. When she starts to talk it usually boils down to tiredness, feeling emotional and not understanding why. We let her be alone for a while, she calms down, apologies and talks it through. There's usually a few tears. She's trying to come to us when this is kicking in. Kids have bad days and for the next few years there will be a LOT of them.

Rather than think 'What's she angry about? What's she trying to control?' try to reframe it in your head as 'What is she anxious about? What is she afraid might happen?'

My 4yo is already a bit demand avoidant, and my go-to question for her in those situations is always 'How can we make this a bit easier for you?' She was adamant the school play wasn't happening, but when we had a chat about her feelings and she admitted she was scared we were able to make a plan together to help her cope, I would take her favourite toy and we also had a little secret signal we could give to each other across the hall that meant 'I love you, you're safe' Bit harder with a 4yo than a child your daughter's age, you can usually drill down to find out the root of the anxiety. And that's what it is: anxiety. Not being spoilt. Not being uncaring. Not lack of empathy. If anything possibly a bit too much feeling.

I really like this approach. To me OP you sound as though you are making two mistakes, you are assuming and you are taking this personally. You are assuming she is acting the way she is because she is “spoilt” from all the good things she has, and you are taking her lack of enthusiasm personally, seeing it as a lack of gratitude for a gift you have given. I don’t think trying to manage the “spoiltness” out of her is going to get you very far, as it’s coming from a hugely negative place, it’s a horrible label, it will cloud everything you think about your daughter. This poster has the right idea, don’t assume and if you must assume the best, stay curious, help her manage her emotions and keep grumpiness in check, understand how her moods effect others and give her some coping skills, eg if she is in a foul mood it’s OK for her to say “I’m feeling really grumpy and I’d like a bit of a alone time”.

Honestly? Don't give her everything she wants!

We have a lot of money. However, i don't just give in to DC wants simply because we are able to afford it. So no, they can't go on every fun fair ride at the fireworks display, no I'm not paying for the bouncy castle thats often in the local park, no the eldest cannot have an apple ipad for christmas.

I have OCD and she sounds a lot like me as a child. Sometimes I would get really stressed even with things I WANTED to do, and almost see myself ruining it and then get myself even more worked up that it wasn’t perfect, get in a sulk that I really couldn’t get out of, hating myself. I was just very overwhelmed and was never taught to self regulate.

I was probably very demanding and bossy and outspoken about exactly how I wanted things because I had no filter. As an adult I am able to resist the urge to try to force people to comply with how I want things, but do still sometimes fail (eg will make my long suffering DP change tables to one that feels more “right” or get up while I straighten everything on the sofa before I can relax).

I don't think doing a lot of activities and spending on them in accordance with your more generous budget spoils children. Its the toleration of unacceptable behaviour, the constant desperate 'trying to see it from their perspective', seeking out their 'unmet needs' (making excuses and self blame) viewing yourself as a combination of servant and emotional punchbag (because..hormones/excuse of choice) and refusing to accept that children are human beings with flaws in their characters, just like adults, and are at times just simply not being very nice. A parent's job is to teach them to rein in their less desirable behaviour. I think you're doing the right thing, and it's actually quite refreshing to see.

It might well be puberty. My DD2 is the same age as yours and her behaviour is very similar. Although she’s well into puberty, her periods started just after her ninth birthday, when she was in year 4.

And yes, she’s very anxious about a lot of things, as well as phobic, particularly of ‘bugs’ and dirt. I suspect that’s behind her need to be in control.

She’s also possibly missed out on some of our attention because DD1 (13) has far more obvious SN.

(Although they’re also both adopted, so her need for control is very understandable.)